Cinema Snark: I Am Number Four

There's a sinking feeling I get in my gut when I see a trailer for a movie I know is going to be absolute shit, but I also know deep down that I'm gonna go see it anyway. That's how it was with I Am Number Four, the latest angsty-teen-supernatural-romance-bullshit-but-hey-look-at-that-cool-violence movie. (Actually, that trailer makes it look way the hell cooler than it ended up being.)

Blah blah, evil aliens with shark faces are killing off the last survivors of another alien race who are hiding on Earth, blah blah, nine alien teenagers are developing unique superpowers. Also, the good aliens have to be killed in sequential order for some reason. Three of them are dead, and teen heartthrob/douchebag Alex Prettyboy Pettyfer is Number Four, so OH SHIT HE'S NEXT AHHH and yeah I could give a shit. His real name is never mentioned; he's always referred to by his number or whatever fake human name he happens to be using at the time, which leads me to believe that this defunct alien race was some sort of totalitarian society that didn't believe in names because they promote individuality and self-expression. You know, maybe those murderous shark-people in black trenchcoats are actually the good guys, freeing the galaxy from the tyranny of the Whatever-the-Fuck-Those-Number-People-are-Called race!

But wait, that would actually be interesting--so of course that can't happen.

No, the movie pretty much takes the standard approach to the whole "high school student with superpowers" thing, and it works about as well as it ever does--which is to say that it makes me wonder if anyone who writes movies or TV shows about kids in high school ever actually went to high school at all. Everything is so shitty and cliched and oh wait, who did you say wrote this?

Oh.

That's right, the screenwriters were Alfred Gough and Miles Millar, the dubious duo responsible for Smallville. Everything suddenly makes sense now: the bad dialogue, the forced love plot, the angst about having keep your superpowers a secret... Yeah, this all sounds very familiar. Pardon me while I shoot myself in the face.

Honestly, there was nothing at all about this movie that was worth my time or money except the violence. Oh, and the scene where Four's guardian (Timothy Olyphant, who seems to have a thing for starring in shitty action movies) tells him to man the fuck up and stop being such a whiny little bitch about wanting to tap Quinn Fabray's fine jailbait ass. Because that was priceless.

Honestly, the whole reason I went to see the movie is because I like the whole "badass telekinetic guy" character type that seems to have emerged in the past few years. Telekinesis has always been a useful power, but telekinetics were often depicted as being frail--i.e. mental powers were generally associated with physical weakness. To make matters worse, the power tended to be limited either to defensive tactics, moving relatively small objects, or moving larger objects very slowly. To be honest, I didn't think telekinesis was that cool when I was a kid--I would have preferred shooting eye beams like Cyclops.

But now, with movies like Push and games like The Force Unleashed, you have a new (usually male) breed of telekinetic. He's physically tough, he knows how to use his power to attack and defend, and he can toss people around like fucking ragdolls because he's badass. There's much less focus on the physical and mental exertion that goes into the power, and it's often implied that it's actually easier to throw someone through a wall than it is to control the outcome of a die roll. Massive power comes naturally, but finesse takes time and experience.

I Am Number Four definitely follows the new model, which makes its action sequences really cool to watch. Unfortunately, that's the only thing the movie has going for it at all. It's not really worth the time and effort it would take to properly shred the rest of the movie, so I'll just leave you with some bullet points:

- The movie never explains why the nine alien children are numbered sequentially, or why they have to be killed in numerical order. That's lazy and arbitrary storytelling.
- The villains are terrible. Half the time they're supposed to be creepy and they're not, and then they start talking and they're just plain retarded.
- The name "John Smith" raises more flags than it lowers. It's like calling yourself "John Doe" and expecting that no one will notice you've given yourself a fake name. If you want generic, call your superpowered alien child "Tim Johnson" or something. Jesus.
- Apparently Number Four's glowy-hands and his telekinesis are two completely separate powers... except for when he uses them to do exactly the same thing.
- Cool girls don't look at explosions.
- The whole "use your hand powers to recharge me" thing is the most obvious sex metaphor I have ever seen, right down to the orgasm.
- Speaking of lazy storytelling, "members of our alien race only fall in love with one person ever in life" is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Especially because the love interest in question is human and you don't even know that she can reproduce with you. You know what would make sense? Reproducing with another member of your nigh-extinct race, who has powers of her own, has saved your life like six times in the span of twenty minutes, is probably better in bed than the artsy chick, and clearly wants your glowy-hands alllllllll over her.
- Yeah, just don't go see the movie. It's terrible.