Just to start things off, I have to say that I'm really, truly, completely sick of the current debates that are raging in the public sphere about birth control and abortion, because the answers to many of the specific problems are really simple:
First: You cannot force organizations that are linked to the Catholic Church to cover birth control in their insurance because it's blatantly unconstitutional to do so. There are other sources of affordable birth control for the people in question, and the administration needs to back the fuck down and make an exception before this turns into a painfully open-and-shut Supreme Court case about religious liberty.
Second: You cannot force women who are considering abortions to be penetrated against their will. As someone with pro-life leanings, I can understand the desire to convince people that there are other options besides abortion, but this... Absolutely not. Two rapes don't make a right. The problem with a lot of people in the anti-abortion movement (keep in mind that anti-abortion ≠ pro-life) is that they're so utterly convinced of their own moral superiority that they'll pull fucked up shit like this and expect people to be okay with it because abortion is the ONE AND ONLY POLITICAL ISSUE THAT CATHOLICS ARE ALLOWED TO CARE ABOUT. Well, that and gay marriage, because fuck those guys.
Third: If there's a big hearing about birth control taking place on Capitol Hill, maybe you should let some women speak. I mean, if women have already been allowed to vote, own property, and hold public office, who knows? They might actually be capable of speaking about issues that directly concern them.
There. That wasn't so hard, was it?
See, I don't need House subcommittees or holier-than-thou douchebags to blather on and on about sex and contraceptives and all that stuff, because I already have someone in my life who has made me positive that I'm not remotely ready to have kids:
His name is Sox, and he's an asshole.
For those of you who don't know, Sox is my ladyfriend's cat – and no, he's not named after the article of clothing or a baseball team of the Red or White persuasion; his name is an acronym for Shreveport Opera eXpress.
(The ladyfriend is also an opera singer, in case you couldn't tell.)
Now, I usually consider myself to be a cat person – which is to say that I like cats, not that I'm some sort of furry or freakish Japanese cat-human hybrid. I have nothing in particular against dogs, but I've always thought that cats are great: they're soft and furry, they're usually pretty self-reliant, and they're also the ninjas of the animal kingdom. They can jump hella high, have retractable claws, and stalk their prey like silent, deadly shadows. In short, they're awesome.
Of course, cats are rarely that cool in real life. The ladyfriend has commented on multiple occasions that owning a cat (or at least this particular cat) is like raising a small child, except that Sox will never grow up and go to college and become a useful member of society (but let's face it: neither do a lot of other children). I guess that makes me something like a stepfather, but I don't entirely know how comfortable I am with that idea. I love the little bastard to death – especially when he's sitting on my shoulder and purring up a storm – but given how much this cat can piss me off sometimes, I'm not entirely sure that I wouldn't treat an actual tiny human like James Bond treats his martinis: shaken, not stirred.
My general conclusion is that until I can go an entire week without threatening to sell Sox to a Chinese restaurant, I'm not ready to be a parent. Cats and babies can be a bit like Gremlins: they start off all nice and cute, but things can turn ugly at the drop of a hat. Let's see how they do when facing off against each other:
CHILDREN versus SOX
Food!
Children: Spoon-feeding. Making them eat vegetables. Getting them in and out of high chairs.
Sox: Open a can or spoon some chow into a dish.
Advantage: SOX
Waste!
Children: Years of changing diapers before they're potty trained.
Sox: Already housebroken. Uses a litter box.
Advantage: SOX
Play Time!
Children: Peek-a-boo. Puzzles. Blocks.
Sox: Stuffed mice. Occasional unprovoked maulings.
Advantage: CHILDREN
Bath Time!
Children: Depends on the child. Rubber ducks and other bath toys.
Sox: Hates water. Constant attempts to escape. Lots of howling.
Advantage: CHILDREN
Bedtime!
Children: Will wake up shrieking in the middle of the night. When they get a bit older, they'll climb in bed with you whenever they have nightmares.
Sox: Meows really loudly all night long. Purposely drops his stuffed mice between the pillows and bats at them until someone wakes up and physically throws him out of bed.
Advantage: EVERYONE LOSES.
Final Outcome: DRAW
I'm sure there will come a day when I grow up and embrace the joys of fatherhood... but until then, I'm going to keep shouting profanity at this cat.
Showing posts with label condoms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label condoms. Show all posts
Monday, February 20, 2012
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Triumvirate of Snark
You know how people say that good things come in threes? Well, they generally don't. People also say that they have free candy in the back of their unmarked, windowless vans, and that's generally not true either. The moral of the story is, you shouldn't listen to people when they talk because they're probably just lying, and also waiting for the moment when they can kidnap you and sell you into a life of WHITE SLAVERY.
But! Today happens to be one of those days where good things actually do come in threes. For behold: today, I wage a three-pronged snark war on current events that haven't been current for like a week and a half but I don't care so shut up because it's gonna be awesome. If this post were a rare item in World of Warcraft, it would be a legendary Trident of Vitriol, forged from bile, dry wit, and copious amounts of profanity. (No, really, this is probably a little more offensive than usual posts. Consider yourselves warned.)
