Operagasm: Oklahoma, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: Ike Skidmore's ranch. We finally get to see the box social that no one was able to shut the fuck up about through all of Act I.

Chorus: WOOO LOOK AT OUR PURTY DANCING

[Carnes enters and starts singing.]

Carnes: IT WOULD BE AWESOME IF FARMERS AND COWBOYS COULD ALL GET ALONG

Chorus: YEAH YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT

The Audience: This is great and all, but the show has yet to demonstrate in any way that there's ever been any sort of tension between farmers and cowboys.

Carnes: JUST TAKE MY FUCKING WORD FOR IT

The Audience: Whatever. It'll be okay, as long as that's the only time a plot point is introduced with absolutely no warning.

Hammerstein: HAHAHA OF COURSE NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE BAD STORYTELLING

Rodgers: AND WE'RE TOO AWESOME TO DO THAT

The Audience: We'll believe it when we see it.

Carnes: SO EVEN THOUGH I WAS JUST SAYING THAT EVERYONE SHOULD GET ALONG I AM NOW GOING TO TALK SHIT ABOUT COWBOYS

Cowboys: FUCK YOU

Aunt Eller: COWBOYS ARE AWESOME AND FARMERS CAN EAT A BAG OF DICKS EVEN THOUGH I TOTALLY OWN A FARM TOO

Farmers: FUCK YOU

[And then everyone starts punching each other because that's how everyone solved their problems in the WILD WEST. Aunt Eller breaks up the fight by shooting a gun in the air.]

Aunt Eller: EVERYONE CALM THE FUCK DOWN

A Random Farmer: You know, you can't really pretend to be a peacemaker when you helped start the whole argument.

[Aunt Eller shoots him in the face.]

Aunt Eller: Anyone else feel like sassing me?

Everyone: nnnnnnope

Aunt Eller: That's right, motherfuckers. Respect.

Everyone: ohhhhh the farmer and the cowman should probably not be dicks to each other and please don't shoot us

Curly: AND WE SHOULD ESPECIALLY BE FRIENDS BECAUSE OKLAHOMA IS ABOUT TO BECOME A STATE

The Audience: WHAT DID WE TELL YOU ABOUT PULLING PLOT POINTS OUT OF YOUR ASS

Hammerstein: Sorry. It's the last time, I swear.

[Actually, it's not. And then everyone dances some more!]

Ike: NOW LET'S START THE AUCTION

Cord Elam: "I'm so hungry, I could eat a gatepost!"

Everyone: That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard.

Aunt Eller: Yeah, let's all pretend that never happened. NOW LET'S GO SELL SOME FUCKING LUNCHES

Everyone: WOOOOOOOO

[Everyone exits except for Will, who's carrying his presents for Ado Annie. Ali enters.]

Will: YOU

Ali: Uh-oh.

Will: I KILL YOU

Ali: Hey, man -- I'm reeeeally sorry about accidentally getting engaged to your girlfriend. I wish there was something I could do... you know, without getting my large intestine perforated by buckshot.

Will: Man, if only I had fifty dollars...

Ali: ... then you'd be the one stuck with Ado Annie instead of me!

Will: More or less.

Ali: HEY LET ME BUY SOME OF YOUR PRESENTS

Will: Why would you want to do that?

The Audience: Wow, you're even dumber than you look.

Ali: HERE TAKE THIS WAD OF CASH

Will: [counting the money] Hey, this is almost...

Will's Inner Monologue: Silence, you fool! You've got him right where you want him!

Will: Ahem. Want to buy anything else?

Ali: You bet your tight little ass I do. Hey, what's this?

Will: It's a porn kaleidoscope!

Ali: Ohhhh. The kind with the hidden knife?

Will: Hidden who on the whatnow?

Ali: Never mind.

[Laurey rushes in.]

Laurey: OH GOD JUD'S TRYING TO TALK TO ME

[She hides as Jud enters.]

Jud: But Laaaaureeeeeyyyy, I just want to talk about my feeeeeliiiiings

Ali: Hey, Jud -- you still in the market for murderin' implements?

