Operagasm: Lucia di Lammermoor

Lucia di Lammermoor is an opera by Gaetano Donizetti, based on the novel The Bride of Lammermoor by Sir Walter Scott – presumably because something like Ivanhoe would have actually been exciting and would therefore have been a terrible opera.

Now, I'm not saying that Lucia is the most boring opera ever, because there's plenty of competition for that dubious honor (my money's on Tristan und Isolde, personally); I'm just saying that the opera seems to consciously avoid excitement like white people avoid Harlem. The opera is set in Scotland, but there's nary a kilt or claymore in sight. There are constant threats of violence, but nothing ever really comes of it: all the opera boasts in terms of action is an offstage murder (which hardly counts) and an onstage suicide because the tenor is a whiny bitch. Nevertheless, Lucia remains one of the most famous works in the standard operatic repertoire, mostly because of the titular heroine's insanely virtuosic music.

The opera centers (as so many operas do) around two star-crossed lovers: Lucia (Lucy Ashton) and Edgardo (Edgar Ravenswood). Although Edgardo is the mortal enemy of Enrico (Henry Ashton, Lucia's brother), he and Lucia are madly in love – which is to say that they're horrifyingly codependent and will literally go insane if anything goes wrong in their relationship.

(Spoiler alert: It does!)

The reason for their creepily dysfunctional brand of love is that opera is one of the most emotionally heightened forms of theater – and since the characters in Lucia aren't exactly lining up to engage in brutal Scottish-style single combat, there has to be something that makes this opera remotely interesting. No one wants to watch three hours of Lucia and Edgardo snuggling on the couch while sipping hot cocoa and watching season two of Downton Abbey, because happiness and stability are boring. Stories need conflict, and if you don't have sword-fights or guns or explosions (or all of the above) then you'd better at least have some emotional instability. This is why happy couples are almost never the main focus of operas, movies, books, etc. When they appear, they're usually A) not the main characters, B) not a couple until the end of the story (e.g. the "happily ever after" ending), or C) present at the very beginning of the story, only for one of them to be brutally murdered and fuel the other's Roaring Rampage of Revenge. (Option C also gets bonus points if the happy couple in question has adorable children.) But until Marvel Studios makes the Punisher into an opera (Il Punitore, ossia La Vendetta di Franco Castello), audiences will have to content themselves with emotionally unstable jackasses who commit suicide at the drop of a hat.

Edgardo: THE BARISTA GAVE ME ONE PERCENT IN MY LATTE INSTEAD OF SKIM; MY LIFE IS NO LONGER WORTH LIVING

The Three Spirits: Oh, fuck this. You're on your own.

Soooo yeah. To make a long story very short: Lucia and Edgardo want to get married, but Enrico forces Lucia to marry Arturo (Arthur Bucklaw, a wealthy nobleman) instead.

The Chorus: WOOO WE LOVE WEDDINGS

Arturo: Thanks for letting me bone your sister, bro.

Enrico: Oh yeah, no problem. So did you bring the money?

The Audience: Is... is he pimping out his sister?

The answer is yes. Yes he is. (Enrico also gets bonus points if his costume includes a wide-brimmed hat with a feather.)

Lucia: Hey, Enrico – can I maybe skip the whole “marrying someone I've never met and don't love” thing?

Enrico: Nnnnnope.

Arturo: Hey, baby. Come here often?

Lucia: I live here.

Arturo: Awwwwww yeah. I bet you do.

Lucia: What does that even mean?

Enrico: Lucia, you're my sister and I love you – but if you don't stop being such a goddamn wet blanket, I will not hesitate to pimp-slap you.

So Arturo and Lucia sign the marriage contract and everyone's happy except Lucia, because she's super-selfish and would rather marry the man she loves than some random rich guy who has the money and influence to make the Ashton family powerful again.

Enrico: What a bitch.

But suddenly, there's a commotion outside!

Edgardo: IT IS I, EDGARDO

The Chorus: OH SHIT IT'S EDGARDO

The Audience: YES THANK YOU WE ALREADY KNOW WHO YOU ARE

Now, this was pretty poor planning on Edgardo's part. Pretty much everyone in that room wants him dead, but instead of being subtle or conciliatory, he decides to rush in while waving a sword and shouting his own name like some sort of Scottish Leeroy Jenkins.

