Cinema Snark: Haiku Edition

It's been several months since my last movie review, which has presented me with a growing dilemma every time I see a new movie in the theaters: should I try to review them all, only review a select few, or just forget about the whole thing?

Finally, I just decided, “Fuck it. I'll review them in haiku format.”

So here they are, in the approximate order in which I saw them (some of them were Red Box rentals).

Friends With Benefits

It has some great lines

And sends up sappy rom-coms

But ends the same way.

The Three Musketeers

Enjoyably bad.

Why the fuck is there a blimp?

Dumas spins in grave.

Paranormal Activity 3

Dear Protagonist:

If you're in mortal danger,

Don't film it. Just run.

The Adjustment Bureau

Angels wear suits now

And God is kind of a dick.

Also: lots of hats.

Green Lantern

It's mediocre

But has so much potential

For a great sequel.

Attack the Block

In the London slums,

Street punks fight off aliens.

It's fucking awesome.

The Muppets

I feel nostalgia

For a show I never watched.

80's Robot rules.

Hugo

Martin Scorsese

Makes a film without gangsters.

Everyone's impressed.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

Explosions abound.

The new BBC series

Is so much better.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

There's not much action

But Jesus the cast is great.

Complicated plot.

Fright Night

Chekov from Star Trek

And David fucking Tennant

Hunt vampires. Hell yes.

Contraband

What is there to say?

Mark Wahlberg punches some dudes

And smuggles some stuff.

The Adventures of Tintin

This is everything

The fourth Indiana Jones

Wishes it could be.

Whatever these might lack in depth and measured criticism, they make up for it by being easy as hell to write. I should really do this for every movie I watch.