Act I: A shitty attic in the shittiest part of Paris. Christmas Eve.
Marcello: I'M A FUCKING TERRIBLE PAINTER
Rodolfo: I'M A FUCKING TERRIBLE WRITER
Both: Boy, it sure sucks to be poor, freezing, and starving.
The Audience: THEN GET A GODDAMN JOB
Marcello: Whatever. We're not that desperate.
Rodolfo: Hey, soooo it's the middle of winter and we have no more fuel for our stove. Do you think this might be a problem?
Marcello: Definitely. It's colder in here than in that bitch Musetta's heart.
Rodolfo: Solid exposition, bro.
Marcello: Totes. Bros before hoes?
Rodolfo: You know it. But seriously, though, we might freeze to death.
Marcello: LET'S SET THE CHAIR ON FIRE
Rodolfo: You're a moron. Our art will keep us warm!
The Audience: grumble grumble hipsters grumble grumble
Marcello: LET'S SET MY PAINTING ON FIRE
Rodolfo: No, that would make too much smoke. After all, few things are more important than a healthy respiratory system. Let's burn my play instead!
Marcello: You mean the play you've been working on non-stop for the past six months?
Rodolfo: Yuuuuup.
Marcello: And you want to throw all of that away for a few minutes of warmth?
Rodolfo: I fail to see the problem.
The Audience: Aaaaaand this is why you're broke, jackasses.
[Marcello and Rodolfo feed the play into the stove. Enter Colline, a pretentious philosopher with an admittedly kickass coat.]
Colline: Verily, it's cold as balls in here.
Rodolfo: Fuck yourself.
[Colline joins the others at the fire, which quickly burns out. Marcello and Rodolfo consider slitting Colline open like a tauntaun and huddling inside his carcass for warmth. Enter Schaunard with food, booze, firewood, and money; he's the musician of the group, so of course he's the most successful.]
The Musicians in the Audience: HA HA OH YEAH THAT'S DEFINITELY HOW THE WORLD WORKS
Everyone Else: Isn't he the drag queen in Rent?
Schaunard: Oh man you guys so this old British asshole hired me to play for him until this other guy's parrot died so then I played for a while and then I was all like "fuck this" and I broke into the parrot guy's apartment and banged the chambermaid because I'm TOTALLY NOT GAY and then I murdered the parrot and the British guy paid me and it was LEGEN -- wait for it --
Marcello: Cool story, bro.
Rodolfo: Yeah, it's riveting. Pass the turkey?
Colline: om nom nom nom nom
Schaunard: -- DARY. LEGENDARY.
Crickets: chirp chirp
Schaunard: Oh, you can all go to hell. And stop eating all my food!
No One: [pays any attention to Schaunard]
Schaunard: But guuuuuuuys, it's Christmas Eeeeeeeve and I wanna go oooouuut
Marcello: Fine, we'll go out, but only if you SHUT UP.
Schaunard: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
[There's a knock on the door.]
Benoit: Sooooo hey, you guys, you haven't paid any rent in several months and it's beginning to piss me off.
Colline: NO ONE'S HOME
Benoit: Yeah that's not actually gonna work.
Marcello: ALSO WE HAVE LOCKED THE DOOR
Benoit: I have a spare key and can let myself into your apartment literally any time I want. You guys really haven't thought this through, have you.
Marcello: ...fuck.
[They let him in.]
Benoit: But seriously, give me my fucking money before I'm forced to cut you in the face like a Cockney whore.
Marcello: Hey, man, be cool. Captain ADHD over there just got paid --
Schaunard: Rude.
Marcello: -- so we've got all the money we owe you right here. Care for a drink?
Benoit: Don't mind if I do!
[Sixteen measures later:]
Benoit: HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I'M SO DRUNK
Marcello: Sooooooo is there any incriminating personal information you'd like to share with us?
Benoit: Well, now that you mention it, I love me some fat chicks.
Rodolfo: Go on...
Benoit: Yeah, they're dynamite in the sack because they have no self-respect. Skinny bitches be trippin' balls, though. Like my wife!
