Operagasm: Oklahoma, Act I

Note: Any full lines in quotation marks are direct quotes from the script.

Act I: The front yard of a farmhouse, which is presumably somewhere in Oklahoma. Aunt Eller, the show's resident sassy old woman, is churning butter in the front yard. Curly McLain, a pompous jerk of a cowboy, is heard singing from offstage.

Curly: WOW IT'S SUCH A NICE DAY AND IT SURE IS GREAT TO LIVE IN SUCH A WHOLESOME RURAL SETTING

[He enters.]

Curly: Howdy, Aunt Eller!

Aunt Eller: JESUS FUCK DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT

Curly: Couldn't you hear me singing? It was pretty loud.

Aunt Eller: Bitch, I'm old and decrepit. I can't hear shit.

The Audience: Hey, she's sassy and awesome!

Curly: Well, since you didn't hear my super awesome song, I'll just have to sing it again!

The Audience: Hey, he's kind of a douche!

Curly: IT'S REALLY REALLY NICE OUTSIDE
By the way, where's your hot niece?

Aunt Eller: Find her yourself, you lazy fuck.

Curly: Why is she always such a bitch to me, though? I'm rugged and handsome and swing a lasso like a fucking boss and also my bowel movements smell like fresh clover honey!

The Audience: Waaaaait a minute. Tall, handsome, narcissistic, and constantly chasing after the hottest piece of ass in town... This seems familiar.

[It's at this point that the audience realizes that Curly is basically Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, and is therefore the villain of the story.]

The Audience: ... holy shit.

Rodgers: You've got it all wrong, guys. This story is about how being a self-absorbed asshole will get you everything you want in life!

Hammerstein: And also about how being an introvert marks you as a dangerous sociopath who should be shunned from society!

Rodgers: But we're getting ahead of ourselves. On with the show!

The Audience: ... why did we come see this, again?

Aunt Eller: Soooooo let me guess -- you're here to ask Laurey to the box social tonight.

Curly: Nuh-uh. She's stupid and has cooties and I don't want anything to do with her. Except she smells real nice, and she's got such amazingly round, perky --

[Laurey enters, singing Curly's song.]

Laurey: WOW IT'S SO NICE OUTSIDE HERP DERP DURRRR
That's what you sound like, you know.

Curly: WELL FINE I GUESS I WON'T ASK YOU THE THE BOX SOCIAL

Laurey: GOOD BECAUSE I WOULDN'T GO WITH YOU ANYWAY

Curly: WELL THEN YOU WON'T GET TO RIDE IN THE AWESOME SURREY I RENTED

Most of the Audience: What the fuck is a surrey?

Curly: AND BY THE WAY IT ALSO HAS A FRINGE ON TOP

Aunt Eller: "Would you say that fringe is made of silk?"

Curly: BITCH DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING ROCKEFELLER OF COURSE IT'S NOT SILK IT'S FUCKING COTTON

Aunt Eller: Oh.

Curly: But seriously, though, it's one pimped-out ride. The other fellers in town, they see me rollin'. They hatin'. Patrollin'! They tryna catch me drivin' a surrey.

Aunt Eller: I have no idea what any of that meant.

Curly: My carriage is baller as fuck.

Aunt Eller: Gotcha.

Laurey: Too bad I'm not going and I also don't care.

Curly: Well... I made the whole thing up, so screw you.

Laurey: WHAT THE HELL WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

Curly: I thought you didn't care.

Laurey: I DON'T BECAUSE YOU'RE A STUPID ASSBUTT

Aunt Eller: [chanting] Make out! Make out! Make out!

Laurey: Shut up. I'm out, bitches.

[Laurey exits.]

Aunt Eller: Awwww yeah. She want dat.

[Curly and Aunt Eller fist bump. Enter Ike and Slim.]

Ike: Hey, Curly, did you do what we asked you to, or did you just spend the whole time staring at Laurey's tits?