Jud: ... maaaaaybe.

[Jud buys the porn kaleidoscope and Will starts counting his money.]

Will: WOOO I GOT FIFTY DOLLARS NOW

Ali: You fail math forever. That's forty-nine.

Will: Fuck. Want to buy the rest of my stuff?

Ali: Absolutely. Have a dollar!

Will: WOOO I GOT FIFTY DOLLARS NOW

Ali: oh noooo I guess this means you'll be marrying Annie now instead of meeeee

Will: THAT'S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER YOUR DUMB ASS JUST GOT OUTSMARTED

Ali: Yeah, you're a genius.

[Aunt Eller enters with the chorus.]

Aunt Eller: Only two baskets left to auction!

Ado Annie: THEY'RE MINE AND LAUREY'S

Aunt Eller: BITCH IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ANONYMOUS

Ado Annie: I DO WHAT I WANT

Aunt Eller: Whatever. Who wants to bid?

Slim: TWO BITS

Cord Elam: FOUR BITS

Slim: You know what, Cord? Fuck you.

The Audience: What the hell is a bit, anyway?

[It's twelve and a half cents. Carnes puts a gun against Ali's back.]

Carnes: BUY MY DAUGHTER'S LUNCH

Ali: SIX BITS

Aunt Eller: Anyone else? How about you, Mike?

Mike: Hell no. Last time I had her cooking, I shat blood for a fucking week.

Carnes: [to Ali] BID MORE

Ali: Fiiiiiine. But I'm not going higher than ninety cents.

Will: I BID FIFTY DOLLARS

Everyone: HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT

Will: [to Carnes] AND NOW THAT I HAVE THESE FIFTY DOLLARS YOU HAVE TO LET ADO ANNIE MARRY ME LIKE YOU PROMISED

Carnes: You just bid your fifty dollars, you moron. So unless some idiot bids even more, you're shit outta luck.

Ali: FIFTY-ONE DOLLARS

Carnes: GODDAMMIT YOU FOREIGN ASSHOLE

Aunt Eller: GOING GOING GONE

[Will and Annie run offstage to have lots of sex. Ali contemplates the fact that he's just lost over a hundred dollars, and all he has to show for it is a lunch that will probably make him shit blood.]

Aunt Eller: Soooo yeah. Who wants to bid on Laurey's hamper?

Slim: TWO BITS

Fred: FOUR BITS

Slim: GODDAMMIT WHY DIDN'T I BRING MORE THAN TWO BITS

Carnes: ONE DOLLAR

[Jud enters.]

Jud: A DOLLAR AND A QUARTER

[The following dialogue formula repeats like twenty times and it gets really fucking obnoxious:]

Random Person: X DOLLARS

Jud: X DOLLARS AND TWO BITS

The Audience: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

[Finally, everyone else drops out. Even though Jud has clearly won the bidding, Aunt Eller is doing everything in her power to keep him from actually getting the lunch basket because FUCK that guy.]

Aunt Eller: Going......... to Jud Fry............ for six dollars............. and two bits...........

Jud: BITCH JUST TAKE MY FUCKING MONEY

[And then Curly enters. Remember how he turns everything into a dick-measuring contest? Yeah, nothing's changed.]

Curly: WHO WANTS TO BUY MY SADDLE SO I CAN OUTBID JUD

Some Guy: Me!

Curly: TEN DOLLARS

Jud: AND TWO BITS

Curly: WHO WANTS TO BUY MY HORSE

Some Other Guy: Me!

Curly: THIRTY-FIVE DOLLARS

Jud: FUCK YOU CURLY I'M GOING TO BID MY LIFE SAVINGS OF FORTY-TWO DOLLARS AND THIRTY-ONE CENTS

Curly: WHO WANTS TO BUY MY GUN

Some Other Other Guy: Me!

Curly: FIFTY-THREE DOLLARS

Aunt Eller: GOING GOING GONE

Curly: WOOOO I'M AWESOME AND JUD CAN SUCK IT

Everyone Else: Yeah, you gave up everything you own so you could buy a lunch. Congratulations, you fucking moron.

