Operagasm: Oklahoma, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: Ike Skidmore's ranch. We finally get to see the box social that no one was able to shut the fuck up about through all of Act I.

Chorus: WOOO LOOK AT OUR PURTY DANCING

[Carnes enters and starts singing.]

Carnes: IT WOULD BE AWESOME IF FARMERS AND COWBOYS COULD ALL GET ALONG

Chorus: YEAH YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT

The Audience: This is great and all, but the show has yet to demonstrate in any way that there's ever been any sort of tension between farmers and cowboys.

Carnes: JUST TAKE MY FUCKING WORD FOR IT

The Audience: Whatever. It'll be okay, as long as that's the only time a plot point is introduced with absolutely no warning.

Hammerstein: HAHAHA OF COURSE NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE BAD STORYTELLING

Rodgers: AND WE'RE TOO AWESOME TO DO THAT

The Audience: We'll believe it when we see it.

Carnes: SO EVEN THOUGH I WAS JUST SAYING THAT EVERYONE SHOULD GET ALONG I AM NOW GOING TO TALK SHIT ABOUT COWBOYS

Cowboys: FUCK YOU

Aunt Eller: COWBOYS ARE AWESOME AND FARMERS CAN EAT A BAG OF DICKS EVEN THOUGH I TOTALLY OWN A FARM TOO

Farmers: FUCK YOU

[And then everyone starts punching each other because that's how everyone solved their problems in the WILD WEST. Aunt Eller breaks up the fight by shooting a gun in the air.]

Aunt Eller: EVERYONE CALM THE FUCK DOWN

A Random Farmer: You know, you can't really pretend to be a peacemaker when you helped start the whole argument.

[Aunt Eller shoots him in the face.]

Aunt Eller: Anyone else feel like sassing me?

Everyone: nnnnnnope

Aunt Eller: That's right, motherfuckers. Respect.

Everyone: ohhhhh the farmer and the cowman should probably not be dicks to each other and please don't shoot us

Curly: AND WE SHOULD ESPECIALLY BE FRIENDS BECAUSE OKLAHOMA IS ABOUT TO BECOME A STATE

The Audience: WHAT DID WE TELL YOU ABOUT PULLING PLOT POINTS OUT OF YOUR ASS

Hammerstein: Sorry. It's the last time, I swear.

[Actually, it's not. And then everyone dances some more!]

Ike: NOW LET'S START THE AUCTION

Cord Elam: "I'm so hungry, I could eat a gatepost!"

Everyone: That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard.

Aunt Eller: Yeah, let's all pretend that never happened. NOW LET'S GO SELL SOME FUCKING LUNCHES

Everyone: WOOOOOOOO

[Everyone exits except for Will, who's carrying his presents for Ado Annie. Ali enters.]

Will: YOU

Ali: Uh-oh.

Will: I KILL YOU

Ali: Hey, man -- I'm reeeeally sorry about accidentally getting engaged to your girlfriend. I wish there was something I could do... you know, without getting my large intestine perforated by buckshot.

Will: Man, if only I had fifty dollars...

Ali: ... then you'd be the one stuck with Ado Annie instead of me!

Will: More or less.

Ali: HEY LET ME BUY SOME OF YOUR PRESENTS

Will: Why would you want to do that?

The Audience: Wow, you're even dumber than you look.

Ali: HERE TAKE THIS WAD OF CASH

Will: [counting the money] Hey, this is almost...

Will's Inner Monologue: Silence, you fool! You've got him right where you want him!

Will: Ahem. Want to buy anything else?

Ali: You bet your tight little ass I do. Hey, what's this?

Will: It's a porn kaleidoscope!

Ali: Ohhhh. The kind with the hidden knife?

Will: Hidden who on the whatnow?

Ali: Never mind.

[Laurey rushes in.]

Laurey: OH GOD JUD'S TRYING TO TALK TO ME

[She hides as Jud enters.]

Jud: But Laaaaureeeeeyyyy, I just want to talk about my feeeeeliiiiings

Ali: Hey, Jud -- you still in the market for murderin' implements?

Jud: ... maaaaaybe.

[Jud buys the porn kaleidoscope and Will starts counting his money.]

Will: WOOO I GOT FIFTY DOLLARS NOW

Ali: You fail math forever. That's forty-nine.

Will: Fuck. Want to buy the rest of my stuff?

Ali: Absolutely. Have a dollar!

Will: WOOO I GOT FIFTY DOLLARS NOW

Ali: oh noooo I guess this means you'll be marrying Annie now instead of meeeee

Will: THAT'S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER YOUR DUMB ASS JUST GOT OUTSMARTED

Ali: Yeah, you're a genius.

[Aunt Eller enters with the chorus.]

Aunt Eller: Only two baskets left to auction!

Ado Annie: THEY'RE MINE AND LAUREY'S

Aunt Eller: BITCH IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ANONYMOUS

Ado Annie: I DO WHAT I WANT

Aunt Eller: Whatever. Who wants to bid?

Slim: TWO BITS

Cord Elam: FOUR BITS

Slim: You know what, Cord? Fuck you.

The Audience: What the hell is a bit, anyway?

[It's twelve and a half cents. Carnes puts a gun against Ali's back.]

Carnes: BUY MY DAUGHTER'S LUNCH

Ali: SIX BITS

Aunt Eller: Anyone else? How about you, Mike?

Mike: Hell no. Last time I had her cooking, I shat blood for a fucking week.

Carnes: [to Ali] BID MORE

Ali: Fiiiiiine. But I'm not going higher than ninety cents.

Will: I BID FIFTY DOLLARS

Everyone: HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT

Will: [to Carnes] AND NOW THAT I HAVE THESE FIFTY DOLLARS YOU HAVE TO LET ADO ANNIE MARRY ME LIKE YOU PROMISED

Carnes: You just bid your fifty dollars, you moron. So unless some idiot bids even more, you're shit outta luck.

Ali: FIFTY-ONE DOLLARS

Carnes: GODDAMMIT YOU FOREIGN ASSHOLE

Aunt Eller: GOING GOING GONE

[Will and Annie run offstage to have lots of sex. Ali contemplates the fact that he's just lost over a hundred dollars, and all he has to show for it is a lunch that will probably make him shit blood.]

Aunt Eller: Soooo yeah. Who wants to bid on Laurey's hamper?

Slim: TWO BITS

Fred: FOUR BITS

Slim: GODDAMMIT WHY DIDN'T I BRING MORE THAN TWO BITS

Carnes: ONE DOLLAR

[Jud enters.]

Jud: A DOLLAR AND A QUARTER

[The following dialogue formula repeats like twenty times and it gets really fucking obnoxious:]

Random Person: X DOLLARS

Jud: X DOLLARS AND TWO BITS

The Audience: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

[Finally, everyone else drops out. Even though Jud has clearly won the bidding, Aunt Eller is doing everything in her power to keep him from actually getting the lunch basket because FUCK that guy.]

Aunt Eller: Going......... to Jud Fry............ for six dollars............. and two bits...........

Jud: BITCH JUST TAKE MY FUCKING MONEY

[And then Curly enters. Remember how he turns everything into a dick-measuring contest? Yeah, nothing's changed.]

Curly: WHO WANTS TO BUY MY SADDLE SO I CAN OUTBID JUD

Some Guy: Me!

Curly: TEN DOLLARS

Jud: AND TWO BITS

Curly: WHO WANTS TO BUY MY HORSE

Some Other Guy: Me!

Curly: THIRTY-FIVE DOLLARS

Jud: FUCK YOU CURLY I'M GOING TO BID MY LIFE SAVINGS OF FORTY-TWO DOLLARS AND THIRTY-ONE CENTS

Curly: WHO WANTS TO BUY MY GUN

Some Other Other Guy: Me!

Curly: FIFTY-THREE DOLLARS

Aunt Eller: GOING GOING GONE

Curly: WOOOO I'M AWESOME AND JUD CAN SUCK IT

Everyone Else: Yeah, you gave up everything you own so you could buy a lunch. Congratulations, you fucking moron.

The Audience: So, wait. Why the hell does it matter who wins the bidding? It's just food, for Christ's sake; it's not like Curly and Laurey's happy ending is entirely dependent on a fucking lunchbox.

Hammerstein: Um.......

Rodgers: It represents her virginity or something.

Hammerstein: Yeah. What he said.

The Audience: So we just saw a bunch of guys bidding on Laurey's virginity. Doesn't that kinda make her a prostitute? Along with every other girl who sold a basket?

Rodgers: You guys ask too many questions.

[Ike makes Curly and Jud shake hands, because clearly that will fix everything.]

Jud: Hey, Curly -- want to take a look at this porn kaleidoscope that totally doesn't have a hidden knife in it?

Curly: Don't mind if I do!

[Ali runs and tells Aunt Eller about Curly's impending murder.]