Everyone: SOMETHING SOMETHING MORAL OUTRAGE
Benoit: Wait, what?
Everyone: GTFO
Benoit: But I thought we were broooooooooos
[They throw him the hell out.]
Marcello: So now that we've blackmailed our landlord, we never have to pay rent again!
Everyone: WOOOOOO
The Audience: [starts considering blackmail as as a viable solution to financial problems]
Schaunard: Now let's go get hammered!
Rodolfo: You guys go ahead; I have to finish an article for some newsletter you've never heard of.
Marcello: Sure you do. There's lotion and Kleenex in the cabinet; don't take too long.
Rodolfo: I hate you so much.
[Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline leave the apartment and promptly fall down the stairs.]
Rodolfo: KARMA, BITCHES
Colline: ...my spleen...
[There's yet another knock at the door.]
Rodolfo: Oh, for fuck's sake. Who is it now?
Mimi: Hey, it's your hot and totally single downstairs neighbor. My candle just went out -- got a light?
Rodolfo: You only have one candle? And no matches?
Mimi: You don't understand how this whole "flirting" thing works, do you.
Rodolfo: Nnnnnnnope.
The Audience: [facepalm]
Mimi: [falls over]
Rodolfo: OH NO ARE YOU OKAY
Mimi: Yeah, I'm just tired out from the stairs. There's nothing wrong with my health, though. Nothing at all.
Puccini: DID YOU GUYS GET MY FORESHADOWING
99% of the Audience: YES WE GET IT SHUT UP
The Other 1%: I think those two crazy kids are gonna be alllll right!
Rodolfo: So I lit your candle and stuff. Why are you still here?
Mimi: Jesus Christ, I have to do everything myself. OH NO I DROPPED MY KEY AND IT WAS TOTALLY AN ACCIDENT
Rodolfo: Oh no!
Mimi: AND MY CANDLE HAS GONE OUT AGAIN
Rodolfo: [finally realizes what's going on] Ohhhhhhhhh.
The Audience: Christ, you're a moron.
Rodolfo: AND NOW MY CANDLE HAS ALSO GONE OUT
Mimi: WE'RE ALONE IN THE DARK TOGETHER
Rodolfo: WHATEVER SHALL WE DO
The Audience: OH JUST BONE ALREADY
Rodolfo: Oh hey, your hand is super cold. I know just how to warm you up: an aria!
Mimi: Oh joy.
Rodolfo: I'm a poet and I'm broke as fuck
But if I had a million dollars
I'd buy your loooove
'Cause hey baby you so fine
You so fine you blow my mind
And when I get that feelin'
I want sexual healin'
Oh and by the way, what's your name?
Mimi: Wellllll my name's Lucia but everyone calls me Mimi because why the fuck not. Mostly I just sit alone in my apartment and wish I had a studly poet to have sex with. And also I embroider flowers sometimes and CAN WE MAKE OUT YET
Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline: [outside in the street] NNNNOPE
Mimi: ...goddammit.
Marcello: COME ON RODOLFO AREN'T YOU DONE JERKING IT YET
Rodolfo: SHUT UP GUYS I HAVE A LADY OVER
Schaunard: BLOW-UP DOLLS DON'T COUNT
Rodolfo: WILL YOU ASSHOLES GO AWAY AND STOP COCKBLOCKING ME
Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline: Fiiiiiiine.
[They leave.]
Rodolfo: So, where were we?
Mimi: Wellllll I've been throwing myself at you for the past ten minutes, but now I think I'm just gonna be super coy.
Rodolfo: But I wanna get laaaaaaaid
Mimi: Nope. We're gonna go out with your friends instead.
Rodolfo: And then we can make the sex when we get back?
Mimi: Yeah sure whatever.
Rodolfo: Say you love me!
The Audience: Whoa there, crazy. Slow your roll.
Mimi: I love you SO MUCH
The Audience: Wait, what? Did he just hypnotize her or something?
Rodolfo and Mimi: WE WILL LOVE EACH OTHER FOREVER
The Audience: YOU'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE
[End of Act I.]
Next installment: Act II
