Triumvirate of Snark

You know how people say that good things come in threes? Well, they generally don't. People also say that they have free candy in the back of their unmarked, windowless vans, and that's generally not true either. The moral of the story is, you shouldn't listen to people when they talk because they're probably just lying, and also waiting for the moment when they can kidnap you and sell you into a life of WHITE SLAVERY.

But! Today happens to be one of those days where good things actually do come in threes. For behold: today, I wage a three-pronged snark war on current events that haven't been current for like a week and a half but I don't care so shut up because it's gonna be awesome. If this post were a rare item in World of Warcraft, it would be a legendary Trident of Vitriol, forged from bile, dry wit, and copious amounts of profanity. (No, really, this is probably a little more offensive than usual posts. Consider yourselves warned.)

Boom. Consider your minds blown.

Item the First: Stephen King has perplexing taste in movies.

We really shouldn't be surprised about this. I mean, the man has gone on record saying that he knows nothing about movies--and, as if that weren't enough proof, his list of the Top Ten Films of 2010 includes Jackass 3D. (Some of his choices for previous years include 2012 and the Jason Statham version of Death Race.) So yeah, "jackass" sounds about right. Anyway, his list is as follows, with my thoughts:

10. Green Zone: Supposed to be a taut, politically relevant thriller about the war in Iraq. Didn't bother to see it; it looked humorless and self-righteous. From everything I heard, it was.
9. Jackass 3D: Really, Stephen King? Really?
8. Monsters: Supposed to be the next District 9. It's apparently not.
7. Splice: Two scientists that have sex with each other create a partially human gender-confused hybrid creature and raise it as their child. And then they both have sex with it. Squick.
6. Kick-Ass: a.k.a. "Watchmen: The Early Years." Violent and ridiculous and pretty entertaining. There's a brainwashed 12-year-old girl that brutally murders just about everyone she meets, but for some reason, people are most offended by the fact that she says "cunt." Priorities, people. Get them in order.
5. Takers: A heist movie for black people. Because movies about white people stealing shit just aren't gangsta enough. Don't even get me started.
4. The Social Network: "Mark Zuckerberg Is A Douche: The Movie"
3. Inception: An ambitious but flawed movie, but regardless of your feelings about it, we can all agree on one thing: Christopher Nolan now has more money than God.
2. The Town: Boston accents and brutal violence seem to go hand-in-hand for some reason. I wonder what that says about people from Boston.
1. Let Me In: Good movie, but definitely not the best of the year. Hit Girl from Kick-Ass stars as a child vampire who murders and/or dismembers at least seven people over the course of the movie and drinks their blood as it steams in the winter air--but she doesn't say "cunt" this time, so it's perfectly socially acceptable.

Item the Second: Benedict XVI extends the hand of friendship to male prostitutes!

This is important, guys. Pope Benedict recently stated in an interview that in a world full of hunger, genocide, and disease, maaaaaaaaybe condoms aren't actually the worst thing ever to happen to mankind EVER. But of course, they're still awful and sinful and there are only a few very limited circumstances in which condom use is acceptable. The only real example he gave of such a circumstance was this: if you're a male prostitute in Africa, then using a condom is probably a good alternative to giving your customers AIDS.

That sound you hear (or rather, that sound you heard a week and a half ago when this story was current) is all the male prostitutes in Africa breathing a sigh of relief--because if anyone cares what the church has to say about The Secks, it's them. As for the rest of the world, condoms are still strictly off-limits, as are unorthodox sexual positions and enjoyment of sex in any way. The Secks is for MAKING BABIES and NOTHING ELSE. After all, who better to trust on matters of human sexuality than a worldwide organization of middle-aged-to-elderly male virgins?

Item the Third: John McCain is (still) a homophobic douche.

So this link is pretty current, but this is nothing new at all. Senator McCain stated a while back that he would be open to the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" under the correct circumstances--namely, if the proper surveys and studies were undertaken to determine the impact of repealing DADT--but has since become a much more vocal opponent of repeal. And hey, now these studies have been performed, and they say that two-thirds of the troops interviewed did not believe there would be significant problems if gays were allowed to serve openly.

So, yeah, McCain is going to stay true to his word and not oppose the repeal now, right? Because only a total asshole would keep supporting a policy that blatantly violates the civil rights of the American gay community, especially now that the studies he requested have been performed.

Yep. A total asshole indeed.

McCain continues to predict that letting gay troops serve openly would cause a mass exodus from the armed forces. Well, you know what? If any bigoted fucks decide that they don't want to serve their country because gays are allowed, then I say good fucking riddance. They aren't the sort of people I want representing our country overseas, because they only serve to reinforce the stereotype that all Americans are ignorant, violent cowboys who hate anyone who doesn't listen to country music and love Jesus in a totally hetero way.

News flash, assholes: there are already gays in the military. They're everywhere. They're sleeping in your barracks; they're next to you in your foxholes; they're fighting for freedom and truth and justice and the American way and all that happy shit. And you know what? They're actually more concerned about the mission than about taking your rectal virginity, so you can calm the fuck down.

And people wonder why I'm a misanthrope. Jesus.

[Also, I'm aware that the word "triumvirate" refers to a group of three people, not things. If you're still thinking about that after reading this entire post, you should find something else to do with your stupendous intellect instead of wasting your time reading this crap. Woooooo]