The Audience: So, wait. Why the hell does it matter who wins the bidding? It's just food, for Christ's sake; it's not like Curly and Laurey's happy ending is entirely dependent on a fucking lunchbox.

Hammerstein: Um.......

Rodgers: It represents her virginity or something.

Hammerstein: Yeah. What he said.

The Audience: So we just saw a bunch of guys bidding on Laurey's virginity. Doesn't that kinda make her a prostitute? Along with every other girl who sold a basket?

Rodgers: You guys ask too many questions.

[Ike makes Curly and Jud shake hands, because clearly that will fix everything.]

Jud: Hey, Curly -- want to take a look at this porn kaleidoscope that totally doesn't have a hidden knife in it?

Curly: Don't mind if I do!

[Ali runs and tells Aunt Eller about Curly's impending murder.]

Aunt Eller: JESUS FUCK CURLY GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN AND HIS FILTHY PORNOGRAPHY

Curly: Um... okay?

[Jud puts away the porn kaleidoscope. It is never spoken of again.]

Chekhov: Seriously? After all that build-up? I know it's not actually a gun, but COME ON

Hammerstein: Piss off, you Russian douche.

Aunt Eller: COME DANCE WITH ME

Curly: Sure, whatever.

Aunt Eller: "Pick that banjo to pieces, Sam!"

The Audience: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

[Everyone dances offstage. Will and Ado Annie re-enter, still basking in their post-coital glow.]

Will: So now that we're engaged, you're gonna stop fuckin' other dudes, right?

Ado Annie: Maaaaaaybe?

Will: YOUR CHEEEEATIN' HEEEAAAART
WILL MAKE YOU WEEEEEEP

Ado Annie: ALL RIGHT I'LL BE FAITHFUL JUST STOP SINGING THAT GODAWFUL SONG

Will: Done and done.

[They run offstage for more sex. There's a scene change, and then Laurey and Jud dance on.]

Jud: Soooo you don't seem to be enjoying yourself too much tonight. What's wrong?

Laurey: NOTHING AT ALL

Jud: You seem uncomfortable.

Laurey: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT I DEFINITELY DON'T FIND YOU REPUGNANT IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE

Jud: Welllllll that's good, 'cause I'm pretty much in love with you. Mostly because you brought me soup one time when I was sick, which makes you the only person in this musical who's showed me any shred of sympathy or human kindness.

[Since Laurey doesn't know how to deal with someone who openly expresses longing and affection instead of just being a cocky asshole all the time, she reacts with utter revulsion.]

Laurey: EWW GET AWAY FROM ME

Jud: YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME

Laurey: YUUUUUUP

Jud: FUCK YOU WHORE

Laurey: YOU'RE A WORTHLESS HUMAN BEING AND YOU DESERVE TO DIE

Aunt Eller: [from offstage] I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THAT YOU DUMB BITCH

Laurey: ALSO YOU'RE FIRED

Jud: something something growled threat

[Jud leaves. Laurey starts crying. Enter Will.]

Will: Hey, have you seen Ado Annie? We're playing Hide and Go Bone, but I can't find her anywhere.

Laurey: GO FIND CURLY

[Curly enters.]

Curly: I'm right here, jackass.

Will: Okay, wellllll you two have fun. My fiancée is somewhere on this ranch with no clothes on, so I should probably find her before someone else does.

[Exit Will.]

Curly: Soooo what's the problem?

Laurey: JUD SAID NICE THINGS ABOUT ME AND IT WAS HORRIBLE AND THEN I FIRED HIM AND SAID HE DESERVED TO DIE

Curly: Sounds about right. Hey, while you're still in a state of severe emotional distress... wanna get married?

Laurey: What? No!

Curly: Pretty please?

Laurey: Okay fine.

[They make out.]

Curly: HEY EVERYONE LAUREY AND I ARE GONNA MAKE BABIES

Jud: [from offstage] ...motherFUCKER.