Aunt Eller: JESUS FUCK CURLY GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN AND HIS FILTHY PORNOGRAPHY

Curly: Um... okay?

[Jud puts away the porn kaleidoscope. It is never spoken of again.]

Chekhov: Seriously? After all that build-up? I know it's not actually a gun, but COME ON

Hammerstein: Piss off, you Russian douche.

Aunt Eller: COME DANCE WITH ME

Curly: Sure, whatever.

Aunt Eller: "Pick that banjo to pieces, Sam!"

The Audience: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

[Everyone dances offstage. Will and Ado Annie re-enter, still basking in their post-coital glow.]

Will: So now that we're engaged, you're gonna stop fuckin' other dudes, right?

Ado Annie: Maaaaaaybe?

Will: YOUR CHEEEEATIN' HEEEAAAART
WILL MAKE YOU WEEEEEEP

Ado Annie: ALL RIGHT I'LL BE FAITHFUL JUST STOP SINGING THAT GODAWFUL SONG

Will: Done and done.

[They run offstage for more sex. There's a scene change, and then Laurey and Jud dance on.]

Jud: Soooo you don't seem to be enjoying yourself too much tonight. What's wrong?

Laurey: NOTHING AT ALL

Jud: You seem uncomfortable.

Laurey: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT I DEFINITELY DON'T FIND YOU REPUGNANT IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE

Jud: Welllllll that's good, 'cause I'm pretty much in love with you. Mostly because you brought me soup one time when I was sick, which makes you the only person in this musical who's showed me any shred of sympathy or human kindness.

[Since Laurey doesn't know how to deal with someone who openly expresses longing and affection instead of just being a cocky asshole all the time, she reacts with utter revulsion.]

Laurey: EWW GET AWAY FROM ME

Jud: YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME

Laurey: YUUUUUUP

Jud: FUCK YOU WHORE

Laurey: YOU'RE A WORTHLESS HUMAN BEING AND YOU DESERVE TO DIE

Aunt Eller: [from offstage] I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THAT YOU DUMB BITCH

Laurey: ALSO YOU'RE FIRED

Jud: something something growled threat

[Jud leaves. Laurey starts crying. Enter Will.]

Will: Hey, have you seen Ado Annie? We're playing Hide and Go Bone, but I can't find her anywhere.

Laurey: GO FIND CURLY

[Curly enters.]

Curly: I'm right here, jackass.

Will: Okay, wellllll you two have fun. My fiancée is somewhere on this ranch with no clothes on, so I should probably find her before someone else does.

[Exit Will.]

Curly: Soooo what's the problem?

Laurey: JUD SAID NICE THINGS ABOUT ME AND IT WAS HORRIBLE AND THEN I FIRED HIM AND SAID HE DESERVED TO DIE

Curly: Sounds about right. Hey, while you're still in a state of severe emotional distress... wanna get married?

Laurey: What? No!

Curly: Pretty please?

Laurey: Okay fine.

[They make out.]

Curly: HEY EVERYONE LAUREY AND I ARE GONNA MAKE BABIES

Jud: [from offstage] ...motherFUCKER.

[Curly and Laurey exit. Enter Ado Annie and Ali Hakim.]

Ali: Soooo I should probably get the hell out of here before I end up married to someone I can't stand. No offense.

Ado Annie: None taken!

Ali: Goodbye makeouts?

Ado Annie: Oh HELL yes.

[Ali gives Annie a "Persian Goodbye," which basically consists of him motorboating her and then giving her big sloppy kisses.]

Ado Annie: woooooow

Ali: More?

Ado Annie: Yuuuuuuuuuup.

[They do it again, just in time for Will to enter.]

Will: We've been engaged for less than a half hour and you're already macking on someone else? What in the actual fuck, Annie.

Ali: It's okay; I'm just saying goodbye.

[He makes out with Ado Annie again.]

Will: GTFO YOU PERSIAN ASSHOLE

[Exit Ali Hakim.]

Will: STOP MAKING OUT WITH OTHER DUDES

Ado Annie: MAYBE I WOULD IF YOU KISSED ME LIKE THAT

Will: Challenge accepted.

[Will gives Annie an "Oklahoma Hello," in which he basically mounts her and shoves his tongue down her throat. Then they run offstage to have sex. Again.]

The Audience: Jesus, they're like rabbits or something.

[Scene change! There's a time-skip here, but it's not really clear whether it's a couple weeks or a couple months.]

Hammerstein: Because fuck you, that's why.

The Audience: We hate you so much.

[It's Laurey and Curly's wedding day! Everyone's drunk except for Old Man Carnes.]

Ike: The fuck is wrong with you?

Carnes: Blah blah Jud's back in town and looking to start some shit blah blah

[Laurey and Curly enter in their wedding attire.]

Everyone: YAAAAAAY

[And then all the main characters take turns making fun of Curly because he can't be a cowboy anymore because he sold all of his shit because he's a fucking moron.]

Curly: OKLAHOMA IS A PRETTY COOL PLACE TO LIVE

Everyone: IT SURE IS

[And then comes the big climactic chorus number which is also the title of the show.]

Most of the Audience: Soooo that's the end, right?

Rodgers: Actually, that was just a cock-tease. There's another fifteen minutes before the show is actually over.

The Audience: WHAT THE FUCK

[Laurey and Curly go inside and all of the men-folk huddle up in a circle and start whispering.]

Ado Annie: Daaaaaaad are you guys gonna embarrass Laurey and Curly with your stupid redneck bullshit?

Carnes: Pretty much.

[The men exit, leaving the women to gossip. Enter Gertie.]

Gertie: HEY GIRLS I GOT MYSELF MARRIED

The Women: OHMIGAAAAWWWWD WHO'D YOU MARRY

[Enter Ali Hakim, looking haggard and on the verge of suicide.]

Ado Annie: HOLY CRAP ALI DID YOU MARRY GERTIE

Ali: It was that or getting shot in the face by her father when he walked in on us.

The Audience: Aaaand that's what you get for not learning from your mistakes.

[Gertie laughs.]

Ali: I WANT TO DIE

[Enter Will.]

Ado Annie: HEY WILL GERTIE AND ALI HAKIM JUST GOT MARRIED

Will: Awesome! I think I'm gonna cuckold him the way he cuckolded me. C'mere, Gertie!

[Will gives her an Oklahoma Hello. Ado Annie gets pissed.]

Ado Annie: BITCH GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY MAN

[She chases Gertie offstage with murder in her eyes. All the women follow.]

Will: Should we stop them or something?

Ali: Nah. I'm kinda hoping Annie'll snap Gertie's neck like a brittle twig and save me the trouble of doing it myself.

Will: Cool!

[They exit. The chorus men re-enter, carrying pots and pans and other noisemaking implements, and start making shitfucktons of noise.]

The Men: AAAHHHHHH LOUD NOISES

The Audience: And what exactly is the point of this?

Hammerstein: SHUT UP IT'S A RESPECTED CULTURAL TRADITION

[And then they throw Laurey and Curly out of a second-story window. The rest of the chorus enters.]

The Men: WOOOOOO

[Jud enters, drunk and angry.]

Jud: Wedding party still goin' on? Glad I ain't too late. I got a present for the bride... but first, I'm gonna kiss the groom.

Curly: Wait, what?

Jud: I mean... the bride. I'm gonna kiss the bride.

Curly: Oh. Right.

[Curly and Jud fight. Jud pulls a knife, Curly throws him down, and Jud falls on said knife like a little bitch.]

Everyone: LOOK AT US PRETEND TO CARE

Curly: Serves the bastard right. I mean... OH NO WHAT A TRAGEDY

[Some people go to turn over the body.]

Random Cowboy: "DON'T YOU TETCH IT"

Cord Elam: Yeah, I think he's dead.

Slim: LET'S GET HIM TO THE DOCTOR

Cord Elam: He just took a knife to the chest and he's not breathing anymore. He's already dead, man.

Slim: FUCK OFF, CORD

[A bunch of men carry Jud's body offstage, followed by Curly and Cord Elam.]

Laurey: Soooo even though I just saw a man get killed, I'm only upset because it's affecting my wedding day!

The Audience: Yeah, you and Curly deserve each other. Have an awesome life.

Aunt Eller: Something something folksy wisdom!

Laurey: Thanks, Aunt Eller! You make everything better!

[The men re-enter.]

Curly: Yeah, Jud's totally dead. Also, even though this has never been brought up before now, Cord Elam is a federal marshal and he thinks I should turn myself in for murder or manslaughter or something.

Everyone: OH NO

Laurey: But we're supposed to catch a train to go on our honeymoon!

Everyone: OH NOOOOOOOO

Aunt Eller: Speaking of stuff that's never been brought up before, now seems like a good time to mention that Old Man Carnes is the local judge! Let's just have the trial right now!