Curly: No comment.

Ike: Yeah, I thought so. Jackass. [to Aunt Eller] Can we borrow your wagon to bring people to the box social tonight?

Aunt Eller: Sure, whatever. Curly, stop being a douche for two minutes and go hitch up the horses.

Curly: YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Aunt Eller: BOY YOU BETTER HITCH UP THAT WAGON OR I WILL WHUP YOUR ASS SO HARD YOU'LL PISS BLOOD FOR A WEEK

Curly: ... yes'm.

[Curly exits. Enter Will Parker, an energetic, fun-loving cowboy who happens to be dumber than a bag of retarded hammers. Will is accompanied by a chorus of even more cowboys, who are constantly hooting and hollering like idiots because they're paper-thin stereotypes.]

Will: AUNT ELLER GUESS WHAT I WON THE STEER-ROPING COMPETITION IN KANSAS CITY AND I GOT FIFTY DOLLARS WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED BEFORE I CAN MARRY MY SLUTTY GIRLFRIEND

Aunt Eller: I swear to god -- if people don't stop showing up here uninvited, I'm gonna surround this whole goddamn place with barbed wire.

Will: AND I ALSO BOUGHT A PORN KALEIDOSCOPE AS A PRESENT FOR HER DAD BECAUSE THAT'S NOT WEIRD AT ALL

The Audience: Yeah, that's what every over-protective father wants from the guy who's trying to bone his daughter.

Aunt Eller: DID SOMEONE SAY PORN I LOVE PORN

Cowboys: Aaaaand it just got awkward.

Will: OH MAN YOU GUYS KANSAS CITY IS PRETTY AWESOME IT'S GOT CARS AND PHONES AND FAT STRIPPERS WHO'LL DO SOME AMAZING THINGS IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM IF YOU SLIP THEM AN EXTRA DOLLAR

Cowboys: whooooaaaaaaaaaaa

Will: AND ALSO I LEARNED HOW TO DANCE

[Will starts dancing a two-step, and then starts doing some ragtime.]

Cowboys: Where'd you learn how to do that?

Will: "I seen a couple fellers doin' it in the street!"

Cowboys: ... gross.

["And Will does his stuff, accompanied by four of the dancing boys."]

The Audience: Also gross.

[The dance number finishes just as Curly re-enters.]

Curly: Aww man, I can't believe I missed the big dance party!

Will: Yeeeeah, we thought about waiting until you got back, but then we remembered that we hate you because you're a dick.

The Audience: Fair enough.

[Will and the cowboys exit, leaving Curly and Aunt Eller alone onstage.]

Curly: So tell me, Aunt Eller -- if Laurey doesn't like me, who does she like? Because I'm not above murdering my romantic rivals.

Hammerstein: Foreshadowing!

Aunt Eller: No clue. But our farmhand, Jud, seems to like her a whole lot.

[Enter Jud Fry. He mumbles a greeting and exits.]

Curly: ... motherfucker.

Aunt Eller: He keeps to himself most of the time and is actually the best worker I've ever hired, but I think I'll treat him like shit for the rest of the show!

Curly: Sounds like a plan. I'll make sure everyone else does, too!

[Jud re-enters, accompanied by Laurey.]

Jud: Sooooo I'm actually gonna stop working early today; I have to wash up and look all nice because I'm taking Laurey to the box social tonight!

Curly: ... motherFUCKER.

[Jud exits again.]

Curly: Well, fine. If Laurey wants to go out with that skeevy bastard, I'll ask the least attractive person I know, just to make her jealous!

Aunt Eller: Yeah, that seems like the adult thing to do.

Curly: So, Aunt Eller -- want to go to the box social with me?

Aunt Eller: Fuck yourself.

Curly: Awesome! I'll pick you up at six in my kickass surrey, which I didn't actually make up after all!

Laurey: Goddammit.

[Curly exits.]