Boom. Consider your minds blown.
Item the First: Stephen King has perplexing taste in movies.
We really shouldn't be surprised about this. I mean, the man has gone on record saying that he knows nothing about movies--and, as if that weren't enough proof, his list of the Top Ten Films of 2010 includes Jackass 3D. (Some of his choices for previous years include 2012 and the Jason Statham version of Death Race.) So yeah, "jackass" sounds about right. Anyway, his list is as follows, with my thoughts:
10. Green Zone: Supposed to be a taut, politically relevant thriller about the war in Iraq. Didn't bother to see it; it looked humorless and self-righteous. From everything I heard, it was.
9. Jackass 3D: Really, Stephen King? Really?
8. Monsters: Supposed to be the next District 9. It's apparently not.
7. Splice: Two scientists that have sex with each other create a partially human gender-confused hybrid creature and raise it as their child. And then they both have sex with it. Squick.
6. Kick-Ass: a.k.a. "Watchmen: The Early Years." Violent and ridiculous and pretty entertaining. There's a brainwashed 12-year-old girl that brutally murders just about everyone she meets, but for some reason, people are most offended by the fact that she says "cunt." Priorities, people. Get them in order.
5. Takers: A heist movie for black people. Because movies about white people stealing shit just aren't gangsta enough. Don't even get me started.
4. The Social Network: "Mark Zuckerberg Is A Douche: The Movie"
3. Inception: An ambitious but flawed movie, but regardless of your feelings about it, we can all agree on one thing: Christopher Nolan now has more money than God.
2. The Town: Boston accents and brutal violence seem to go hand-in-hand for some reason. I wonder what that says about people from Boston.
1. Let Me In: Good movie, but definitely not the best of the year. Hit Girl from Kick-Ass stars as a child vampire who murders and/or dismembers at least seven people over the course of the movie and drinks their blood as it steams in the winter air--but she doesn't say "cunt" this time, so it's perfectly socially acceptable.
Item the Second: Benedict XVI extends the hand of friendship to male prostitutes!
This is important, guys. Pope Benedict recently stated in an interview that in a world full of hunger, genocide, and disease, maaaaaaaaybe condoms aren't actually the worst thing ever to happen to mankind EVER. But of course, they're still awful and sinful and there are only a few very limited circumstances in which condom use is acceptable. The only real example he gave of such a circumstance was this: if you're a male prostitute in Africa, then using a condom is probably a good alternative to giving your customers AIDS.
That sound you hear (or rather, that sound you heard a week and a half ago when this story was current) is all the male prostitutes in Africa breathing a sigh of relief--because if anyone cares what the church has to say about The Secks, it's them. As for the rest of the world, condoms are still strictly off-limits, as are unorthodox sexual positions and enjoyment of sex in any way. The Secks is for MAKING BABIES and NOTHING ELSE. After all, who better to trust on matters of human sexuality than a worldwide organization of middle-aged-to-elderly male virgins?
Item the Third: John McCain is (still) a homophobic douche.
So this link is pretty current, but this is nothing new at all. Senator McCain stated a while back that he would be open to the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" under the correct circumstances--namely, if the proper surveys and studies were undertaken to determine the impact of repealing DADT--but has since become a much more vocal opponent of repeal. And hey, now these studies have been performed, and they say that two-thirds of the troops interviewed did not believe there would be significant problems if gays were allowed to serve openly.
So, yeah, McCain is going to stay true to his word and not oppose the repeal now, right? Because only a total asshole would keep supporting a policy that blatantly violates the civil rights of the American gay community, especially now that the studies he requested have been performed.
Yep. A total asshole indeed.
McCain continues to predict that letting gay troops serve openly would cause a mass exodus from the armed forces. Well, you know what? If any bigoted fucks decide that they don't want to serve their country because gays are allowed, then I say good fucking riddance. They aren't the sort of people I want representing our country overseas, because they only serve to reinforce the stereotype that all Americans are ignorant, violent cowboys who hate anyone who doesn't listen to country music and love Jesus in a totally hetero way.
News flash, assholes: there are already gays in the military. They're everywhere. They're sleeping in your barracks; they're next to you in your foxholes; they're fighting for freedom and truth and justice and the American way and all that happy shit. And you know what? They're actually more concerned about the mission than about taking your rectal virginity, so you can calm the fuck down.
And people wonder why I'm a misanthrope. Jesus.
[Also, I'm aware that the word "triumvirate" refers to a group of three people, not things. If you're still thinking about that after reading this entire post, you should find something else to do with your stupendous intellect instead of wasting your time reading this crap. Woooooo]
But! Today happens to be one of those days where good things actually do come in threes. For behold: today, I wage a three-pronged snark war on current events that haven't been current for like a week and a half but I don't care so shut up because it's gonna be awesome. If this post were a rare item in World of Warcraft, it would be a legendary Trident of Vitriol, forged from bile, dry wit, and copious amounts of profanity. (No, really, this is probably a little more offensive than usual posts. Consider yourselves warned.)
