Sarastro: Yeah, the whole reason I kidnapped Pamina was so she could get married to Tamino, and then he can take over as high priest once I'm dead. This is all for the greater good.
First Priest: So basically you're marrying this girl, over whom you have no legal authority, to a guy you've just met.
Sarastro: Yuuup.
The Speaker: And you're also planning to make this guy, whom – to reiterate – you've never met before in your life, the head of our sacred order. Instead of, you know... someone who's actually a member already.
Sarastro: Well when you put it that way, it sounds irresponsible.
The Speaker: Little bit.
Sarastro: Relax, guys. Tamino has to undergo a bunch of trials and shit to make sure he's worthy.
First Priest: Well, I guess that makes a little more sense.
Second Priest: Okay. So where does the bird-man fit into your plan?
Sarastro: He doesn't.
Second Priest: So why are we making him go through the trials as well?
Sarastro: …. For the hell of it?
The Audience: Wow, this guy's kind of a dick.
Sarastro then goes on to explain that Tamino and Papageno might not actually survive their ordeals, but if they die then it's cool because they'll both get to experience the joys of the afterlife.
The Audience: Uh...
Needless to say, there's something that feels a little... not quite right about Sarastro and his happy-go-lucky sun-worshiping followers. I mean, this is a secretive mystical organization centered around a single all-important individual who: A) owns slaves, B) is clearly willing to torture said slaves at the drop of a hat, C) subjects new followers to dangerous trials, D) says it's no big deal if people die because they'll be granted eternal happiness, or E) all of the above.
If you picked E, congratulations – you can recognize a cult when you see one! This makes you smarter than both of the protagonists.
Now, I suppose that this is where I should mention that Sarastro and his order are meant to represent the Freemasons and that this entire opera is full of Masonic symbolism and whatnot. The problem is, most people nowadays don't know much about the Masons except that they're the people who hid a bunch of Templar treasure for Nicolas Cage to find. Let's face it: the Freemasons stopped being remotely relevant to anyone but conspiracy theorists a long time ago, so I'm going to go with a more current parallel.
Just for fun, let's say that “Sarastro” is just a nickname – and that his full name is actually L. Sarastron Hubbard.
Now replace Tamino and Pamina with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
The Audience: Holy shit everything makes sense now.
Yeah. So, with that in mind, let's move on.
The Speaker and the Priests lead Tamino and Papageno into the chamber and ask them if they're willing to risk death to achieve wisdom.
Tamino: Totally! I'm all about seeking wisdom, despite the fact that I've been nothing but a useless jackass this entire time and I've been thinking with my penis hormones instead of with my brain.
Priests: Awesome. And you?
Papageno: Hell no. Fuck this noise; I'm outta here.
Priests: But wait, there's more! If you undergo our trials in the next twenty minutes, we'll throw in a hot piece of barely-legal ass for free!
Papageno: DID SOMEONE SAY KNOWLEDGE I LOVE KNOWLEDGE
And then it turns out that the entirety of their “ordeal” consists of being silent, which is really fucking stupid because this is an opera and no one ever shuts up. To be more precise, actually, they only have to be silent around women because women are treacherous bitches. Under normal circumstances this would hardly be an ordeal at all; Sarastro and the priests have made their views on women pretty clear already and the temple is a bit of a sausage-fest as a result – but today must be the temple's annual wet t-shirt contest or something because double-X chromosomes just keep crawling out of the woodwork. The Priests make sure to remind Papageno and Tamino that breaking their silence will result in “death and despair” – that's the literal translation, by the way – before leaving.
Then the Three Ladies show up and are all like “What the hell, guys, I thought we were friends” and of course Papageno starts talking to them because he's an idiot.
The Audience: So... is he gonna die now, or what?
The Schikanator: Nah.
The Audience: So what was the point of all those warnings?
The Schikanator: ….…
The Audience: [facepalm]
Tamino talks too, but I guess it's okay because he's just speaking aloud and not directly conversing with the Ladies.
Papageno: Hey, these chicks are really freaking me out with all their talk of damnation and stuff.
Tamino: Be strong, Papageno. Keep repeating what the Priests told you.
Papageno: [sighing] “Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks.”
Tamino: That's the spirit!
Men in the Audience: Man, this opera is hilarious.
Women in the Audience: Ahahahaha yeah it's great and also you're sleeping on the couch tonight.
Then there's some thunder and lightning and the Ladies are scared off and Papageno faints because he is – as previously established – a pretty big pussy. The Priests come in and congratulate the pair for their fortitude, which is kinda weird because they were talking pretty much the entire time. That being said, it's probably for the best that nobody takes the whole “silence” thing too seriously – 18th century Viennese audiences probably wouldn't have reacted favorably to getting the John Cage treatment.
