Humbug.

So, Christmas has come and gone, with nary a mention in my blog. Some of you may be asking yourselves why: do I have some ulterior motive? Do I secretly hate Christmas? Am I part of the massive liberal conspiracy to wage war on the celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus H. Christ? Am I a secret Muslim?

The answer to all of these questions is simple: if you're asking those questions seriously and without irony, your name is probably Glenn Beck and you can fuck right off.

In any case, I am what many people would call a Scrooge or a Grinch or a generally crotchety bastard. This is due in large part to the fact that what is frequently referred to as "the Christmas Spirit" just pisses me off. Bitches love Christmas ("bitches" being used here to mean "the majority of the American public")--and instead of just allowing themselves to enjoy that love, people have a tendency to go batshit crazy over it. Case in point: Black Friday stampedes. People have actually died trying to get deals on clothing and electronics and other shit that is fun and shiny and useful (sometimes) and NOT ACTUALLY WORTH YOUR LIFE. You'd think that maybe a "good Christian" would notice if he was stepping on someone's face, but no. Apparently the warm fuzzy Christmas Spirit doesn't extend to not trampling your fellow man.

This shit happens every year. And even if no one dies, there are always violent altercations and verbal abuse. Always. Some people are just assholes, and you can dress that up as much as you want with talk about Santa and Jesus and Christmas, but they're still assholes, and will turn into even bigger assholes if you're standing between them and that 50" plasma TV.

Next in line are the douchebags who blather about "keeping the Christ in Christmas" and get extremely offended whenever someone wishes them "happy holidays" because it's godless and liberal and pagan (though I'm sure they believe those words are pretty much synonymous). Well, funny thing about that: Christmas was a pagan holiday that was wrapped in proverbial swaddling clothes and appropriated for Christianity. People who say "happy holidays" generally mean it as a compliment, so get off your goddamn high horse and deal with it. The same goes for people who get offended when people wish them a merry Christmas--they really do mean well, unless they're dicks. Hell, I'd have no problem with someone wishing me a happy Hanukkah, and I'm pretty far from being Jewish.

And then you have the well-meaning but extremely passive-aggressive people who judge you if your Christmas decorations aren't up to their standards. But you know what? Not every house has to have Christmas lights--or even a wreath on the door, for that matter. Different people celebrate in different ways, and we don't all have to have giant inflatable Santas on our lawn that wave to passersby and shit candy canes, because some of us find that sort of crap tacky as hell. It has no reflection on how much we love our families or our fellow man; we just don't consider pretty lights absolutely necessary. And yes, we are still aware that it's Christmas. Thanks for your concern, and kindly piss off.

So why the ire on my part? Because people are using the holiday as an excuse to lie to themselves.

The prettiest tree in the world won't mend a broken family. Expensive presents don't make you a good parent. Pretending that everything is wonderful and filled with holiday cheer just because it's December does not mean that troubled children will stop doing drugs and setting shit on fire or that unhappy spouses will suddenly want to stay together and fix everything. Christmas is less about letting yourself be filled with the magical Christmas Spirit than it is about being a decent human being.

Stop looking at the fucking animatronic reindeer for a minute and look at your family. Look at your friends. Look at your life. Do you like what you see? If not, maybe you should do something about it that doesn't involve ribbons or wrapping paper.

So, yeah, apparently thinking this way makes me a Scrooge. But hey, the surplus population of jackasses could stand to be decreased, so bah freaking humbug. I wear the mantle proudly.

Merry belated Christmas, everyone, and happy New Year.