The Audience: GODDAMMIT STOP PULLING STUFF OUT OF YOUR ASS

Hammerstein: MAKE ME

Carnes: Okay, Curly, I'm just going to enter your plea for you and tell you everything to say.

Cord Elam: Um... this is a mockery of the American judicial system. Am I the only one who has a problem with the way this trial is going?

Aunt Eller: SHUT YOUR MOUTH OR I'LL TELL YOUR WIFE YOU MOLEST LITTLE BOYS

Everyone: YEAH CORD STOP BEING A DICK

The Audience: Soooo these people just rigged a trial and blackmailed a federal official. Why exactly are we supposed to be rooting for them?

Carnes: In our defense, no one liked Jud anyway -- so you can't expect us to care that much.

Cord Elam: This is seriously wrong, you guys. A man is dead, and his killer needs to be given a legitimate trial.

Everyone: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Slim: "C'mon, fellers! Let's pull them to the train in Curly's surrey! And we'll be the horses!"

[Everyone cheers.]

Carnes: WAIT JUST A GODDAMN MINUTE THE TRIAL ISN'T OVER YET

Laurey: Just let us go on our honeymoooooooon

Carnes: I HEREBY ACQUIT CURLY MCLAIN OF ANY WRONGDOING IN THE DEATH OF JUD FRY AND I ALSO SENTENCE CORD ELAM TO TEN LASHES IN THE PUBLIC SQUARE FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE

Everyone: YAAAAAAY

[Curly and Laurey get ready to leave, and Will arrives with Ado Annie. Their clothes are messed up and they're covered in straw.]

Ado Annie: I JUST HAD SEEEEEX
AND IT FELT SO GOOD

Will: ADO ANNIE LET ME PUT MY PENIS INSIDE OF HER

The Audience: Yeah, we get it. Thanks.

Everyone: AND NOW WE WILL HAVE A REPRISE OF EVERY SONG IN THE GODDAMN SHOW

Rodgers: ISN'T IT SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

The Audience: Actually, this really only convinced us that everyone in Oklahoma is a huge asshole and we should never, ever go there. But thanks anyway!

Rodgers: ... goddammit.

[End of the show.]

Operagasm: Oklahoma, Act I

Note: Any full lines in quotation marks are direct quotes from the script.

Act I: The front yard of a farmhouse, which is presumably somewhere in Oklahoma. Aunt Eller, the show's resident sassy old woman, is churning butter in the front yard. Curly McLain, a pompous jerk of a cowboy, is heard singing from offstage.

Curly: WOW IT'S SUCH A NICE DAY AND IT SURE IS GREAT TO LIVE IN SUCH A WHOLESOME RURAL SETTING

[He enters.]

Curly: Howdy, Aunt Eller!

Aunt Eller: JESUS FUCK DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT

Curly: Couldn't you hear me singing? It was pretty loud.

Aunt Eller: Bitch, I'm old and decrepit. I can't hear shit.

The Audience: Hey, she's sassy and awesome!

Curly: Well, since you didn't hear my super awesome song, I'll just have to sing it again!

The Audience: Hey, he's kind of a douche!

Curly: IT'S REALLY REALLY NICE OUTSIDE
By the way, where's your hot niece?

Aunt Eller: Find her yourself, you lazy fuck.

Curly: Why is she always such a bitch to me, though? I'm rugged and handsome and swing a lasso like a fucking boss and also my bowel movements smell like fresh clover honey!

The Audience: Waaaaait a minute. Tall, handsome, narcissistic, and constantly chasing after the hottest piece of ass in town... This seems familiar.

[It's at this point that the audience realizes that Curly is basically Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, and is therefore the villain of the story.]

The Audience: ... holy shit.

Rodgers: You've got it all wrong, guys. This story is about how being a self-absorbed asshole will get you everything you want in life!

Hammerstein: And also about how being an introvert marks you as a dangerous sociopath who should be shunned from society!

Rodgers: But we're getting ahead of ourselves. On with the show!

The Audience: ... why did we come see this, again?

Aunt Eller: Soooooo let me guess -- you're here to ask Laurey to the box social tonight.

Curly: Nuh-uh. She's stupid and has cooties and I don't want anything to do with her. Except she smells real nice, and she's got such amazingly round, perky --

[Laurey enters, singing Curly's song.]

Laurey: WOW IT'S SO NICE OUTSIDE HERP DERP DURRRR
That's what you sound like, you know.

Curly: WELL FINE I GUESS I WON'T ASK YOU THE THE BOX SOCIAL

Laurey: GOOD BECAUSE I WOULDN'T GO WITH YOU ANYWAY

Curly: WELL THEN YOU WON'T GET TO RIDE IN THE AWESOME SURREY I RENTED

Most of the Audience: What the fuck is a surrey?

Curly: AND BY THE WAY IT ALSO HAS A FRINGE ON TOP

Aunt Eller: "Would you say that fringe is made of silk?"

Curly: BITCH DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING ROCKEFELLER OF COURSE IT'S NOT SILK IT'S FUCKING COTTON

Aunt Eller: Oh.

Curly: But seriously, though, it's one pimped-out ride. The other fellers in town, they see me rollin'. They hatin'. Patrollin'! They tryna catch me drivin' a surrey.

Aunt Eller: I have no idea what any of that meant.

Curly: My carriage is baller as fuck.

Aunt Eller: Gotcha.

Laurey: Too bad I'm not going and I also don't care.

Curly: Well... I made the whole thing up, so screw you.

Laurey: WHAT THE HELL WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

Curly: I thought you didn't care.

Laurey: I DON'T BECAUSE YOU'RE A STUPID ASSBUTT

Aunt Eller: [chanting] Make out! Make out! Make out!

Laurey: Shut up. I'm out, bitches.

[Laurey exits.]

Aunt Eller: Awwww yeah. She want dat.

[Curly and Aunt Eller fist bump. Enter Ike and Slim.]

Ike: Hey, Curly, did you do what we asked you to, or did you just spend the whole time staring at Laurey's tits?

Curly: No comment.

Ike: Yeah, I thought so. Jackass. [to Aunt Eller] Can we borrow your wagon to bring people to the box social tonight?

Aunt Eller: Sure, whatever. Curly, stop being a douche for two minutes and go hitch up the horses.

Curly: YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Aunt Eller: BOY YOU BETTER HITCH UP THAT WAGON OR I WILL WHUP YOUR ASS SO HARD YOU'LL PISS BLOOD FOR A WEEK

Curly: ... yes'm.

[Curly exits. Enter Will Parker, an energetic, fun-loving cowboy who happens to be dumber than a bag of retarded hammers. Will is accompanied by a chorus of even more cowboys, who are constantly hooting and hollering like idiots because they're paper-thin stereotypes.]

Will: AUNT ELLER GUESS WHAT I WON THE STEER-ROPING COMPETITION IN KANSAS CITY AND I GOT FIFTY DOLLARS WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED BEFORE I CAN MARRY MY SLUTTY GIRLFRIEND

Aunt Eller: I swear to god -- if people don't stop showing up here uninvited, I'm gonna surround this whole goddamn place with barbed wire.

Will: AND I ALSO BOUGHT A PORN KALEIDOSCOPE AS A PRESENT FOR HER DAD BECAUSE THAT'S NOT WEIRD AT ALL

The Audience: Yeah, that's what every over-protective father wants from the guy who's trying to bone his daughter.

Aunt Eller: DID SOMEONE SAY PORN I LOVE PORN

Cowboys: Aaaaand it just got awkward.

Will: OH MAN YOU GUYS KANSAS CITY IS PRETTY AWESOME IT'S GOT CARS AND PHONES AND FAT STRIPPERS WHO'LL DO SOME AMAZING THINGS IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM IF YOU SLIP THEM AN EXTRA DOLLAR

Cowboys: whooooaaaaaaaaaaa

Will: AND ALSO I LEARNED HOW TO DANCE

[Will starts dancing a two-step, and then starts doing some ragtime.]

Cowboys: Where'd you learn how to do that?

Will: "I seen a couple fellers doin' it in the street!"

Cowboys: ... gross.

["And Will does his stuff, accompanied by four of the dancing boys."]

The Audience: Also gross.

[The dance number finishes just as Curly re-enters.]

Curly: Aww man, I can't believe I missed the big dance party!

Will: Yeeeeah, we thought about waiting until you got back, but then we remembered that we hate you because you're a dick.

The Audience: Fair enough.

[Will and the cowboys exit, leaving Curly and Aunt Eller alone onstage.]

Curly: So tell me, Aunt Eller -- if Laurey doesn't like me, who does she like? Because I'm not above murdering my romantic rivals.

Hammerstein: Foreshadowing!

Aunt Eller: No clue. But our farmhand, Jud, seems to like her a whole lot.