Laurey: Don't go to the box social with Curly tonight, Aunt Eller! I don't want to be all alone with Jud!

Aunt Eller: Then why the fuck did you say you'd go with him, you dumb bitch?

Laurey: Because he scares me!

Aunt Eller: So you thought that leading him on instead of being honest was the best course of action.

Laurey: Yeah, pretty much.

Aunt Eller: Christ. It's a good thing you're so purty, 'cause ain't nobody gonna marry you for your brains. So why does he scare you?

Laurey: Have you ever been down to that smokehouse where he lives? He has pictures of naked women on the walls!

Hammerstein: And looking at porn is the first sign that you're a danger to society!

The Audience: Weren't Will and the other cowboys looking at pictures of naked women less than five minutes ago? Are they dangerous anti-social freaks, too?

Rodgers: SHUT UP DO NOT QUESTION OUR MORAL JUDGEMENT

Laurey: Only a sick, twisted pervert would look at pictures like that! And sometimes I hear him walking past my window at night! And he looks at me when we're eating breakfast!

Aunt Eller: Calm your tits. Everything will be fine as long as you don't tell him that he's a worthless human being who deserves to die.

Hammerstein: Also foreshadowing!

The Audience: Yeah, this isn't going to end well.

[Aunt Eller sees Ado Annie and Ali Hakim off in the distance.]

Aunt Eller: Hey, it's that rat bastard of a peddler who sold me a busted egg beater! COME HERE, YOU ASSHOLE

[Ado Annie enters.]

Ado Annie: Hi, Aunt Eller!

Aunt Eller: Fuck off.

[Aunt Eller goes off to bust a cap in Ali Hakim's ass.]

Ado Annie: Hi, Laurey!

Laurey: Hey -- remember Will, your boyfriend? He's back in town, so maybe you should stop shacking up with that sketchy traveling salesman.

Ado Annie: But I don't wannaaaaaaaa

Laurey: You're going to have to choose one of them, you know.

Ado Annie: SHUT UP YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM

Laurey: You can't just go around making out with everyone who wants to! A real lady is super passive-aggressive to the man she likes until she undermines his self-esteem enough that she can walk all over him. And then they get married!

The Audience: Whoa. Did it just get crazy in here?

Ado Annie: You're just jealous.

Laurey: Am not!

Ado Annie: Are too. When was the last time someone gave you an orgasm?

Laurey: Gave me a whatnow?

Ado Annie: Yeah, that's what I thought. Let's see, how can I put this delicately...
I'M JUST A GIRL WHO'LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES

[The remaining verses, bridge, choruses, and encore verse are all variations on this theme.]

Ado Annie: Yeah, that about covers it.

Laurey: Wow.

Ado Annie: And it's okay that Ali Hakim and I are playing Just the Tip, because he wants to marry me!

Laurey: Okay, two questions. First, what the fuck kind of a name is that? Second, has he actually said he wants to get married?

Ado Annie: It's Persian, you racist. And no, he hasn't exactly proposed yet, but he did say that he wanted to [CENSORED] me in the [CENSORED] until I [CENSORED] so loud they could hear me all the way back in Persepolis!

Laurey: [horrified silence]

Ado Annie: So, you know. Tomayto, tomahto.

Laurey: [vomits everywhere]

[Ali Hakim enters, pursued by Aunt Eller.]

Aunt Eller: GET THE FUCK BACK HERE

Ali: OH GOD AUNT ELLER'S GONNA KILL ME

Aunt Eller: I AIN'T YOUR FUCKING AUNT SO YOU CAN'T CALL ME THAT

The Audience: Wait. Does that mean she's actually related to everyone else who calls her that? Which is pretty much everyone else in the show?

[Banjos start playing. The Audience starts to get uncomfortable.]

Ali: Look, if you're unhappy with the product you purchased, I would be happy to exchange it for something else if it means you won't kill me.

Aunt Eller: [growls]

Ali: Sexy lingerie?