[Curly and Laurey exit. Enter Ado Annie and Ali Hakim.]

Ali: Soooo I should probably get the hell out of here before I end up married to someone I can't stand. No offense.

Ado Annie: None taken!

Ali: Goodbye makeouts?

Ado Annie: Oh HELL yes.

[Ali gives Annie a "Persian Goodbye," which basically consists of him motorboating her and then giving her big sloppy kisses.]

Ado Annie: woooooow

Ali: More?

Ado Annie: Yuuuuuuuuuup.

[They do it again, just in time for Will to enter.]

Will: We've been engaged for less than a half hour and you're already macking on someone else? What in the actual fuck, Annie.

Ali: It's okay; I'm just saying goodbye.

[He makes out with Ado Annie again.]

Will: GTFO YOU PERSIAN ASSHOLE

[Exit Ali Hakim.]

Will: STOP MAKING OUT WITH OTHER DUDES

Ado Annie: MAYBE I WOULD IF YOU KISSED ME LIKE THAT

Will: Challenge accepted.

[Will gives Annie an "Oklahoma Hello," in which he basically mounts her and shoves his tongue down her throat. Then they run offstage to have sex. Again.]

The Audience: Jesus, they're like rabbits or something.

[Scene change! There's a time-skip here, but it's not really clear whether it's a couple weeks or a couple months.]

Hammerstein: Because fuck you, that's why.

The Audience: We hate you so much.

[It's Laurey and Curly's wedding day! Everyone's drunk except for Old Man Carnes.]

Ike: The fuck is wrong with you?

Carnes: Blah blah Jud's back in town and looking to start some shit blah blah

[Laurey and Curly enter in their wedding attire.]

Everyone: YAAAAAAY

[And then all the main characters take turns making fun of Curly because he can't be a cowboy anymore because he sold all of his shit because he's a fucking moron.]

Curly: OKLAHOMA IS A PRETTY COOL PLACE TO LIVE

Everyone: IT SURE IS

[And then comes the big climactic chorus number which is also the title of the show.]

Most of the Audience: Soooo that's the end, right?

Rodgers: Actually, that was just a cock-tease. There's another fifteen minutes before the show is actually over.

The Audience: WHAT THE FUCK

[Laurey and Curly go inside and all of the men-folk huddle up in a circle and start whispering.]

Ado Annie: Daaaaaaad are you guys gonna embarrass Laurey and Curly with your stupid redneck bullshit?

Carnes: Pretty much.

[The men exit, leaving the women to gossip. Enter Gertie.]

Gertie: HEY GIRLS I GOT MYSELF MARRIED

The Women: OHMIGAAAAWWWWD WHO'D YOU MARRY

[Enter Ali Hakim, looking haggard and on the verge of suicide.]

Ado Annie: HOLY CRAP ALI DID YOU MARRY GERTIE

Ali: It was that or getting shot in the face by her father when he walked in on us.

The Audience: Aaaand that's what you get for not learning from your mistakes.

[Gertie laughs.]

Ali: I WANT TO DIE

[Enter Will.]

Ado Annie: HEY WILL GERTIE AND ALI HAKIM JUST GOT MARRIED

Will: Awesome! I think I'm gonna cuckold him the way he cuckolded me. C'mere, Gertie!

[Will gives her an Oklahoma Hello. Ado Annie gets pissed.]

Ado Annie: BITCH GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY MAN

[She chases Gertie offstage with murder in her eyes. All the women follow.]

Will: Should we stop them or something?

Ali: Nah. I'm kinda hoping Annie'll snap Gertie's neck like a brittle twig and save me the trouble of doing it myself.

Will: Cool!

[They exit. The chorus men re-enter, carrying pots and pans and other noisemaking implements, and start making shitfucktons of noise.]

The Men: AAAHHHHHH LOUD NOISES

The Audience: And what exactly is the point of this?

Hammerstein: SHUT UP IT'S A RESPECTED CULTURAL TRADITION

[And then they throw Laurey and Curly out of a second-story window. The rest of the chorus enters.]