[Enter Jud Fry. He mumbles a greeting and exits.]

Curly: ... motherfucker.

Aunt Eller: He keeps to himself most of the time and is actually the best worker I've ever hired, but I think I'll treat him like shit for the rest of the show!

Curly: Sounds like a plan. I'll make sure everyone else does, too!

[Jud re-enters, accompanied by Laurey.]

Jud: Sooooo I'm actually gonna stop working early today; I have to wash up and look all nice because I'm taking Laurey to the box social tonight!

Curly: ... motherFUCKER.

[Jud exits again.]

Curly: Well, fine. If Laurey wants to go out with that skeevy bastard, I'll ask the least attractive person I know, just to make her jealous!

Aunt Eller: Yeah, that seems like the adult thing to do.

Curly: So, Aunt Eller -- want to go to the box social with me?

Aunt Eller: Fuck yourself.

Curly: Awesome! I'll pick you up at six in my kickass surrey, which I didn't actually make up after all!

Laurey: Goddammit.

[Curly exits.]

Laurey: Don't go to the box social with Curly tonight, Aunt Eller! I don't want to be all alone with Jud!

Aunt Eller: Then why the fuck did you say you'd go with him, you dumb bitch?

Laurey: Because he scares me!

Aunt Eller: So you thought that leading him on instead of being honest was the best course of action.

Laurey: Yeah, pretty much.

Aunt Eller: Christ. It's a good thing you're so purty, 'cause ain't nobody gonna marry you for your brains. So why does he scare you?

Laurey: Have you ever been down to that smokehouse where he lives? He has pictures of naked women on the walls!

Hammerstein: And looking at porn is the first sign that you're a danger to society!

The Audience: Weren't Will and the other cowboys looking at pictures of naked women less than five minutes ago? Are they dangerous anti-social freaks, too?

Rodgers: SHUT UP DO NOT QUESTION OUR MORAL JUDGEMENT

Laurey: Only a sick, twisted pervert would look at pictures like that! And sometimes I hear him walking past my window at night! And he looks at me when we're eating breakfast!

Aunt Eller: Calm your tits. Everything will be fine as long as you don't tell him that he's a worthless human being who deserves to die.

Hammerstein: Also foreshadowing!

The Audience: Yeah, this isn't going to end well.

[Aunt Eller sees Ado Annie and Ali Hakim off in the distance.]

Aunt Eller: Hey, it's that rat bastard of a peddler who sold me a busted egg beater! COME HERE, YOU ASSHOLE

[Ado Annie enters.]

Ado Annie: Hi, Aunt Eller!

Aunt Eller: Fuck off.

[Aunt Eller goes off to bust a cap in Ali Hakim's ass.]

Ado Annie: Hi, Laurey!

Laurey: Hey -- remember Will, your boyfriend? He's back in town, so maybe you should stop shacking up with that sketchy traveling salesman.

Ado Annie: But I don't wannaaaaaaaa

Laurey: You're going to have to choose one of them, you know.

Ado Annie: SHUT UP YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM

Laurey: You can't just go around making out with everyone who wants to! A real lady is super passive-aggressive to the man she likes until she undermines his self-esteem enough that she can walk all over him. And then they get married!

The Audience: Whoa. Did it just get crazy in here?

Ado Annie: You're just jealous.

Laurey: Am not!

Ado Annie: Are too. When was the last time someone gave you an orgasm?

Laurey: Gave me a whatnow?

Ado Annie: Yeah, that's what I thought. Let's see, how can I put this delicately...
I'M JUST A GIRL WHO'LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES

[The remaining verses, bridge, choruses, and encore verse are all variations on this theme.]

Ado Annie: Yeah, that about covers it.

Laurey: Wow.

Ado Annie: And it's okay that Ali Hakim and I are playing Just the Tip, because he wants to marry me!

Laurey: Okay, two questions. First, what the fuck kind of a name is that? Second, has he actually said he wants to get married?

Ado Annie: It's Persian, you racist. And no, he hasn't exactly proposed yet, but he did say that he wanted to [CENSORED] me in the [CENSORED] until I [CENSORED] so loud they could hear me all the way back in Persepolis!

Laurey: [horrified silence]

Ado Annie: So, you know. Tomayto, tomahto.

Laurey: [vomits everywhere]

[Ali Hakim enters, pursued by Aunt Eller.]

Aunt Eller: GET THE FUCK BACK HERE

Ali: OH GOD AUNT ELLER'S GONNA KILL ME

Aunt Eller: I AIN'T YOUR FUCKING AUNT SO YOU CAN'T CALL ME THAT

The Audience: Wait. Does that mean she's actually related to everyone else who calls her that? Which is pretty much everyone else in the show?

[Banjos start playing. The Audience starts to get uncomfortable.]

Ali: Look, if you're unhappy with the product you purchased, I would be happy to exchange it for something else if it means you won't kill me.

Aunt Eller: [growls]

Ali: Sexy lingerie?

Aunt Eller: ... I'm listening.

Ali: How about you, Laurey? Do you want anything?

Laurey: I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME

Ali: Wow. Crazy seems to run in your family. How about some bath salts? They're Egyptian or something.

Laurey: I dunno...

Ali: They'll make you trip balls and see some really weird shit.

Laurey: Sold!

Ali: Wonderful. By the way, Ali Hakim Enterprises is in no way responsible for any face-eating that may or may not occur as a result of using this product.

Laurey: What?

Ali: I didn't say anything.

Aunt Eller: Sooooo about that sexy lingerie you mentioned...

Ali: Let's step inside and I can show you!

[Laurey and Aunt Eller go into the house, but Annie detains Ali before he can follow.]

Ado Annie: Hey, remember the time that you told me you wanted to stuff me like a Thanksgiving turkey?

Ali: You know it, baby.

Ado Annie: That means you want to marry me, right?

Ali's Internal Monologue: oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

Ali: Wellllllllll you see... what I really meant was, uh...

[Will enters.]

Will: HEY ADO ANNIE I'M BACK

Ado Annie: Shit.

Will: HOW'S ABOUT YOU AND ME GO FUCK IN A HAYLOFT

Ado Annie: Uh... Will, this is Ali Hakim.

Will: WELL HOWDY I'M ANNIE'S FIANCÉ

Ali's Iternal Monologue: Oh, thank Christ.

Ali: Wow it's really nice to meet you and now I have to be somewhere that's not here. Ta!

[Ali gets the hell outta Dodge.]

Will: GUESS WHAT I GOT FIFTY DOLLARS LIKE YOUR DAD SAID I HAD TO SO NOW WE CAN GET MARRIED

Ado Annie: wooooooo I'm super excited and stuff because I was totally faithful while you were gone

Will: AND THEN I SPENT IT ALL ON PRESENTS FOR YOU

Ado Annie: I know I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but doesn't that mean that you don't actually have the fifty dollars anymore?

Will: STOP TALKING NONSENSE AND GIVE ME A KISS

Ado Annie: Make me.

Will: I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU THE WHOLE TIME I WAS WRESTLING FARM ANIMALS IN KANSAS CITY

Ado Annie: Huh. Is it wrong that I'm kinda turned on right now?

Will: JUST KISS ME ALREADY

Ado Annie: OKAY

[They have big, sloppy makeouts and then exit. Aunt Eller and Laurey come back outside just as Curly and the chorus enter. All the women are carrying lunch baskets which will be auctioned off at the box social -- and before you ask: yes, this is a major plot point, and yes, it's exactly as stupid as it sounds.]

Chorus: WOW IT'S SUCH A NICE DAAAAAY

Curly: STOP STEALING MY SONG YOU FUCKERS

Gertie Cummings: I HAVE AN UNFORTUNATE LAST NAME AND AN EVEN WORSE LAUGH HURR HURR HURR

All the Men Onstage: Oh. Oh god. Can you un-masturbate to something?

[Curly leaves and Gertie follows him because she wants to get herself a piece of that ass. The men leave with the baskets, while the women stay onstage and are super catty.]

Women: HEY LAUREY LOOKS LIKE CURLY'S GONNA FUCK GERTIE

Laurey: Pfft. Like I give a damn who he sleeps with. I am a strong, independent woman who doesn't waste her time whining about men! But also I hope he gets herpes.

Women: I KNOW RIGHT

[They all leave as Ali Hakim enters, followed shortly thereafter by Ado Annie.]

Ado Annie: ALI HAKIM I CAN'T MARRY YOU I'M SO SORRY

Ali: Oh. That's... very sad. My heart is totally broken and stuff.

[Enter Old Man Carnes, the show's resident shotgun-toting crotchety old man. Think Clint Eastwood from Gran Torino, only with fewer racial slurs.]

Carnes: Hey, Annie. I heard that dumb-fuck Will Parker got himself fifty dollars?

Ado Annie: Yuuuup.