The Audience: It's like he's got a death wish or something.

Edgardo: Funny you should mention that...

And then everyone sings about their feelings for a couple minutes.

Enrico: So that was a great sextet and all, but seriously GTFO.

Edgardo: MAKE ME

Enrico: 'kay. [draws his sword]

All the Men in the Room: [draw their swords]

Edgardo's Backup: [somewhere else] I think we're at the wrong castle.

Edgardo: … fuuuuuck.

Things look pretty bleak for Edgardo, but Raimondo (the priest) chooses that moment to step in and yell at everyone to lower their weapons.

Raimondo: EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS

The Audience: DAMMIT things were just getting interesting.

This is where an intelligent person, realizing what a dangerous position he's put himself in, would either get the hell outta Dodge or start being polite. Edgardo, however, is not an intelligent person:

Edgardo: WHAT THE HELL LUCIA WHY WOULD YOU MARRY SOMEONE ELSE

Lucia: Hey, remember that time when women had equal rights in society and they could marry whomever they wanted and their lives weren't controlled by their closest living male relative?

Edgardo: Not really, no.

Lucia: Me neither, so fuck off.

And then Edgardo starts shouting about how Lucia is a bitch who betrayed his love and heaven itself, even though none of this is really Lucia's fault. This goes on until everyone has finally had enough of Edgardo's shit and they chase him out at swordpoint.

Then there's an intermission!

Act III opens with the chorus having a party and remaining undaunted by what must have been the most uncomfortable wedding ceremony ever.

The Chorus: This is awesome! Nothing will ever go wrong for our family again!

Raimondo: Soooooo this is kinda awkward, but Lucia just went crazy and stabbed Arturo to death.

The Chorus: GODDAMMIT

And then Lucia stumbles on in her wedding dress, wielding a dagger and covered in blood. It never ceases to disappoint me that her complete mental breakdown and the subsequent murder of her new husband occur offstage, because it seems like such a wasted opportunity for some amazing operatic badassery. It's kinda like watching Black Swan but fast-forwarding through all the parts where Natalie Portman isn't dancing: what you see is pretty cool, but you're still missing all the best parts.

Lucia: … and then he ran into my knife! He ran into my knife ten times.

The Chorus: Holy shit, that's a lot of blood.

Lucia: Yeah, I kinda rolled around in it. Also, HOLY SHIT DO YOU GUYS SEE THAT GHOST OVER THERE

Raimondo: Did I mention she's crazy now?

The Audience: Hey, isn't that the song from The Fifth Element?

Lucia: Not exactly.

And then she rambles for about ten minutes while everyone just stands there and watches.

The Audience: So... no one's going to do anything? Anything at all?

The Chorus: Nah, her crazy might be contagious. Also, this is pretty entertaining.

Finally, Enrico arrives.

Enrico: THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

The best part of this scene is that no one gave a shit when she was being forced to marry against her will, but now everyone starts feeling sorry for her even though she just murdered someone. The chorus tells Enrico to back off and stop being so mean, and then promptly goes back to standing around and making absolutely no effort to do anything.

Lucia: woooooo ahblablablawoogaboogaboo

The Chorus: [eats popcorn]

And then she dies or something, because going batshit insane is detrimental to your health. Personally, I like to think she contracted syphilis from Edgardo a while back – in part because it explains both the insanity and the death, but mostly because it's funny.

The Audience: Did she just go crazy and fall down?

The Chorus: [still eating popcorn]

Scene change to a graveyard! Edgardo is busy being emo as fuck when a bunch of mourners enter with Raimondo.

The Chorus: WE ARE SO SAD

Edgardo: … the fuck?

The Chorus: LUCIA IS DEAD OR SOMETHING

Edgardo: OH NOOOO I TOTALLY LOVED HER EVEN THOUGH I SAID THAT SHE WAS A HEARTLESS BITCH AND I WISHED I HAD NEVER MET HER

Raimondo: Yeah, you were kind of a dick. And then she went crazy and murdered Arturo.

Edgardo: Aww, that's so sweet. I knew she still loved me!

And then he stabs himself so the two of them can be reunited in heaven. It's supposed to be romantic or something, but mostly it's just fucking stupid – and since Lucia is dead and everyone else hates him, there's no one to mourn his death.

Yay for happy endings!

[Curtain.]