Aunt Eller: ... I'm listening.

Ali: How about you, Laurey? Do you want anything?

Laurey: I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME

Ali: Wow. Crazy seems to run in your family. How about some bath salts? They're Egyptian or something.

Laurey: I dunno...

Ali: They'll make you trip balls and see some really weird shit.

Laurey: Sold!

Ali: Wonderful. By the way, Ali Hakim Enterprises is in no way responsible for any face-eating that may or may not occur as a result of using this product.

Laurey: What?

Ali: I didn't say anything.

Aunt Eller: Sooooo about that sexy lingerie you mentioned...

Ali: Let's step inside and I can show you!

[Laurey and Aunt Eller go into the house, but Annie detains Ali before he can follow.]

Ado Annie: Hey, remember the time that you told me you wanted to stuff me like a Thanksgiving turkey?

Ali: You know it, baby.

Ado Annie: That means you want to marry me, right?

Ali's Internal Monologue: oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

Ali: Wellllllllll you see... what I really meant was, uh...

[Will enters.]

Will: HEY ADO ANNIE I'M BACK

Ado Annie: Shit.

Will: HOW'S ABOUT YOU AND ME GO FUCK IN A HAYLOFT

Ado Annie: Uh... Will, this is Ali Hakim.

Will: WELL HOWDY I'M ANNIE'S FIANCÉ

Ali's Iternal Monologue: Oh, thank Christ.

Ali: Wow it's really nice to meet you and now I have to be somewhere that's not here. Ta!

[Ali gets the hell outta Dodge.]

Will: GUESS WHAT I GOT FIFTY DOLLARS LIKE YOUR DAD SAID I HAD TO SO NOW WE CAN GET MARRIED

Ado Annie: wooooooo I'm super excited and stuff because I was totally faithful while you were gone

Will: AND THEN I SPENT IT ALL ON PRESENTS FOR YOU

Ado Annie: I know I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but doesn't that mean that you don't actually have the fifty dollars anymore?

Will: STOP TALKING NONSENSE AND GIVE ME A KISS

Ado Annie: Make me.

Will: I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU THE WHOLE TIME I WAS WRESTLING FARM ANIMALS IN KANSAS CITY

Ado Annie: Huh. Is it wrong that I'm kinda turned on right now?

Will: JUST KISS ME ALREADY

Ado Annie: OKAY

[They have big, sloppy makeouts and then exit. Aunt Eller and Laurey come back outside just as Curly and the chorus enter. All the women are carrying lunch baskets which will be auctioned off at the box social -- and before you ask: yes, this is a major plot point, and yes, it's exactly as stupid as it sounds.]

Chorus: WOW IT'S SUCH A NICE DAAAAAY

Curly: STOP STEALING MY SONG YOU FUCKERS

Gertie Cummings: I HAVE AN UNFORTUNATE LAST NAME AND AN EVEN WORSE LAUGH HURR HURR HURR

All the Men Onstage: Oh. Oh god. Can you un-masturbate to something?

[Curly leaves and Gertie follows him because she wants to get herself a piece of that ass. The men leave with the baskets, while the women stay onstage and are super catty.]

Women: HEY LAUREY LOOKS LIKE CURLY'S GONNA FUCK GERTIE

Laurey: Pfft. Like I give a damn who he sleeps with. I am a strong, independent woman who doesn't waste her time whining about men! But also I hope he gets herpes.

Women: I KNOW RIGHT

[They all leave as Ali Hakim enters, followed shortly thereafter by Ado Annie.]

Ado Annie: ALI HAKIM I CAN'T MARRY YOU I'M SO SORRY

Ali: Oh. That's... very sad. My heart is totally broken and stuff.

[Enter Old Man Carnes, the show's resident shotgun-toting crotchety old man. Think Clint Eastwood from Gran Torino, only with fewer racial slurs.]

Carnes: Hey, Annie. I heard that dumb-fuck Will Parker got himself fifty dollars?