Carnes: Goddammit. I was really hoping my grandbabies wouldn't be mentally handicapped nymphomaniacs, but I guess that's off the table now.

Ado Annie: Rude.

Carnes: Soooo you'll probably want to get that money from him before he does something stupid, like spending it all on presents for you.

Ado Annie: Yeah, about that... He kinda already did.

Carnes: Oh, thank god. There's hope for your future yet. Now I just need to find you someone else to marry...

Ali: I THINK SHE SHOULD MARRY WILL BECAUSE THEY'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER

Carnes: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU

Ado Annie: Oh, this is the guy I've been fooling around with while Will's been away!

Carnes: Aaaaaand we have a winner! Congratulations, son; you get to marry my daughter!

Ali: What happens if I say no?

Carnes: Then I stick my shotgun up your ass and pull the trigger.

Ali: OH MAN YOUR DAUGHTER AND I ARE GOING TO BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER

[Carnes exits. Ali curls up into a ball and starts weeping softly.]

Ado Annie: I know! I'm so excited I could cry, too!

[Annie exits. Enter the men's chorus.]

Men: What the fuck happened to you?

Ali: WHEN I SAY SHOTGUN YOU SAY WEDDING -- SHOTGUN

Men: WEDDING

Ali: SHOTGUN

Men: WEDDING

Everyone Who Reads My Blog: Panic at the Disco? That was the best you could come up with?

Me: Fuck you guys; this is harder than it looks.

[And then the women come onstage and drag the men away, presumably for torture of some sort. Laurey enters from the house just in time to see Curly and Gertie returning.]

Gertie: Oh hey, Laurey. Have you packed your lunch for the auction tonight?

Laurey: I TOTALLY HAVE AND IT'S GONNA BE BETTER THAN YOURS

Gertie: BITCH DO YOU WANNA FIGHT

Laurey: YUUUP

[Curly is visibly aroused by the prospect of a girl-fight. Aunt Eller enters.]

Aunt Eller: WOULD YOU BITCHES CALM THE FUCK DOWN

Laurey and Gertie: ... yes, ma'am.

[Aunt Eller takes Gertie inside, leaving Laurey and Curly alone.]

Laurey: What a bitch. But I bet she's great in the sack, right?

Curly: Wouldn't know. But you'll have to tell me how Jud is.

Laurey: You're just jealous 'cause everyone knows you want to get a piece of this fine ass.

Curly: Nuh-uh. Everyone knows you're the one who wants to save a horse and ride this cowboy.

The Audience: JUST FUCK ALREADY

Laurey: Nope. We're just gonna sing about how much we don't like each other.

Curly: Sounds like a plan!

Both: YOU'RE STUPID AND GROSS BUT EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO THINK WE SHOULD MAKE A BABY

Curly: And while I'm proving how much I don't like you, I'm going to go interrogate Jud about how he got you to go with him to the party. Because that makes so much sense.

[Curly leaves and Laurey has lots of feelings. And then the scene changes!]

The Audience: FINALLY

[And now we're inside Jud's smokehouse. It's dark and there are pictures of naked ladies on the walls.]

Hammerstein: SEE HOW MUCH OF A DEVIANT HE IS

Rodgers: HE CLEARLY DESERVES TO BE AN OUTCAST

[Curly enters. Jud is cleaning a gun on the table.]

Jud: What the fuck do you want?

Curly: Oh, nothing. I just came down here to make awkward small-talk. Soooo whatcha thinkin' about?

Jud: How much I hate it when pompous assholes come in here uninvited.

Curly: Yeah, I bet that sucks. So what do you use that gun for?

Jud: Shooting pompous assholes who come in here uninvited.

Curly: Good talk. Hey, have you ever thought about killing yourself?

Jud: Um... no?

Curly: Well, maybe you should.

The Audience: So, wait. Is the protagonist of this show, with whom we're expected to sympathize, actually trying to talk someone into committing suicide? All because he was too much of a pussy to ask the girl he likes to a dance?

Rodgers: Yup. He's a real American hero!

The Audience: Wow. Fuck him and fuck you too.

Curly: OHHHH SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

Jud: IT BRINGS ON MANY CHANGES

Both: AND I CAN TAKE OR LEAVE IT IF I PLEASE

Curly: Man, I can't wait to go to your funeral!

Jud: Yeah, funny thing about that. I have this friend who totally isn't me who used to work on a farm where people always treated him like shit, and then he burned the farm to the ground and killed everyone who had been a dick to him. So maybe you should stop being an asshole.

The Audience: So now we actually know that Jud's a murdering psychopath, and yet he still manages to be more sympathetic than Curly.

Jud: Also, you should stay away from Laurey because she's mine.

Curly: Yeah, that's not gonna work for me because fuck you.

[Jud gets pissed and fires his gun in the air, and Curly responds by shooting at a knothole because he always has to turn everything into a dick-measuring contest.]

The Audience: What a douche.

[Aunt Eller enters with Ali Hakim and some random people that no one gives a shit about.]

Aunt Eller: WOULD YOU TWO FUCKERS STOP SHOOTING UP MY SMOKEHOUSE

[Aunt Eller and the random people exit, but Ali stays behind.]

Ali: Hey, Jud -- I just got some brand new porn! Want to take a look?

Curly: Aaaaaand that's my cue to leave.

[Curly exits.]

Jud: Would you happen to have anything I could use to murder that smug son of a bitch?

Ali: Not at the moment. Just pictures of tits.

Jud: What I'd really like is one of those porn kaleidoscopes they sell in Kansas City, because they actually have HIDDEN KNIVES YOU CAN USE TO STAB PEOPLE IN THE CHEST

The Audience: Wait, what? That makes no goddamn sense.

Hammerstein: Just go with it.

Ali: Yeah, I'll keep an eye out for one of those. You sure you don't want the new issue of Penthouse?

Jud: I'M SICK OF PORN I WANT AN ACTUAL WOMAN

Ali: Cool. I'm going to get the hell out of your murder-shack now.

[Ali leaves. Jud broods and fantasizes about getting into Laurey's pants or petticoats or whatever the fuck women wore at the time.]

Jud: I WEAR RAGS AND HE WEARS A NICE BLOUSE
HE'S ROPIN' CATTLE WHILE I'M IN THE SMOKEHOUSE
DREAMING OF THE DAY WHEN YOU'LL WAKE UP AND FIND
THAT WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR
HAS BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME

Everyone Who Reads My Blog: Gaaaaaay.

Me: FUCK OFF

Jud: CAN'T YOU SEEEEEEEE
YOU BELONG WITH MEEEEEE

[The scene changes again. A bunch of women enter and are telling fortunes or some bullshit like that. They're followed shortly thereafter by Laurey, who's clutching her bottle of bath salts.]

Laurey: GET OUT OF HERE I WANT TO GET HIGH

Gertie: What, what, what are you doing. You bought some roofies from a peddler.

Laurey: I NEED DRUGS SO I CAN MAKE UP MY MIND

Kate: You're a stupid bitch.

Ellen: Just get your bone on with Curly already!

Women: LISTEN TO YOUR HEART OR SOMETHING

[Laurey starts huffing her bath salts, and -- as promised -- she starts tripping balls. She hallucinates that she and Curly start dancing ballet-style, after which they make out and get married and then Jud shows up and kills Curly dead and no one is sad except for her. When Laurey finally comes down from her insane trip, Jud is waiting for her.]

Jud: WOOOOO LET'S GO DANCE

[End of Act I.]

The Audience: IT'S ABOUT GODDAMN TIME THIS IS THE LONGEST FIRST ACT EVER

Next installment: Act II

Operagasm: La Bohème, Act IV

Previous installments: Act I, Act II, Act III

Act IV: Back in the shitty apartment from Act I. It's spring now, but everything still looks drab as fuck.

Puccini: This act starts in mid-conversation! Isn't that cool?

The Audience: Yeah sure whatever.

Marcello: So you saw Musetta?

Rodolfo: Yuuup. She was in a carriage and looking foxy as hell.

Marcello: grumble grumble dirty whore

Rodolfo: So I was all like "Hey" and she was all like "Hey yourself" and then I was like "Marcello is still totally pining for you" and she was like "Wow, what a pussy."

Marcello: Thanks. Good to know you've got my back, douche.

Rodolfo: Any time!

Marcello: And speaking of being a little bitch about exes, I saw Mimi the other day!

Rodolfo: ... goddammit.

Marcello: Yeah, she's totally shacking up with some rich guy who's buying her a bunch of fancy shit and just generally treating her better than you could ever hope to. Soooooo you can eat a bag of dicks.

Rodolfo: Whatever; I'm totally over her.

Marcello: Sure you are.

Rodolfo: Just shut up and let me work.

Marcello: YOU shut up.