Anyway, there's a scene change: we're on Monostatos Standard Time now, and it's rape o'clock! (Not to be confused with “rape a clock” because that would be painful and OH GOD THE COGS and needless to say I'm not gonna be allowed back in that store any time soon.)
What was I saying?
Oh, right. Soooo Monostatos is climbin' in your windows and watchin' your princess sleep. He's a bit pissed off about being tortured, but maybe it'll all feel better if he gets to mack on Pamina while she's unconscious.
The Audience: That seems to be a recurring theme in this opera.
Monostatos: It's not my fault people don't want to get with me! It's 'cause I'm black!
The Audience: No, it's because you're CREEPY AS FUCK.
But just then, the Queen of the Night arrives with a dagger and demands that Pamina use it to murder Sarastro and steal the powerful sun-circle that he wears on his chest.
Pamina: Why don't you just do it yourself? You're the one who hates him, and you can clearly get in and out of the temple with no problem.
Queen of the Night: No, it has to be you. I'd explain, but it's all wibbly-wobbly and... magicky-wagicky.
Pamina: No.
Queen of the Night: Pretty please?
Pamina: NO.
Queen of the Night: PAMINA MARIE OF THE NIGHT IF YOU DO NOT USE THIS KNIFE TO KILL SARASTRO THEN YOU ARE NO LONGER MY DAUGHTER
Pamina: FINE. [pouting] I hate it when you use my full name.
So then Monostatos emerges from his hiding place and reveals that he was listening the entire time. He threatens to tell Sarastro about the murder plot if she doesn't sleep with him, but Pamina is understandably none too eager to do the dirty deed with this ugly-ass sumbitch.
Monostatos: Come on, baby. You know what they say: once you go black, you don't go –
The Audience: DON'T SAY IT
Monostatos: – to prison for conspiracy to commit murder.
The Audience: [breathes a sigh of relief]
Pamina refuses, and Monostatos attempts to stab her – only to have Sarastro show up at the last second and stop him.
Monostatos: Look, man... My bad. We're still bros, right?
Sarastro: Your soul is as black as your face. [Once again, this is the literal translation.]
The Audience: Um... Damn. Das ist upgefuckt.
Sarastro throws Monostatos the hell out and proceeds to sing about how there will be no violence in his holy temple – which is kinda messed up when you remember that he had the other slaves whip the dude's feet about twenty minutes ago, but whatever.
The scene changes and Papageno and Tamino are brought into the next portion of their trials. Apparently the Priests have completely ceased to give a shit about the stringent rules of their order, because the punishment for speaking is no longer death; it's just thunder and lightning instead. (The Schikanator probably realized that there was no way his precious bird-man would survive the opera otherwise.) Anyway, Papageno whines a lot about how he wants something to drink, and this wrinkled old cougar woman appears with some water and starts chatting him up.
Old Woman: Hey, baby. Come here often?
Papageno: Get away from me.
Old Woman: You know, you look an awful lot like my boyfriend. He wears lots of feathers –
Papageno: I don't like where this is going.
Old Woman: – and his name is Papageno –
Papageno: Starting to border on creepy.
Old Woman: – and he's sitting right next to me!
Papageno: Aaaaaand I just threw up in my mouth.
The Old Woman leaves and the Three Spirits show up again – ostensibly to bring Papageno and Tamino their magic instruments and some food, but mostly to remind the audience that they still exist.
The Audience: Whatever. Do you guys want a medal or something?
The Three Spirits: SHUT UP WE ARE TOTALLY IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT
Papageno immediately starts stuffing his face, but Tamino is being all emo and starts playing his flute. Pamina hears the flute from offstage and runs in for her joyous reunion with her dreamy prince, only to find out that both of our intrepid heroes have chosen this exact moment to start following the rules of their sacred trial.
Pamina: WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME
Tamino: …
Papageno: … (om nom nom nom)
The Audience: Oh, for the love of god. You'll talk when the penalty is death, but not now?
Pamina: WOE IS MEEEEE
Pamina runs offstage in tears, and Papageno resumes his incessant chatter as soon as he swallows his food. Three trumpets sound, informing everyone that it's time to move on to the next stage of the trials – the Priests are supposed to escort them personally, but the second act is kinda dragging and they stopped giving a shit a long time ago. Tamino, being dutiful and honorable and all that crap, leaves when he hears the trumpets. Papageno, being a fat bastard, keeps eating until some spectral lions appear and scare the shit out of him.
Papageno: oh man I gotta lay off those 'shrooms
Then there's a chorus –
Chorus: WE'RE EGYPTIAN OR SOMETHING
– and Tamino is brought before Sarastro to bid farewell to Pamina.
Tamino: Soooo you forbade me from speaking to her before, but now we can talk as long as we're only saying goodbye?
