The Joys of Feline Parenthood

Just to start things off, I have to say that I'm really, truly, completely sick of the current debates that are raging in the public sphere about birth control and abortion, because the answers to many of the specific problems are really simple:

First: You cannot force organizations that are linked to the Catholic Church to cover birth control in their insurance because it's blatantly unconstitutional to do so. There are other sources of affordable birth control for the people in question, and the administration needs to back the fuck down and make an exception before this turns into a painfully open-and-shut Supreme Court case about religious liberty.

Second: You cannot force women who are considering abortions to be penetrated against their will. As someone with pro-life leanings, I can understand the desire to convince people that there are other options besides abortion, but this... Absolutely not. Two rapes don't make a right. The problem with a lot of people in the anti-abortion movement (keep in mind that anti-abortion ≠ pro-life) is that they're so utterly convinced of their own moral superiority that they'll pull fucked up shit like this and expect people to be okay with it because abortion is the ONE AND ONLY POLITICAL ISSUE THAT CATHOLICS ARE ALLOWED TO CARE ABOUT. Well, that and gay marriage, because fuck those guys.

Third: If there's a big hearing about birth control taking place on Capitol Hill, maybe you should let some women speak. I mean, if women have already been allowed to vote, own property, and hold public office, who knows? They might actually be capable of speaking about issues that directly concern them.

There. That wasn't so hard, was it?

See, I don't need House subcommittees or holier-than-thou douchebags to blather on and on about sex and contraceptives and all that stuff, because I already have someone in my life who has made me positive that I'm not remotely ready to have kids:

His name is Sox, and he's an asshole.

For those of you who don't know, Sox is my ladyfriend's cat – and no, he's not named after the article of clothing or a baseball team of the Red or White persuasion; his name is an acronym for Shreveport Opera eXpress.

(The ladyfriend is also an opera singer, in case you couldn't tell.)

Now, I usually consider myself to be a cat person – which is to say that I like cats, not that I'm some sort of furry or freakish Japanese cat-human hybrid. I have nothing in particular against dogs, but I've always thought that cats are great: they're soft and furry, they're usually pretty self-reliant, and they're also the ninjas of the animal kingdom. They can jump hella high, have retractable claws, and stalk their prey like silent, deadly shadows. In short, they're awesome.

Of course, cats are rarely that cool in real life. The ladyfriend has commented on multiple occasions that owning a cat (or at least this particular cat) is like raising a small child, except that Sox will never grow up and go to college and become a useful member of society (but let's face it: neither do a lot of other children). I guess that makes me something like a stepfather, but I don't entirely know how comfortable I am with that idea. I love the little bastard to death – especially when he's sitting on my shoulder and purring up a storm – but given how much this cat can piss me off sometimes, I'm not entirely sure that I wouldn't treat an actual tiny human like James Bond treats his martinis: shaken, not stirred.

My general conclusion is that until I can go an entire week without threatening to sell Sox to a Chinese restaurant, I'm not ready to be a parent. Cats and babies can be a bit like Gremlins: they start off all nice and cute, but things can turn ugly at the drop of a hat. Let's see how they do when facing off against each other:

CHILDREN versus SOX

Food!
Children: Spoon-feeding. Making them eat vegetables. Getting them in and out of high chairs.
Sox: Open a can or spoon some chow into a dish.
Advantage: SOX

Waste!
Children: Years of changing diapers before they're potty trained.
Sox: Already housebroken. Uses a litter box.
Advantage: SOX

Play Time!
Children: Peek-a-boo. Puzzles. Blocks.
Sox: Stuffed mice. Occasional unprovoked maulings.
Advantage: CHILDREN

Bath Time!
Children: Depends on the child. Rubber ducks and other bath toys.
Sox: Hates water. Constant attempts to escape. Lots of howling.
Advantage: CHILDREN

Bedtime!
Children: Will wake up shrieking in the middle of the night. When they get a bit older, they'll climb in bed with you whenever they have nightmares.
Sox: Meows really loudly all night long. Purposely drops his stuffed mice between the pillows and bats at them until someone wakes up and physically throws him out of bed.
Advantage: EVERYONE LOSES.

Final Outcome: DRAW

I'm sure there will come a day when I grow up and embrace the joys of fatherhood... but until then, I'm going to keep shouting profanity at this cat.