[Rodolfo goes back to his writing and Marcello goes back to his painting. To no one's surprise, they get absolutely nothing done.]

Both: WE'RE STILL TERRIBLE AT WHAT WE DO

The Audience: Yuuuuuup.

[Rodolfo takes out Mimi's pink bonnet and Marcello takes out Musetta's favorite pair of fuzzy handcuffs. Both men start stroking their respective keepsakes lovingly.]

The Audience: This is... slightly uncomfortable.

Rodolfo: Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

Marcello: But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

Both: I GUESS THAT I DON'T NEED THAT THOUGH
NOW YOU'RE JUST SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW

The Audience: SING A BETTER SONG

[They pause and look at each other.]

Rodolfo: DO YOU BELIEEEEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE

Marcello: I CAN FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAY --

Both: -- I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU'RE STRONG ENOUGH

The Audience: Your gay is showing, boys.

Marcello: Fuck off.

Rodolfo: So is it just me, or are we starving to death again?

Marcello: Pretty much.

Rodolfo: Huh. Maybe one of us should get a job.

Marcello: Hey, now. Let's not start talking crazy.

[Enter Schaunard and Colline, carrying bread and also a pickled herring because why the fuck not.]

Schaunard: HEY GUYS WE'RE BACK

Rodolfo: What took you so long? Did you stop for a quickie on the way?

Schaunard: OF COURSE NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY GAY AND WE'RE NOT GAY AT ALL

Colline: [wiping off his mouth] Um, yeah. What he said.

Marcello: WOW THIS BREAD LOOKS LIKE A DELICIOUS CHANGE OF SUBJECT

Schaunard: THIS TRULY IS A SUMPTUOUS BANQUET

Rodolfo: WHO WANTS SOME SALMON

Marcello: TRY THE SAUTÉED BREAST OF PARROT

Puccini: See what I did there? It's funny because they're not actually eating all that stuff they say they are.

The Audience: Yeah, you're a genius. Shut up.

Colline: WHILE WE ARE ENGAGING IN JOCULAR HYPERBOLE I SUPPOSE I SHOULD MENTION THAT THE KING HAS HIRED ME TO BE HIS TRUSTED ADVISOR

The Audience: ... is this what they think humor is?

Schaunard: LET'S DRINK A TOAST

Everyone Else: Nnnnnnope.

Schaunard: PLEEEEEASE

Everyone Else: Shut up.

Schaunard: Fine. Anyone want to dance?

Everyone Else: OHMIGOD YES

Marcello: I'LL BE THE LADY

[Awkward silence. Everyone looks at Marcello.]

Marcello: I mean... only if no one else wants to.

[Everyone splits up into pairs. Rodolfo dances with Marcello and Schaunard dances with Colline because they're attached at the dick. Things go downhill pretty quickly.]

Colline: WHO TAUGHT YOU TO DANCE

Schaunard: YOUR MOM DID

Marcello and Rodolfo: Ohhhhh snap.

Colline: DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT MY MOM

Schaunard: I DO WHAT I WANT

Colline: BITCH I WILL CUT YOU

[And then they duel with kitchen implements because they're apparently eight years old.]

The Audience: You know, this is actually pretty enjoyable and not depressing at all!

[Musetta bursts in like a total fucking buzzkill.]

Musetta: HEY YOU GUYS MIMI IS TOTALLY DYING

The Audience: Goddammit.

Mimi: Oh hey, guys. Don't mind me; my lungs are just turning inside out.

Rodolfo: MIMI I MISSED YOU SO MUCH

Mimi: I MISSED YOU SO MUCH TOO EVEN THOUGH MY CURRENT SUGAR DADDY DOESN'T VERBALLY ABUSE ME AND EXACERBATE MY LIFE-THREATENING ILLNESS LIKE YOU DID

Musetta: She wanted to spend her last moments here. God only knows why; this place is a shit-hole.

Mimi: I have so many fond memories of this place! I feel better already!

[Mimi vomits blood all over the couch.]

Schaunard: NOT ON THE UPHOLSTERY

Colline: WE JUST HAD IT STEAM-CLEANED

Rodolfo: Would you assholes shut up and let me continue my epic grief-wank?

Schaunard and Colline: ... sorry.

Mimi: Jesus, it's cold in here.

The Audience: How do you not remember that? It's kind of an important plot point.

Mimi: I wish I had something to warm up my hands...

Rodolfo: GOD WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO NEEDY

Mimi: I'M DYING SO I THINK IT'S ALLOWED

Rodolfo: Fiiiiiine. We'll get you some mittens or something -- but we're hella broke, so Colline will probably have to sell his stupid coat.

Colline: [whimpers]

Mimi: Oh -- hello, Marcello! And Schaunard and Colline are here too!

Marcello: BITCH WE'VE BEEN RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU THIS WHOLE TIME

Mimi: You know, you and Musetta made a pretty cute couple. You two should get back together!

Marcello and Musetta: Hmmmmmmm...

The Audience: Oh, for fuck's sake. STOP THINKING WITH YOUR GENITALS

Marcello: I... have to go. Outside. To buy medicine.

Musetta: I also have to go, for a similarly selfless reason that in no way involves hot, incredibly dirty sex in the alley behind the building.

The Audience: We can only hope that the opera ends with the building catching fire and killing all of you assholes.

[Marcello and Musetta leave.]

Colline: I WILL NOW SELL MY BELOVED COAT

Schaunard: AND I HAVE NOTHING USEFUL TO DO

Colline: You should come with me! Let Mimi and Rodolfo get their bone on one last time.

Schaunard: Good call.

[They leave Rodolfo and Mimi alone.]

Mimi: Are they gone yet? I was pretending to be asleep because I can't stand those assholes.

Rodolfo: I thought you liked them!

Mimi: Yeah, and you also thought you routinely gave me multiple orgasms. What's your point?

Rodolfo: Wait, what?

Mimi: Nothing. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Rodolfo: I LOVE YOU TOO

Mimi: Do you still think I'm pretty?

Rodolfo: As pretty as a sunrise!

Mimi: Actually, considering the circumstances, "pretty as a sunset" might be more appropriate.

Rodolfo: BITCH I'M A POET I SAID SUNRISE AND I MEANT IT

Mimi: Oooookay. On a completely different note, do you remember when I said I had no idea why people called me Mimi?

Rodolfo: Yes?

Mimi: Well, I still have no idea. And now I'm gonna die, so we'll never know!

Rodolfo: Huh. Somehow that managed to be both depressing and completely pointless.

The Audience: I know, right?

Rodolfo: By the way, I kept your bonnet! I tenderly stroke it every day because it reminds me of you.

Mimi: That's... great. Hey, remember that time when we met and I dropped my key in your apartment and you found it right away but pretended you hadn't so you could keep me in your apartment?

Rodolfo: Yuuuup.

Mimi: I only just realized how creepy that was. I guess I'm pretty lucky that you weren't a serial killer or something.

Rodolfo: Oh, I totally am. You just don't fit my usual victim profile.

The Audience: That explains SO MUCH

[Mimi coughs up one of her bronchial tubes.]

Rodolfo: OH NOOOO

[Schaunard rushes back in to see what's wrong, and then does absolutely nothing to help.]

Mimi: sputter hack drool

Rodolfo: Aaaaand that's what you get for talking too much.

[Marcello and Musetta return.]

Marcello: We went to the doctor; he's on his way.

Musetta: Also, here's a muff to warm your hands!

Mimi: [to Rodolfo] Awwww. You bought this for me?

Rodolfo: Uhhhhh... yes. Yes I did.

Musetta: Oh HELL naw. I sold my fucking earrings to buy that muff, and this asshole gets all the credit?

Marcello: Sure looks like it!

[Rodolfo cries like a little bitch and Mimi goes to sleep.]

Musetta: Dear Jesus -- if you let Mimi get better, then I promise I'll stop being such a dirty whore all the time. Thanks.

Schaunard: Ummm... she's totally dead, guys.

Musetta: Thanks for nothing, Jesus.

[Colline finally comes back, minus one coat.]

Colline: I have nothing useful to show for my trouble except a couple of coins!

Schaunard: Aaaand you're also too late. Bitch be dead.

Colline: FUCK

The Audience: Well, that was pointless.

Rodolfo: Hey, why's everyone whispering and looking at me like that?

Marcello: Um... we're planning you a surprise birthday party?

Rodolfo: But my birthday isn't for another six months!

Marcello: Shit. Yeah, Mimi's totally dead.

The Audience: This is stupid and these people are all assholes. Are we supposed to care that --

The Orchestra: LARGO SOSTENUTO

Rodolfo: MIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

The Audience: OH GOD SO MANY FEELINGS

[End of the opera.]

Operagasm: La Bohème, Act III

Previous installments: Act I, Act II

Act III: The Barrière d'Enfer, a toll-gate on the outskirts of Paris. There's also a tavern because everyone in this opera is always drunk. It's some time around the ass-crack of dawn.

