Sunday, June 24, 2012

Operagasm: La Bohème, Act I

Act I: A shitty attic in the shittiest part of Paris. Christmas Eve.

Marcello: I'M A FUCKING TERRIBLE PAINTER

Rodolfo: I'M A FUCKING TERRIBLE WRITER

Both: Boy, it sure sucks to be poor, freezing, and starving.

The Audience: THEN GET A GODDAMN JOB

Marcello: Whatever. We're not that desperate.

Rodolfo: Hey, soooo it's the middle of winter and we have no more fuel for our stove. Do you think this might be a problem?

Marcello: Definitely. It's colder in here than in that bitch Musetta's heart.

Rodolfo: Solid exposition, bro.

Marcello: Totes. Bros before hoes?

Rodolfo: You know it. But seriously, though, we might freeze to death.

Marcello: LET'S SET THE CHAIR ON FIRE

Rodolfo: You're a moron. Our art will keep us warm!

The Audience: grumble grumble hipsters grumble grumble

Marcello: LET'S SET MY PAINTING ON FIRE

Rodolfo: No, that would make too much smoke. After all, few things are more important than a healthy respiratory system. Let's burn my play instead!

Marcello: You mean the play you've been working on non-stop for the past six months?

Rodolfo: Yuuuuup.

Marcello: And you want to throw all of that away for a few minutes of warmth?

Rodolfo: I fail to see the problem.

The Audience: Aaaaaand this is why you're broke, jackasses.

[Marcello and Rodolfo feed the play into the stove. Enter Colline, a pretentious philosopher with an admittedly kickass coat.]

Colline: Verily, it's cold as balls in here.

Rodolfo: Fuck yourself.

[Colline joins the others at the fire, which quickly burns out. Marcello and Rodolfo consider slitting Colline open like a tauntaun and huddling inside his carcass for warmth. Enter Schaunard with food, booze, firewood, and money; he's the musician of the group, so of course he's the most successful.]

The Musicians in the Audience: HA HA OH YEAH THAT'S DEFINITELY HOW THE WORLD WORKS

Everyone Else: Isn't he the drag queen in Rent?

Schaunard: Oh man you guys so this old British asshole hired me to play for him until this other guy's parrot died so then I played for a while and then I was all like "fuck this" and I broke into the parrot guy's apartment and banged the chambermaid because I'm TOTALLY NOT GAY and then I murdered the parrot and the British guy paid me and it was LEGEN -- wait for it --

Marcello: Cool story, bro.

Rodolfo: Yeah, it's riveting. Pass the turkey?

Colline: om nom nom nom nom

Schaunard: -- DARY. LEGENDARY.

Crickets: chirp chirp

Schaunard: Oh, you can all go to hell. And stop eating all my food!

No One: [pays any attention to Schaunard]

Schaunard: But guuuuuuuys, it's Christmas Eeeeeeeve and I wanna go oooouuut

Marcello: Fine, we'll go out, but only if you SHUT UP.

Schaunard: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

[There's a knock on the door.]

Benoit: Sooooo hey, you guys, you haven't paid any rent in several months and it's beginning to piss me off.

Colline: NO ONE'S HOME

Benoit: Yeah that's not actually gonna work.

Marcello: ALSO WE HAVE LOCKED THE DOOR

Benoit: I have a spare key and can let myself into your apartment literally any time I want. You guys really haven't thought this through, have you.

Marcello: ...fuck.

[They let him in.]

Benoit: But seriously, give me my fucking money before I'm forced to cut you in the face like a Cockney whore.

Marcello: Hey, man, be cool. Captain ADHD over there just got paid --

Schaunard: Rude.

Marcello: -- so we've got all the money we owe you right here. Care for a drink?

Benoit: Don't mind if I do!

[Sixteen measures later:]

Benoit: HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I'M SO DRUNK

Marcello: Sooooooo is there any incriminating personal information you'd like to share with us?

Benoit: Well, now that you mention it, I love me some fat chicks.

Rodolfo: Go on...

Benoit: Yeah, they're dynamite in the sack because they have no self-respect. Skinny bitches be trippin' balls, though. Like my wife!