Ado Annie: Yuuuup.

Carnes: Goddammit. I was really hoping my grandbabies wouldn't be mentally handicapped nymphomaniacs, but I guess that's off the table now.

Ado Annie: Rude.

Carnes: Soooo you'll probably want to get that money from him before he does something stupid, like spending it all on presents for you.

Ado Annie: Yeah, about that... He kinda already did.

Carnes: Oh, thank god. There's hope for your future yet. Now I just need to find you someone else to marry...

Ali: I THINK SHE SHOULD MARRY WILL BECAUSE THEY'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER

Carnes: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU

Ado Annie: Oh, this is the guy I've been fooling around with while Will's been away!

Carnes: Aaaaaand we have a winner! Congratulations, son; you get to marry my daughter!

Ali: What happens if I say no?

Carnes: Then I stick my shotgun up your ass and pull the trigger.

Ali: OH MAN YOUR DAUGHTER AND I ARE GOING TO BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER

[Carnes exits. Ali curls up into a ball and starts weeping softly.]

Ado Annie: I know! I'm so excited I could cry, too!

[Annie exits. Enter the men's chorus.]

Men: What the fuck happened to you?

Ali: WHEN I SAY SHOTGUN YOU SAY WEDDING -- SHOTGUN

Men: WEDDING

Ali: SHOTGUN

Men: WEDDING

Everyone Who Reads My Blog: Panic at the Disco? That was the best you could come up with?

Me: Fuck you guys; this is harder than it looks.

[And then the women come onstage and drag the men away, presumably for torture of some sort. Laurey enters from the house just in time to see Curly and Gertie returning.]

Gertie: Oh hey, Laurey. Have you packed your lunch for the auction tonight?

Laurey: I TOTALLY HAVE AND IT'S GONNA BE BETTER THAN YOURS

Gertie: BITCH DO YOU WANNA FIGHT

Laurey: YUUUP

[Curly is visibly aroused by the prospect of a girl-fight. Aunt Eller enters.]

Aunt Eller: WOULD YOU BITCHES CALM THE FUCK DOWN

Laurey and Gertie: ... yes, ma'am.

[Aunt Eller takes Gertie inside, leaving Laurey and Curly alone.]

Laurey: What a bitch. But I bet she's great in the sack, right?

Curly: Wouldn't know. But you'll have to tell me how Jud is.

Laurey: You're just jealous 'cause everyone knows you want to get a piece of this fine ass.

Curly: Nuh-uh. Everyone knows you're the one who wants to save a horse and ride this cowboy.

The Audience: JUST FUCK ALREADY

Laurey: Nope. We're just gonna sing about how much we don't like each other.

Curly: Sounds like a plan!

Both: YOU'RE STUPID AND GROSS BUT EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO THINK WE SHOULD MAKE A BABY

Curly: And while I'm proving how much I don't like you, I'm going to go interrogate Jud about how he got you to go with him to the party. Because that makes so much sense.

[Curly leaves and Laurey has lots of feelings. And then the scene changes!]

The Audience: FINALLY

[And now we're inside Jud's smokehouse. It's dark and there are pictures of naked ladies on the walls.]

Hammerstein: SEE HOW MUCH OF A DEVIANT HE IS

Rodgers: HE CLEARLY DESERVES TO BE AN OUTCAST

[Curly enters. Jud is cleaning a gun on the table.]

Jud: What the fuck do you want?

Curly: Oh, nothing. I just came down here to make awkward small-talk. Soooo whatcha thinkin' about?

Jud: How much I hate it when pompous assholes come in here uninvited.

Curly: Yeah, I bet that sucks. So what do you use that gun for?

Jud: Shooting pompous assholes who come in here uninvited.

Curly: Good talk. Hey, have you ever thought about killing yourself?

Jud: Um... no?

Curly: Well, maybe you should.