Street Sweepers: OPEN THE GATE WE'RE FREEZING OUR NUTS OFF

Toll-Gate Guy: Calm your tits, I'll be there in a minute.

Women in the Tavern: SOMETHING SOMETHING LOVE SONG

Musetta: HEY DO YOU GUYS RECOGNIZE THIS MELODY

The Audience: Yeah, it's your aria from Act II. Do you want a medal or something?

Men in the Tavern: SOMETHING SOMETHING DRINKING SONG

The Audience: So, wait. It's already Act III and no one's dead yet? What the hell kind of opera is this?

Milkmaids: Hey girl haaaaaaaaay

Toll-Gate Guy: Oh I am so sick of these bitches.

[Toll-Gate Guy checks the contents of everyone's baskets as they come through the gate.]

Milkmaids: CHICKEN AND EGGS

The Audience: Yes Puccini thank you for this little slice of life NOW CAN SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPEN

The Orchestra: MI CHIAMANO MIIIIMIIIIIIIIIII

The Audience: Finally.

[Mimi enters, looking sickly, and approaches the Other Toll-Gate Guy.]

Mimi: Hey, I'm looking for a tavern where a painter works. Little help?

Other Toll-Gate Guy: This is Paris, you dumb slut. Literally every tavern in the city has at least one painter.

Mimi: This one's named Marcello.

Other Toll-Gate Guy: Not ringing any bells.

Mimi: Studly baritone? Hangs out with a dominatrix?

Other Toll-Gate Guy: Oh, that Marcello. Yeah, he's in the tavern upstage left. 

The Audience: That was convenient.

Mimi: Hey, random woman -- could you go into that tavern and find a painter named Marcello? I really need to talk to him.

Random Woman: Yeah sure whatever. Wanna give me a couple francs to make it worth my while?

Mimi: I'm broke as fuck, so probably not.

Random Woman: grumble grumble grumble

[Random Woman goes into the tavern, and Marcello emerges shortly thereafter.]

Marcello: Oh hey, Mimi. I'm guessing you were the cheapskate bitch who needed to talk to me?

Mimi: Yuuuuup.

Marcello: What's so damn important that we have to talk outside? It's fucking freezing out here, and I'm sure that can't be good for that completely harmless cough you've had for a while now.

Mimi: Is Rodolfo inside?

Marcello: Yeah, why?

Mimi: Wellllllll I'm about to bitch about him, so the tavern isn't really the best option. Better get used to the cold, wuss.

Marcello: Go to hell. So what's the problem?

Mimi: The problem is that Rodolfo's a fucking nutcase.

The Audience: FINALLY SOMEONE REALIZES THIS

Marcello: Ooookay... care to elaborate on that?

Mimi: He's always suspicious and he yells at me and tells me I'm a terrible girlfriend and also HE STARES AT ME WHILE I SLEEP LIKE HE'S TRYING TO READ MY MIND.

Twilight Fans in the Audience: Wait, I don't get it. Is that supposed to be a bad thing?

The Rest of the Audience: WHO THE HELL LET YOU PEOPLE INTO THE THEATER

Marcello: You two dumb bitches wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it bent you over the table and sodomized you with a giant pink strap-on.

The Audience: That was... oddly phrased. And also weirdly specific.

Marcello: And speaking of which, Musetta and I are doing great!

Mimi: Oh. Oh god. That was a mental image I didn't even remotely need.

Marcello: I'm not gonna lie, though; I'm pretty sore. Sometimes the friction gets so bad that I just -- 

Mimi: YES OKAY SHUT UP

Marcello: Long story short, Musetta and I are the model of a healthy relationship.

Mimi: Uh-huh. You know, you're dumber than you look.

Marcello: What's that supposed to mean?

Mimi: Nothing, sweetie. OH SHIT RODOLFO'S COMING I THINK I'LL HIDE

Marcello: That seems like a perfectly normal reaction.

[Mimi conceals herself just as Rodolfo enters from the tavern.]

Rodolfo: There you are. What the hell are you doing out here in the cold?

Marcello: DEFINITELY NOT LISTENING TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND TALK SHIT ABOUT YOU

Rodolfo: Wait, what?

Marcello: I mean... just getting some fresh air. Like you do.

Rodolfo: Whatever. Anyway, I think I'm probably going to break up with Mimi.

Marcello: Because you're a little bitch?

Rodolfo: 'Cause she's a ho.

Marcello: ... really.

Rodolfo: To be more specific, she's a ho fo' sho'.

Marcello: Yeah, I don't think that's actually true.

Rodolfo: OKAY FINE IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S DYING OF CONSUMPTION BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW YET SO YOU CAN'T TELL HER

Mimi: [still hiding] ... son of a BITCH.

Marcello: Okay, I have a couple questions. First of all, how in the actual fuck do you know about her debilitating illness when she apparently doesn't?

Rodolfo: Um...

Marcello: Because last time I checked, coughing up bloody chunks of your own respiratory system was pretty fucking hard to miss.

Rodolfo: Huh. That really doesn't make any goddamn sense, does it.

The Audience: Nnnnnnnope.

Puccini: Fuck all y'all haters. You can just deal with it.

Marcello: Second, are you telling me that Mimi is literally dying and -- instead of doing anything to help -- you decided the best course of action would be to start verbally and emotionally abusing her?

Rodolfo: Apparently. Also, I'm pretty sure that making her live in my tiny, dirty, frigid apartment is only exacerbating her condition.

Marcello: Wow. I think you might be the worst human being I've ever met.

The Audience: Wasn't this opera supposed to be romantic?

Mimi: [starts coughing up a lung]

Rodolfo: OH SHIT IT'S MIMI

Marcello: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she heard everything. Have a fun breakup, bro.

Mimi: WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULDN'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE TUBERCULOSIS

Rodolfo: I thought it would be better to make your life a living hell until you decided to leave me and my death trap of an apartment! Honest!

Marcello: God, you guys are so fucked up. It's too bad you can't be happy and carefree like Musetta and I are!

[Musetta's laugh is heard from the tavern.]

Marcello: MUSETTA YOU DIRTY WHORE IF YOU'RE FLIRTING WITH SOMEONE ELSE I'M GONNA FLAY YOU ALIVE AND USE YOUR SKIN AS A CANVAS

The Audience: Holy shit. Is anyone in this opera not a complete fucking psychopath?

[Marcello rushes offstage with murder on the brain.]

Mimi: Sooooo yeah. We're pretty much done here.

Rodolfo: But I love youuuuuu

Mimi: I mean... I still love you for some reason, but I also love being alive and not being in an abusive relationship. Soooo I'm gonna send someone to pick up my things, but you can keep that bonnet you bought me.

Rodolfo: So I can treasure the memory of our time together?

Mimi: No, mostly because I just realized it's garish as fuck.

Rodolfo: Oh. Well, I guess now would be a good time to reminisce about all my favorite parts of the relationship!

Mimi: And I will dwell on everything negative!

The Men in the Audience: Sounds pretty accurate.

Mimi: Goodbye to jealousy and suspicion!

Rodolfo: Goodbye to all that great sex we had!

Mimi: Goodbye to the constant fighting!

Rodolfo: And also great sex!

Mimi: But you know what sucks? Being single in the winter. It's just, like... super depressing.

Rodolfo: Totally. It would be so much better if we could wait to break up until spring.

Both: Hmmmmmm....

The Audience: NO NO NO YOU FUCKING MORONS

[Musetta enters, pursued by an irate Marcello.]

Marcello: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU JUST DOING

Musetta: I don't know what you mean.

Marcello: No, really. You're gonna have to explain what I just saw, because I have no fucking idea what that was. There were ropes everywhere and several midgets and a bottle of ranch dressing and... was that a lemur?

Musetta: I was just having some fun. You need to chill out.

Marcello: YOU NEED TO STOP FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT MOVES

Musetta: I DO WHAT I WANT

Marcello: I REFUSE TO BE CUCKOLDED THIS WAY

Musetta: Too late, bitch!

Marcello: SLUT

Musetta: PUSSY

Marcello: SHE-DEVIL

Musetta: MEDIOCRE PAINTER

Marcello: Oh no you didn't.

[Marcello and Musetta exit, screaming profanities at each other.]

Rodolfo: So it's agreed: you'll stay in my drafty-ass apartment during the coldest part of the year, despite my earlier suspicions that living there was literally killing you, and then you'll move out in the spring when it starts getting warm again!

Mimi: My favorite part of this plan is how much sense it makes!

Both: OUR LOVE IS SO BEAUTIFUL

The Audience: ....... what the FUCK.

[End of Act III.]

