Adventures in Music Sales

This actually happened today. The dialogue that follows is recreated as faithfully as possible.

[Scene: The back of a music store. A Crazy Bag Lady, henceforth referred to as CBL, wanders into the Band/Orchestra Department, looking confused.]

CBL [loudly]: Do you have the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah?

Charlie [from the Choral/Organ Department, through the window]: We have it back here. [CBL wanders back to the Choral Department.] Do you have a preferred edition?

CBL [still speaking loudly, with no concept of an indoor voice]: I want the one by Bernstein. [Editor's note: this does not exist.]

Charlie: Okay, I don't think we have that in stock, but I'll check. [Looks in the files.] Are you looking for SATB?

CBL: What's that?

[Charlie dies a little on the inside.]

Charlie: SATB means "soprano, alto, tenor, bass."

CBL: Soprano.

Charlie: What?

CBL: Do you have it for soprano?

Charlie: We have arrangements for all men, all women, and mixed men and women. Are you looking for an all-female arrangement? [CBL nods. Charlie looks through the H drawer and pulls out a folder.] We currently have one arrangement for women's chorus in stock.

CBL: Is it by Bernstein?

Charlie: No; we don't have an arrangement by Bernstein. This is the only arrangement for women's chorus that we have.

[CBL looks through a copy of the arrangement.]

CBL: This is too short. It took us hours to get through when we were learning it in our chorus.

Charlie: It's a short piece. Would you like to see another arrangement?

CBL: I could have sworn there was one by Bernstein. He was the leader or something. You don't have anything with his name on it?

Charlie [sighing heavily]: No. We have an arrangement by Paul Bliss...?

CBL: Maybe that's it.

Charlie [handing her a copy]: Keep in mind that this is for mixed chorus, not just for women.

CBL: No, this isn't right. Handel Bliss. I was looking for Bernstein. [flips through it] Oh, yeah, this is a great arrangement. I forgot about the Bliss. [pause] This is still so short, though. Don't you have anything longer?

[Charlie contemplates murder.]

Charlie [taking out the Schirmer edition]: This edition is exactly what appears in the piano vocal score. It's not going to get any longer than this.

CBL: But I don't want the one by Schirmer.

Charlie: Schirmer isn't the arranger. It's the publisher.

CBL: Oh. It says Hal Leonard at the bottom. Maybe that's where I got Bernstein from. Did Hal Leonard arrange this?

Charlie: Hal Leonard is the distribution company.

CBL: Oh. Did I make up Leonard Bernstein? Is that a real person?

Charlie: No, he's definitely a real person. He composed Candide and West Side Story. He just didn't do an arrangement of the Messiah.

CBL: Oh. That man in West Side Story. I didn't know that was him. Do you have a tape of this Bliss arrangement you could play for me?

Charlie: I mean, you could look it up on Youtube, but most of the arrangements are going to sound exactly the same. It's the Hallelujah Chorus.

CBL: Okay. This Bliss is a great arrangement.

Charlie: That's great. Would you like to buy a copy?

CBL: No, I just wanted to refresh my memory. I used to be in a chorus and I was thinking about it today.

[CBL leaves.]

Charlie: *facepalm*

[End of scene.]