Operagasm: Turn of the Screw, Act I

Act I: The Prologue, who is an actual person for some reason, enters in front of the curtain.

Prologue: Honestly, you'd think someone would have seen this coming. I mean... an old mansion in the countryside, occupied only by an old housekeeper and two creepy children? COME ON. That's right up there with "five teenagers go off to a cabin in the woods where there's no cell phone reception and where a series of grisly murders occurred twenty years ago TO THE DAY and no one thinks that maybe they're tempting fate by being there and then someone commits the unforgivable sin of having sex or being black or sometimes BOTH and from that point on its just screaming and blood and entrails and --"

The Audience: Hey, could you possibly get to the point?

Prologue: -- right. Sorry. Soooo this lady, whom we'll just call The Governess and who'll never get a real name because I'm too lazy to think of one, has just accepted a job taking care of two children at an old English estate called Bly House. The problem is that she only accepted the job because she wants to bone the guy who interviewed her, who happens to be the children's uncle and only living relative. To make matters worse, said uncle is kind of a douchebag and wants nothing to do with the children, so The Governess isn't allowed to contact him for any reason at all. Ever.

The Audience: Yeah, that's not foreboding at all.

Prologue: I know, right? But for some reason, she doesn't see this as a warning sign. Honestly, I'm half-convinced that the uncle is some sort of diabolical mastermind and he set this whole situation up as some sort of twisted psychological experiment -- 'cause some seriously fucked-up shit is about to go down, and then you find out that things like this have actually happened before --

The Audience: DUDE. SPOILERS.

Prologue: Shit. Yeah, I'll just let you see for yourself.

[Prologue exits. He's never heard from again.]

Scene 1: The Journey

[The curtain comes up on The Governess, who's in a carriage en route to Bly.]

The Governess: Oh man, I'm pretty nervous about this whole situation -- not because it's super creepy or anything, but mostly because I'm wondering how I'm going to get that hot guy to nail me even though he basically said he never wanted to see or hear from me again.

The Audience: Wooooow. She's really well-adjusted.

The Governess: I wonder what the children will be like...

The Audience: If we know our haunted house stories at all, they'll probably be creepy as all hell.

Britten: Yuuuuuup.

The Governess: In any case, I'm sure things will turn out fine as long as I believe in myself!

Britten: Nnnnnnope.

The Governess: I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN SUNSHINE
I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN RAAAAAAAIN

Rodgers and Hammerstein: STOP STEALING OUR SHIT

Britten: Actually, this opera came out several years before The Sound of Music, so you guys can suck it.

Rodgers and Hammerstein: Well at least people actually like our music.

Britten: You know what? Fuck you guys.

Scene 2: The Welcome

[We see the inside of Bly House. The two children, Flora and Miles, are busy being dicks to the housekeeper, Mrs. Grose.]

Flora: MISSUS GROOOOOOSE WHEN IS OUR NEW GOVERNESS GOING TO GET HERE

Miles: DO YOU THINK SHE'LL BE PRETTY AND NICE OR WILL SHE JUST BE A MEAN OLD HAG LIKE YOU

Mrs. Grose: WOULD YOU CHILDREN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET READY

[She makes the children practice bowing and curtsying. Enter The Governess.]

The Governess: Hey girl haaaaaaay

[Miles and Flora suddenly stop being assholes and are the model of politeness.]

The Governess: What delightful children!

Mrs. Grose: HAHAHA YES THEY ARE LITTLE ANGELS AND I'M NEVER EVER TEMPTED TO SMOTHER THEM IN THEIR SLEEP

The Governess: I think I'm going to like it here!

Mrs. Grose: They can be a lot to handle sometimes, but I'm sure an energetic young woman like you will be up to the task.

The Governess: Of course! What could possibly go wrong?

The Audience: NO NO GODDAMMIT YOU NEVER SAY THAT

Miles and Flora: Come play with us, Governess! Forever... and ever... and ever...

The Governess: Yes indeed, everything at Bly is going to be perfectly wonderful from now on!

The Audience: [facepalm]

Scene 3: The Letter

[Some time later, in another part of the house.]

Mrs. Grose: Hey, there's a letter here for you -- but I'm sure it's nothing foreboding.

The Governess: Me too!

[She opens and reads the letter.]

The Governess: Fuck. It's something foreboding.

Mrs. Grose: What does it say?

The Governess: Apparently, Miles has been expelled from his school.

Mrs. Grose: Does it say why?

The Governess: Not really. It just says something about a... "noodle incident." And that he will never be allowed to set foot on the property again.

Mrs. Grose: Shit.

The Governess: I know, right? Could Miles actually be... bad?

Mrs. Grose: Bad bad? A bad boy?