Next installment: Act IV

Operagasm: La Bohème, Act II

Previous installments: Act I

Act II: Cafe Momus, the hang-out of choice for douchey Parisian hipsters. Still Christmas Eve.

The Chorus: WE'RE DRUNK

Street Urchins: WE'RE OBNOXIOUS

Vendors: GET SOME HOT COCOA, BITCHES

[Enter Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline. Schaunard makes a beeline for the music vendor.]

Schaunard: Hey, this trumpet is super out of tune. I'll take it!

The Audience: For the love of -- WHY DO YOU ALL SUCK AT WHAT YOU DO

Colline: I LOVE MY COAT

Anyone Who Cares About Colline: [does not appear in this scene]

[Enter Mimi and Rodolfo. Their psychotically codependent relationship has gotten exponentially worse since we saw them five minutes ago.]

Rodolfo: I love you!

Mimi: I love you more!

Rodolfo: No, I love you more!

Mimi: Well, I love you most.

The Audience: [vomits everywhere]

Marcello: Hello, ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back to your man. Now back to me. ... Wanna fuck?

Prune Vendor: WHO WANTS PRUNES

Marcello: Y'all better get ready, 'cause I'm into some weird shit.

Prune Vendor: I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING YOU ASSHOLES BETTER BUY SOME GODDAMN PRUNES

Marcello: Anyone? Aaaaanyone? ... Bueller?

Colline: I ALSO LOVE BOOKS

Schaunard: Yeah, no one cares.

Marcello: Well, no one's agreed to have sex with me yet. Let's just get a table.

Mimi: Oh. My. God. Look at this adorable bonnet!

The Audience: Wow. That's... really pink. And frilly.

Rodolfo: Ohmigod it's perfect for you and it brings out your eyes sooooo well!

Mimi: I know, right?

The Audience: It looks like a unicorn vomited.

Mimi: Buy it for me!

Rodolfo: Anything for you, baby.

Mimi: That necklace is pretty cool too...

Rodolfo: BITCH DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY

The Chorus: OH BY THE WAY WE'RE STILL HERE

Rodolfo: WHO WERE YOU LOOKING AT JUST THEN

Mimi: Really? We've been dating for ten minutes and you're already jealous?

Rodolfo: It's only because I love you SO MUCH that I just want to lock you in my attic and keep you ALL TO MYSELF

Mimi: Awww, that's so romantic.

The Audience: [uncomfortable silence]

Schaunard: Waiter! Bring us ALL THE FOOD

Parpignol: I'M SUPER CREEPY AND I HAVE LOTS OF TOYS

[Rodolfo and Mimi finally join the others.]

Rodolfo: Oh hey, guys. This is Mimi and she's my soul mate! Our group kinda sucked before, but now that she's here EVERYTHING WILL BE AWESOME FOREVER

Marcello: Yeah, good luck with that.

Colline: Pretentious Latin saying!

Schaunard: Witty retort!

Colline: It wasn't actually that witty.

Schaunard: Eat a dick.

Parpignol: WHAT'S UP BITCHES I'M BACK

Colline: SOMEONE BRING ME SOME SALAMI

Street Urchins: AAAAAHHHH IT'S PARPIGNOL AAAHHHHHH

The Audience: Goddammit. We came to the opera to get away from our kids.

Mothers: CHILDREN GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN HE'S PROBABLY SOME SORT OF PEDERAST

Parpignol: I also have some candy in my pocket, but you'll have to reach in there to get it.

Street Urchins: YAAAAAY CANDY

[And then he leads all the children away like the Pied Piper and for some reason no one onstage seems to have a problem with it.]

The Audience: Wait, what in the actual fuck just happened?

Puccini: It's a metaphor or something. Stop asking questions.

Marcello: Aaaaaand let's never speak of that again. So what did Rodolfo buy you, Mimi?

Mimi: It's this cute pink bonnet that I really wanted and he knew that I wanted it because we're in love and he can read my heart's deepest desires!

The Audience: Either that or you just told him you wanted one.

Mimi: SHUT UP I LIKE MY VERSION BETTER

Marcello: Whatever, dumbasses. Love is totally overrated.

Mimi: What crawled up his ass?

Rodolfo: He's just pissed 'cause his hot girlfriend left him for a geriatric sugar daddy.

Schaunard: LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT

Colline: MORE BOOZE

Marcello: I solemnly swear that I will never think about Musetta again!

[Musetta's laugh is heard.]

Marcello: GodDAMN it.

The Audience: Well, that was predictable.

[Musetta enters, followed shortly thereafter by Alcindoro, the previously mentioned geriatric sugar daddy.]

The Chorus: OH HEY IT'S MUSETTA DAAAAAMN SHE LOOK FINE

Alcindoro: ... so tired ... my brittle old bones ...

Musetta: GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE, LULU

The Audience: ... did she just call him "Lulu?"

Musetta: Yuuuuuup.

The Audience: Why would you call him that?

Musetta: I DO WHAT I WANT

The Audience: Ooooookay.

Alcindoro: Could you maybe not call me that in public?

Musetta: Excuse me, was I talking to you?

Alcindoro: ... no. Sorry.

Musetta: Sorry WHAT?

Alcindoro: Sorry, mistress.

Musetta: That's better. Now sit there and shut the fuck up while I order everything on the menu.

Alcindoro: Yes, mistress.

Mimi: Soooo is someone gonna tell me who that crazy bitch is?

Marcello: That's Musetta. She's pure evil and she mates with men and devours their hearts and also she has cooties and is a big stupid stupidhead.

Mimi: It's good to know you're handling the breakup so well.

Musetta: HEY MARCELLO OVER HERE LOOK AT ME

Marcello: [drinks a handle of vodka]

Musetta: MARCELLOOOOOOO

Marcello: [throws up]

Musetta: How to get his attention... HEY WAITER THIS PLATE SMELLS FUNNY

[She starts throwing dishes everywhere because she's insane.]

Colline: Wow, this is great food.

Schaunard: I know, right?

Musetta: COME ON PAY ATTENTION TO ME YOU ASSHOLES

Alcindoro: Hey, mistress... do you think that maybe we could keep the volume and/or property damage to a minimum?

Musetta: Sounds like someone wants to spend another night in the cage.

Alcindoro: [whimpers]

Musetta: Good boy. Time for Plan B!

Alcindoro: What's Plan B?

Musetta: It's where I sing an aria to seduce my ex and then totally abandon you for him.

Alcindoro: Oh.

Musetta: Yeah, when I walk on by
Boys be lookin' like "Damn, she fly!
Something something something
WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE YEAH
I'm sexy and I knooooow iiiiiiiit

Alcindoro: [weeps softly for his lost dignity]

Marcello: God help me I want to tap that ass so hard

Schaunard: Five bucks says Marcello gets back with Crazy-Face over there.

Colline: Meh. She's not my type.

Schaunard: What are you, gay?

Colline: As a matter of fact...

[Schaunard and Colline lock eyes. Time slows to a standstill, and then they start making out like WHOA.]

Musetta: It's still not working. Time for Plan C!

Alcindoro: I really don't want to know what that is, do I.

Musetta: OH GOD WHAT IS THIS SEARING PAIN IN MY FOOT

Alcindoro: Something tells me your foot doesn't actually hurt.

Musetta: IT MUST BE MY SHOE

Alcindoro: You know, you could just break up with me like a normal person.

Musetta: GO GET ME A DIFFERENT PAIR

Alcindoro: I think we should see other people. Mostly because you're a sociopath.

[Alcindoro leaves.]

Marcello: Maybe it's the foot fetish talking, but I am so hot for you right now.

Musetta: Shut up and put on this ball-gag, bitch.

Marcello: I thought you'd never ask.

[Schaunard and Colline come up for air long enough to notice that the waiter has delivered their bill.]

Schaunard: Well, fuck. This is super expensive.

Rodolfo: I barely ate anything. Can Mimi and I be on a separate check?

Colline: Oh, come on. Let's just split it evenly.

Rodolfo: I don't want to pay for your giant salami, you asshole. You wouldn't even share!

Schaunard: I've got your giant salami riiiiiiiight here.

Everyone: SHUT UP, SCHAUNARD

Schaunard: Fuck you guys. Oh, and can somebody spot me for dinner? All that cash I had in Act I has mysteriously disappeared.

Mimi: So, wait. Is the tip included, or should we leave something on the table?

Colline: I still don't understand why we can't just divide it five ways.

Rodolfo: Because you ate twice as much as everyone else!

Musetta: EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS WE CAN JUST PUT YOUR FOOD ON ALCINDORO'S TAB

Marcello: That's my girl!

Musetta: Did I say you were allowed to talk?

The Chorus: OH HEY THERE'S A PARADE OR SOMETHING

Everyone: LOVE IS WONDERFUL AND NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN TO US AGAIN

The Audience: [facepalm]

[End of Act II.]

Next installment: Act III