Sarastro: Pretty much.
Tamino: Dude... cockblock.
Pamina: TAMIIINOOOO HOLD ME
Tamino: On second thought, I'm cool with not seeing her again.
Sarastro: I know, right?
The scene changes to Papageno, who's lost (again) and crying for Tamino like a little bitch. The Speaker comes out and tells him that he's pathetic, but that the gods have taken pity on him and will grant him a wish. Surprising absolutely no one, Papageno totally misses the point.
Papageno: You know, I could really go for a glass of wine.
The Speaker: Really? That's your one desire in the world? Not that wife you've been wanting? Not even a map so your dumb ass can find a way out of here?
Papageno: I stand by my rash decision!
The Speaker: You're going to regret this later, you know.
Papageno: [shrugging] Meh.
And then he drinks the wine and sings an aria about how much he'd like a cute little wife.
The Audience: YOU'RE A MORON
The Old Woman returns, lecherous as ever, and tells Papageno that he has to marry her or else he'll be stuck there for eternity with only bread and water to eat.
Papageno: When they say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I don't think they mean it like this.
Old Woman: Time's running out, sweetcheeks.
Papageno: If I marry you, you have to agree to never call me that again. Deal?
Old Woman: Deal.
And then the Old Woman turns into a hot, feathery eighteen-year-old named Papagena. Now, Papageno is a simple man – when introducing himself to Tamino in Act I, he specifically stated that he didn't know where he was from or who his parents were. So when he meets someone who looks just like him and has an almost identical name, his first thought is “soul-mate” and not “possibly my younger sister.” Everyone else, on the other hand...
The Audience: Oh god I think I hear banjos.
So Papageno tries to jump on this girl who may or may not be related to him, but he's stopped by the Speaker because he isn't yet worthy of those fine tailfeathers. Scene change to Pamina, who is about to take her own life. This fate could have been avoided if she'd had some Sassy Gay Spirits!
The Three Spirits: What, what, WHAT are you doing.
Pamina: Tamino doesn't love me and I'm never going to see him again!
The Three Spirits: And you thought suicide was your only option?
The Schikanator: That's how women work, right?
Everyone: SHUT UP, EMANUEL.
The Three Spirits: Look, Pamina: if you stop being a stupid bitch for two seconds, we'll take you to Tamino. It's kinda what we do.
The Spirits lead Pamina to Tamino, and the two of them go through the final trial together. Tamino plays his magic flute (once again, not a euphemism) and the lovers pass through fire and water unharmed and everyone is happy because now they can get married!
Pamina: And all the plot threads have been resolved!
Tamino: Yeah, about that. Have you seen Papageno anywhere?
Pamina: All the plot threads that matter have been resolved!
Scene change. Papageno is still lost.
Papageno: I'M REGRETTING MY RASH DECISION
The Speaker: [from offstage] Told you, bitch!
Papageno: I can't find Papagena anywhere, so I think I'm going to commit suicide because that seems perfectly rational. Unless someone in the audience wants me to live...?
The Audience: [crickets chirping]
Papageno: Nothing? Oh, you can all go to hell. I bet you sons of bitches would clap for Tinkerbell if she asked!
The Audience: Remember the time that Pamina actually needed you to talk to her? And that was the one time in the opera when you decided to shut up? Yeah, karma's a bitch.
Papageno: Fuck.
The Audience: Yuuuuup.
Papageno: FINE. I don't want to live in your stupid world anymore because you're all a bunch of stupidheads and I hate you. And now I'm going to hang myself on this tree.
The Three Spirits: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND SUICIDE
The Spirits remind Papageno of his magic glockenspiel, which has the power to do anything that the plot requires – so he plays it and Papagena appears!
Papageno: homina homina homina
Papagena: We make the sex now?
The Three Spirits: OH GOD WE'RE STILL HERE
There's another scene change, and we find the Queen of the Night, the Three Ladies, and Monostatos trying to sneak into the temple and murder everyone inside.
The Audience: Oh, right. I forgot this opera had villains.
Keep in mind that the Queen has already gotten in and out of the temple at least once without any problems, but instead of doing the same thing this time around, her plan is more or less “walk up to the front door.” Like I said in Act I, this bitch is just straight-up tired of being alive. Suddenly there's a bunch of thunder and lightning and everyone freaks out.
The Villains: OH NO WE'RE DYING FOR SOME REASON
The Audience: Wait, what the hell just happened?
And then the scene changes back to the interior of the temple and everyone's happy again!
Sarastro: The power of Light has triumphed over Darkness, blah blah Freemasons blah blah. The moral of the story is: it doesn't matter how painfully incompetent you are, as long as you have a magic trinket to save your sorry ass!
Everyone: WOOO WE'RE AWESOME
[End of the opera.]
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