Everyone: SOMETHING SOMETHING MORAL OUTRAGE

Benoit: Wait, what?

Everyone: GTFO

Benoit: But I thought we were broooooooooos

[They throw him the hell out.]

Marcello: So now that we've blackmailed our landlord, we never have to pay rent again!

Everyone: WOOOOOO

The Audience: [starts considering blackmail as as a viable solution to financial problems]

Schaunard: Now let's go get hammered!

Rodolfo: You guys go ahead; I have to finish an article for some newsletter you've never heard of.

Marcello: Sure you do. There's lotion and Kleenex in the cabinet; don't take too long.

Rodolfo: I hate you so much.

[Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline leave the apartment and promptly fall down the stairs.]

Rodolfo: KARMA, BITCHES

Colline: ...my spleen...

[There's yet another knock at the door.]

Rodolfo: Oh, for fuck's sake. Who is it now?

Mimi: Hey, it's your hot and totally single downstairs neighbor. My candle just went out -- got a light?

Rodolfo: You only have one candle? And no matches?

Mimi: You don't understand how this whole "flirting" thing works, do you.

Rodolfo: Nnnnnnnope.

The Audience: [facepalm]

Mimi: [falls over]

Rodolfo: OH NO ARE YOU OKAY

Mimi: Yeah, I'm just tired out from the stairs. There's nothing wrong with my health, though. Nothing at all.

Puccini: DID YOU GUYS GET MY FORESHADOWING

99% of the Audience: YES WE GET IT SHUT UP

The Other 1%: I think those two crazy kids are gonna be alllll right!

Rodolfo: So I lit your candle and stuff. Why are you still here?

Mimi: Jesus Christ, I have to do everything myself. OH NO I DROPPED MY KEY AND IT WAS TOTALLY AN ACCIDENT

Rodolfo: Oh no!

Mimi: AND MY CANDLE HAS GONE OUT AGAIN

Rodolfo: [finally realizes what's going on] Ohhhhhhhhh.

The Audience: Christ, you're a moron.

Rodolfo: AND NOW MY CANDLE HAS ALSO GONE OUT

Mimi: WE'RE ALONE IN THE DARK TOGETHER

Rodolfo: WHATEVER SHALL WE DO

The Audience: OH JUST BONE ALREADY

Rodolfo: Oh hey, your hand is super cold. I know just how to warm you up: an aria!

Mimi: Oh joy.

Rodolfo: I'm a poet and I'm broke as fuck
But if I had a million dollars
I'd buy your loooove
'Cause hey baby you so fine
You so fine you blow my mind
And when I get that feelin'
I want sexual healin'
Oh and by the way, what's your name?

Mimi: Wellllll my name's Lucia but everyone calls me Mimi because why the fuck not. Mostly I just sit alone in my apartment and wish I had a studly poet to have sex with. And also I embroider flowers sometimes and CAN WE MAKE OUT YET

Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline: [outside in the street] NNNNOPE

Mimi: ...goddammit.

Marcello: COME ON RODOLFO AREN'T YOU DONE JERKING IT YET

Rodolfo: SHUT UP GUYS I HAVE A LADY OVER

Schaunard: BLOW-UP DOLLS DON'T COUNT

Rodolfo: WILL YOU ASSHOLES GO AWAY AND STOP COCKBLOCKING ME

Marcello, Schaunard, and Colline: Fiiiiiiine.

[They leave.]

Rodolfo: So, where were we?

Mimi: Wellllll I've been throwing myself at you for the past ten minutes, but now I think I'm just gonna be super coy.

Rodolfo: But I wanna get laaaaaaaid

Mimi: Nope. We're gonna go out with your friends instead.

Rodolfo: And then we can make the sex when we get back?

Mimi: Yeah sure whatever.

Rodolfo: Say you love me!

The Audience: Whoa there, crazy. Slow your roll.

Mimi: I love you SO MUCH

The Audience: Wait, what? Did he just hypnotize her or something?

Rodolfo and Mimi: WE WILL LOVE EACH OTHER FOREVER

The Audience: YOU'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE

[End of Act I.]

Next installment: Act II