The Governess: bad bad bad bad

Mrs. Grose: bad bad bad bad

Britten: DO YOU GET THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE A RECURRING THEME OF THE OPERA

The Audience: YES WE GET IT JUST STOP MAKING EVERYONE SAY BAD

[The Governess and Mrs. Grose look over and see Miles and Flora playing together.]

Miles and Flora: something something nursery rhyme
we're so wholesoooooome

The Governess: Ohmigaaawwwd they're so cute! Miles could never do anything bad!

Mrs. Grose: Soooo what are we gonna do?

The Governess: As the children's sole caretaker, I'm going to do the only responsible thing I can -- ignore the problem completely and pretend nothing ever happened!

Mrs. Grose: Good call!

Scene 4: The Tower

[The Governess is walking outside. A tower on the house is visible in the background.]

The Governess: Wow, it's so pretty here. I just wish the children's douche-y uncle were here, so he could see how well I do his bidding!

The Audience: Wow. When exactly did this turn into Fifty Shades of Grey: The Opera?

The Governess: I JUST NEED TO GET LAID

The Audience: Yeah, we noticed.

The Governess: Ahem. Anyway, yeah. I love it here.

[A figure appears in the window of the tower.]

The Governess: HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHO THE FUCK IS THAT

[The figure disappears.]

The Governess: OH NOOOOOOO

Scene 5: The Window

[Back inside the house. As you probably already guessed, there's a window. Miles and Flora run on, playing with a hobby horse. This is definitely not a visual euphemism.]

Miles and Flora: WE COMMUNICATE ENTIRELY THROUGH THE USE OF NURSERY RHYMES

Miles: SOMETHING SOMETHING STEALING A PIG

Flora: SOMETHING SOMETHING BEATING SMALL CHILDREN

The Audience: HOW CAN NO ONE SEE HOW CREEPY YOU LITTLE BASTARDS ARE

[The Governess enters as the children run out.]

The Governess: Christ. Always with the nursery rhymes.

[The same figure appears at the window.]

The Governess: JESUS FUCK

[Mrs. Grose enters.]

Mrs. Grose: Um... is everything okay?

The Governess: HELL NO THERE'S SOME CREEPY DUDE HANGING AROUND THE PROPERTY AND HE PROBABLY WANTS TO MOLEST THE CHILDREN

Mrs. Grose: Huh. What'd he look like?

The Governess: Red hair, pale skin, piercing eyes that seem to stare deep into your soul?

Mrs. Grose: Well, fuck.

The Governess: What's wrong?

Mrs. Grose: The good news is that it's not anyone from the village.

The Governess: What's the bad news?

Mrs. Grose: It's totally a ghost.

The Governess: You've gotta be shitting me.

Mrs. Grose: And the even worse news is that he actually does want to molest the children.

The Governess: GODDAMMIT

The Audience: And this is why you NEVER EVER ask what could go wrong.

Mrs. Grose: Soooooo yeah. We're pretty much boned.

The Governess: Who is this ghost, anyway?

Mrs. Grose: Peter Quint, the late valet of Bly House. He was super sketchy and he may or may not have touched Miles in his special place.

The Governess: Why didn't you do anything?

Mrs. Grose: Snitches get stitches. Motherfucker said he'd cut me.

The Governess: And the children's uncle?

Mrs. Grose: Please. He wouldn't have wanted to be disturbed with anything so trivial as sexual misconduct. He was already so busy with his work in the athletic department at Penn State!

The Governess: [longing sigh]

Mrs. Grose: Anyway, Quint was also banging the last governess, Miss Jessel.

The Governess: Wait, what the fuck. Why does she get a name and I don't?

Britten: Meh. [shrug]

The Governess: So what happened to Miss Jessel?

Mrs. Grose: Oh, she went off somewhere and died.

The Governess: That's... really specific. Thanks.

Mrs. Grose: It was probably syphilis or something. Like you do.

The Governess: And Quint? What happened to him?

Mrs. Grose: He slipped on some ice and died. Cracked his head right open.

The Audience: That's a disappointingly mundane death for someone who's apparently the embodiment of evil and seduction.

Quint: I know, right?

Britten: GET OUT OF HERE YOUR VOCAL ENTRANCE ISN'T FOR ANOTHER THREE SCENES

Quint: Fiiiiiiiine.

[Quint disappears.]

The Governess: So the spirit of a depraved bisexual pedophile is haunting Bly House? He must be here for Miles!

Mrs. Grose: I don't follow your logic.

The Governess: You don't... you've gotta be kidding me. You told me that it was the ghost of Peter Quint. You also told me that he had molested Miles while he was still alive. With those two starting points, how is ghostly pedophilia even remotely a stretch of the imagination?

