My SpiDURRR Sense is Tingling

Okay, it's time to clear something up. Raise your hands if you thought that a Broadway musical about Spider-Man was a good idea.

Be honest, now.

All right. If you raised your hand, congratulations! You're either Julie Taymor, Bono, or a complete fucking moron. You get a special prize if you can figure out which category you fall into! (Protip: celebrities don't read my blog.)

On the heels of this revelation, I have some good news and bad news. The good news is, if you're too scared to go see Black Swan, you can go see a real-life instance of crazy people putting performance ahead of their physical well-being. And the bad news? The privilege will cost anywhere between $75 and $145, and you may or may not get to see a full performance.

Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark has finally opened (kinda) on Broadway after some massive delays, and guess what! They can't even run the damn show all the way through without crippling technical difficulties and/or actors plummeting 30 feet into the orchestra pit. Add that to the estimated $65 million budget, and you have the makings of one of the most expensive and spectacular failures of all time.

But really, is anyone surprised? There's a reason that it took Spider-Man thirteen years longer than Batman to get a big-screen adaptation--to do it well, you need some rather extensive CGI. He's not even some generic flying superhero like Superman, either--he's kinetic, constantly swinging and bouncing and flipping like a parkour practitioner on crystal meth (though that last part might be redundant). In other words, that's some difficult shit right there. A musical takes all of the post-production magic out of the movie-making process, meaning you have to do all those crazy stunts live at every single performance.

It's a dumb fucking idea.

Seriously.

And just because I enjoy kicking people while they're down, I would just like to say that "Turn Off the Dark" is a terrible title. I mean, yes, it sounds appropriately trippy in a Julie Taymor kinda way, but really? It has no relation to Spider-Man at all. His powers really have nothing to do with light or darkness; he climbs walls, he jumps hella high, and does other spider-related stuff.

You know who does have light-based powers? Dazzler. Why don't they make a musical about her?

Oh, that's right: because she sucks.

But then again, by all accounts, so does Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Maybe I'm on to something here.