Boom. Consider your minds blown.
Item the First: Stephen King has perplexing taste in movies.
We really shouldn't be surprised about this. I mean, the man has gone on record saying that he knows nothing about movies--and, as if that weren't enough proof, his list of the Top Ten Films of 2010 includes Jackass 3D. (Some of his choices for previous years include 2012 and the Jason Statham version of Death Race.) So yeah, "jackass" sounds about right. Anyway, his list is as follows, with my thoughts:
10. Green Zone: Supposed to be a taut, politically relevant thriller about the war in Iraq. Didn't bother to see it; it looked humorless and self-righteous. From everything I heard, it was.
9. Jackass 3D: Really, Stephen King? Really?
8. Monsters: Supposed to be the next District 9. It's apparently not.
7. Splice: Two scientists that have sex with each other create a partially human gender-confused hybrid creature and raise it as their child. And then they both have sex with it. Squick.
6. Kick-Ass: a.k.a. "Watchmen: The Early Years." Violent and ridiculous and pretty entertaining. There's a brainwashed 12-year-old girl that brutally murders just about everyone she meets, but for some reason, people are most offended by the fact that she says "cunt." Priorities, people. Get them in order.
5. Takers: A heist movie for black people. Because movies about white people stealing shit just aren't gangsta enough. Don't even get me started.
4. The Social Network: "Mark Zuckerberg Is A Douche: The Movie"
3. Inception: An ambitious but flawed movie, but regardless of your feelings about it, we can all agree on one thing: Christopher Nolan now has more money than God.
2. The Town: Boston accents and brutal violence seem to go hand-in-hand for some reason. I wonder what that says about people from Boston.
1. Let Me In: Good movie, but definitely not the best of the year. Hit Girl from Kick-Ass stars as a child vampire who murders and/or dismembers at least seven people over the course of the movie and drinks their blood as it steams in the winter air--but she doesn't say "cunt" this time, so it's perfectly socially acceptable.
Item the Second: Benedict XVI extends the hand of friendship to male prostitutes!
This is important, guys. Pope Benedict recently stated in an interview that in a world full of hunger, genocide, and disease, maaaaaaaaybe condoms aren't actually the worst thing ever to happen to mankind EVER. But of course, they're still awful and sinful and there are only a few very limited circumstances in which condom use is acceptable. The only real example he gave of such a circumstance was this: if you're a male prostitute in Africa, then using a condom is probably a good alternative to giving your customers AIDS.
That sound you hear (or rather, that sound you heard a week and a half ago when this story was current) is all the male prostitutes in Africa breathing a sigh of relief--because if anyone cares what the church has to say about The Secks, it's them. As for the rest of the world, condoms are still strictly off-limits, as are unorthodox sexual positions and enjoyment of sex in any way. The Secks is for MAKING BABIES and NOTHING ELSE. After all, who better to trust on matters of human sexuality than a worldwide organization of middle-aged-to-elderly male virgins?
Item the Third: John McCain is (still) a homophobic douche.
So this link is pretty current, but this is nothing new at all. Senator McCain stated a while back that he would be open to the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" under the correct circumstances--namely, if the proper surveys and studies were undertaken to determine the impact of repealing DADT--but has since become a much more vocal opponent of repeal. And hey, now these studies have been performed, and they say that two-thirds of the troops interviewed did not believe there would be significant problems if gays were allowed to serve openly.
So, yeah, McCain is going to stay true to his word and not oppose the repeal now, right? Because only a total asshole would keep supporting a policy that blatantly violates the civil rights of the American gay community, especially now that the studies he requested have been performed.
Yep. A total asshole indeed.
McCain continues to predict that letting gay troops serve openly would cause a mass exodus from the armed forces. Well, you know what? If any bigoted fucks decide that they don't want to serve their country because gays are allowed, then I say good fucking riddance. They aren't the sort of people I want representing our country overseas, because they only serve to reinforce the stereotype that all Americans are ignorant, violent cowboys who hate anyone who doesn't listen to country music and love Jesus in a totally hetero way.
News flash, assholes: there are already gays in the military. They're everywhere. They're sleeping in your barracks; they're next to you in your foxholes; they're fighting for freedom and truth and justice and the American way and all that happy shit. And you know what? They're actually more concerned about the mission than about taking your rectal virginity, so you can calm the fuck down.
And people wonder why I'm a misanthrope. Jesus.
[Also, I'm aware that the word "triumvirate" refers to a group of three people, not things. If you're still thinking about that after reading this entire post, you should find something else to do with your stupendous intellect instead of wasting your time reading this crap. Woooooo]
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