Mrs. Grose: [shrug]

The Governess: Goddammit. Whatever, I'll just have to protect the children myself.

Scene 6: The Lesson

[In the schoolroom. The Governess is tutoring Miles in Latin because he got himself kicked out of school. Flora is busy being obnoxious.]

The Governess: What are some masculine nouns, Miles?

Miles: Amnis, clunis, fustis, penis, torris, vectis, sanguis, lapis...

The Governess: Very good, Mi -- waaaaaait a minute. Did you just say penis?

Miles: Penis penis penis penis

Britten: ARE YOU GETTING THAT THIS OPERA HAS SEXUAL UNDERTONES

The Audience: Undertones, my ass. This is pretty friggin' blatant.

Flora: GOVERNESS LOOK AT MEEEEEEE

The Governess: Not now, Flora. Young master Miles must learn his Latin, or he'll end up as just another stupid son of a bitch that doesn't know the difference between a direct and an indirect object.

Me: No, but really. It's a problem.

The Governess: And what else can you say, Miles?

Miles: Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.

The Governess: Huh. Did it just get creepy in here?

The Audience: Yuuuuuuuup.

Scene 7: The Lake

[The Governess and Flora are walking by -- you guessed it -- a lake!]

Flora: Wooooooow it's so biiiiiiig

The Governess: It's really not that big.

Flora: It's like a sea!

The Governess: You're an idiot. I wish you were as smart as Miles. He's such a handsome boy, too... He looks so much like his uncle...

The Audience: Gross.

Flora: I think this is the Dead Sea. Dead dead dead.

The Governess: Look, bitch, just stop being creepy and go play with your dolly.

Flora: Can I be really creepy AND play with my dolly?

The Governess: Sure, whatever. Just leave me alone for two fucking minutes, would you? Mama needs a smoke.

Flora: GO TO SLEEP DOLLY
SLEEP THE SWEET SLEEP OF DEATH
YOUR MISTRESS COMMANDS IT

The Audience: Jesus Christ.

[A woman appears on the other side of the lake.]

The Governess: OH SHIT IT'S MISS JESSEL

The Audience: Okay, hold up. Mrs. Grose told you that the one ghost was Peter Quint, but she never gave you any description of what Miss Jessel looked like. That could literally be anyone.

The Governess: SHUT UP I KNOW IT'S HER

Britten: See, the main question of the opera is whether the ghosts are real or The Governess is going insane.

The Audience: Can it be both? Bitch be trippin' balls.

Britten: ... maaaaaybe.

The Governess: FLORA GO FIND MILES

Miles: [offstage] WHERE DID YOU BITCHES GOOOOO

[Flora hurries off to join Miles.]

The Governess: OH GOD THERE ARE TWO GHOSTS NOW THE CHILDREN ARE TOTALLY FUCKED

Scene 8: At Night

[Outside the house. Quint appears.]

Quint: Can I sing now?

Britten: Yes.

Quint: Awesome. MIIIIIIIILES

The Audience: Hey, isn't he the Prologue?

Britten: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Quint: MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILES

Miles: [entering] I'm here!

Quint: MIIIII-YI-YI-YI-YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILES

Miles: Dude, it's like...two in the morning. What the hell do you want?

Quint: You know, just to spout innuendo at a prepubescent boy. Like you do.

Miles: Oh. Okay, then.

Quint: I'M A STALLION AND I NEED SOMEONE TO RIDE ME

Miles: Seems legit.

Quint: SOMETHING SOMETHING HARD
SOMETHING SOMETHING SMOOTH
SOMETHING SOMETHING HALF-FORMED DESIRES

The Audience: Um... is anyone else hella uncomfortable right now?

[Miss Jessel enters.]

The Audience: Shit.

Miss Jessel: FLOOOORAAAAAAA

[Flora enters.]

Flora: WHAT THE SHIT DO YOU WANT

Miss Jessel: COME TO ME

Flora: ... 'kay.

Miss Jessel: Yes... come... come...

The Audience: Gross.

Miss Jessel: COME MY LADY COME COME MY LADY
BE MY BUTTERFLY... SUGAR... BABY

The Audience: No. Just........ no.

Quint and Miss Jessel: SOMETHING SOMETHING BLATANT INNUENDO

[The Governess and Mrs. Grose enter.]

The Governess: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDS DOING OUT OF BED

Mrs. Grose: THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

[Mrs. Grose takes Flora inside. The Governess stays to chastise Miles.]

The Governess: Seriously, though. What the fuck is wrong with you.

Miles: See? I'm a bad boy. Bad bad bad bad

The Audience: WE GET IT JUST STOP SAYING BAD

[End of Act I.]

Next Installment: Act II