The Audience: So, wait. Is the protagonist of this show, with whom we're expected to sympathize, actually trying to talk someone into committing suicide? All because he was too much of a pussy to ask the girl he likes to a dance?

Rodgers: Yup. He's a real American hero!

The Audience: Wow. Fuck him and fuck you too.

Curly: OHHHH SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

Jud: IT BRINGS ON MANY CHANGES

Both: AND I CAN TAKE OR LEAVE IT IF I PLEASE

Curly: Man, I can't wait to go to your funeral!

Jud: Yeah, funny thing about that. I have this friend who totally isn't me who used to work on a farm where people always treated him like shit, and then he burned the farm to the ground and killed everyone who had been a dick to him. So maybe you should stop being an asshole.

The Audience: So now we actually know that Jud's a murdering psychopath, and yet he still manages to be more sympathetic than Curly.

Jud: Also, you should stay away from Laurey because she's mine.

Curly: Yeah, that's not gonna work for me because fuck you.

[Jud gets pissed and fires his gun in the air, and Curly responds by shooting at a knothole because he always has to turn everything into a dick-measuring contest.]

The Audience: What a douche.

[Aunt Eller enters with Ali Hakim and some random people that no one gives a shit about.]

Aunt Eller: WOULD YOU TWO FUCKERS STOP SHOOTING UP MY SMOKEHOUSE

[Aunt Eller and the random people exit, but Ali stays behind.]

Ali: Hey, Jud -- I just got some brand new porn! Want to take a look?

Curly: Aaaaaand that's my cue to leave.

[Curly exits.]

Jud: Would you happen to have anything I could use to murder that smug son of a bitch?

Ali: Not at the moment. Just pictures of tits.

Jud: What I'd really like is one of those porn kaleidoscopes they sell in Kansas City, because they actually have HIDDEN KNIVES YOU CAN USE TO STAB PEOPLE IN THE CHEST

The Audience: Wait, what? That makes no goddamn sense.

Hammerstein: Just go with it.

Ali: Yeah, I'll keep an eye out for one of those. You sure you don't want the new issue of Penthouse?

Jud: I'M SICK OF PORN I WANT AN ACTUAL WOMAN

Ali: Cool. I'm going to get the hell out of your murder-shack now.

[Ali leaves. Jud broods and fantasizes about getting into Laurey's pants or petticoats or whatever the fuck women wore at the time.]

Jud: I WEAR RAGS AND HE WEARS A NICE BLOUSE
HE'S ROPIN' CATTLE WHILE I'M IN THE SMOKEHOUSE
DREAMING OF THE DAY WHEN YOU'LL WAKE UP AND FIND
THAT WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR
HAS BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME

Everyone Who Reads My Blog: Gaaaaaay.

Me: FUCK OFF

Jud: CAN'T YOU SEEEEEEEE
YOU BELONG WITH MEEEEEE

[The scene changes again. A bunch of women enter and are telling fortunes or some bullshit like that. They're followed shortly thereafter by Laurey, who's clutching her bottle of bath salts.]

Laurey: GET OUT OF HERE I WANT TO GET HIGH

Gertie: What, what, what are you doing. You bought some roofies from a peddler.

Laurey: I NEED DRUGS SO I CAN MAKE UP MY MIND

Kate: You're a stupid bitch.

Ellen: Just get your bone on with Curly already!

Women: LISTEN TO YOUR HEART OR SOMETHING

[Laurey starts huffing her bath salts, and -- as promised -- she starts tripping balls. She hallucinates that she and Curly start dancing ballet-style, after which they make out and get married and then Jud shows up and kills Curly dead and no one is sad except for her. When Laurey finally comes down from her insane trip, Jud is waiting for her.]

Jud: WOOOOO LET'S GO DANCE

[End of Act I.]

The Audience: IT'S ABOUT GODDAMN TIME THIS IS THE LONGEST FIRST ACT EVER

Next installment: Act II