The Men: WOOOOOO

[Jud enters, drunk and angry.]

Jud: Wedding party still goin' on? Glad I ain't too late. I got a present for the bride... but first, I'm gonna kiss the groom.

Curly: Wait, what?

Jud: I mean... the bride. I'm gonna kiss the bride.

Curly: Oh. Right.

[Curly and Jud fight. Jud pulls a knife, Curly throws him down, and Jud falls on said knife like a little bitch.]

Everyone: LOOK AT US PRETEND TO CARE

Curly: Serves the bastard right. I mean... OH NO WHAT A TRAGEDY

[Some people go to turn over the body.]

Random Cowboy: "DON'T YOU TETCH IT"

Cord Elam: Yeah, I think he's dead.

Slim: LET'S GET HIM TO THE DOCTOR

Cord Elam: He just took a knife to the chest and he's not breathing anymore. He's already dead, man.

Slim: FUCK OFF, CORD

[A bunch of men carry Jud's body offstage, followed by Curly and Cord Elam.]

Laurey: Soooo even though I just saw a man get killed, I'm only upset because it's affecting my wedding day!

The Audience: Yeah, you and Curly deserve each other. Have an awesome life.

Aunt Eller: Something something folksy wisdom!

Laurey: Thanks, Aunt Eller! You make everything better!

[The men re-enter.]

Curly: Yeah, Jud's totally dead. Also, even though this has never been brought up before now, Cord Elam is a federal marshal and he thinks I should turn myself in for murder or manslaughter or something.

Everyone: OH NO

Laurey: But we're supposed to catch a train to go on our honeymoon!

Everyone: OH NOOOOOOOO

Aunt Eller: Speaking of stuff that's never been brought up before, now seems like a good time to mention that Old Man Carnes is the local judge! Let's just have the trial right now!

The Audience: GODDAMMIT STOP PULLING STUFF OUT OF YOUR ASS

Hammerstein: MAKE ME

Carnes: Okay, Curly, I'm just going to enter your plea for you and tell you everything to say.

Cord Elam: Um... this is a mockery of the American judicial system. Am I the only one who has a problem with the way this trial is going?

Aunt Eller: SHUT YOUR MOUTH OR I'LL TELL YOUR WIFE YOU MOLEST LITTLE BOYS

Everyone: YEAH CORD STOP BEING A DICK

The Audience: Soooo these people just rigged a trial and blackmailed a federal official. Why exactly are we supposed to be rooting for them?

Carnes: In our defense, no one liked Jud anyway -- so you can't expect us to care that much.

Cord Elam: This is seriously wrong, you guys. A man is dead, and his killer needs to be given a legitimate trial.

Everyone: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Slim: "C'mon, fellers! Let's pull them to the train in Curly's surrey! And we'll be the horses!"

[Everyone cheers.]

Carnes: WAIT JUST A GODDAMN MINUTE THE TRIAL ISN'T OVER YET

Laurey: Just let us go on our honeymoooooooon

Carnes: I HEREBY ACQUIT CURLY MCLAIN OF ANY WRONGDOING IN THE DEATH OF JUD FRY AND I ALSO SENTENCE CORD ELAM TO TEN LASHES IN THE PUBLIC SQUARE FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE

Everyone: YAAAAAAY

[Curly and Laurey get ready to leave, and Will arrives with Ado Annie. Their clothes are messed up and they're covered in straw.]

Ado Annie: I JUST HAD SEEEEEX
AND IT FELT SO GOOD

Will: ADO ANNIE LET ME PUT MY PENIS INSIDE OF HER

The Audience: Yeah, we get it. Thanks.

Everyone: AND NOW WE WILL HAVE A REPRISE OF EVERY SONG IN THE GODDAMN SHOW

Rodgers: ISN'T IT SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

The Audience: Actually, this really only convinced us that everyone in Oklahoma is a huge asshole and we should never, ever go there. But thanks anyway!

Rodgers: ... goddammit.

[End of the show.]