Operagasm: Don Giovanni

So, some of you may be wondering why I haven't posted anything here in over two weeks. Or maybe not. Maybe you're wondering why men have nipples, or why Adam Sandler hasn't yet been put to death for his crimes against humanity. I can't say I blame you--I've wondered about both of those things myself, and for quite some time. But whatever the case, I have been remiss in my duties as a purveyor of fine snark, and I feel that you loyal readers deserve some actual content after my unannounced hiatus.

In any case, the past week and a half has seen me move from Silver Spring to Binghamton, learn an entire opera role, and scamper off to Astoria to stay with my sister for six weeks while I do an opera program that will culminate in my New York City debut as Masetto in Don Giovanni. So yeah, it's been pretty damn busy--hence the cobwebs you might see appearing in the corners of the blog.

But no more! Now that I've more or less settled in, I thought it seemed like the perfect time to provide some commentary on my actual profession, as opposed to just blathering on about movies and comics and time travel like I usually do. I've still got two movies to review (X-Men: First Class is great and full of MANLY TEARS), but fuck it. I'd rather do this right now.

So! Let's talk about Don Giovanni.

If you don't know the story, you can familiarize yourself here. If you're too lazy to read the whole synopsis, however, it goes something like this: Don Giovanni is the mack-daddy to end all mack-daddies (that's the hip slang that all of today's youngsters are using, right?), and he spends pretty much every waking moment looking for places to stick his junk. The first scene has him raping a woman (Donna Anna) and killing her father (the Commendatore), and he pretty much spends the rest of the opera trying to get laid, getting cock-blocked by a vengeful ex (Donna Elvira), and avoiding the large numbers of people who want to kill his bitch ass dead (i.e. everyone except his servant Leporello) because he's a rapist and a murderer and whatnot. Eventually, he meets a living statue of the man he murdered and invites it to dinner at his house because why the fuck not. The statue shows up and literally drags him to hell, and then the other characters show up and sing a final sextet giving the moral of the story: "Thus ends the life of he who does evil."

Okay. That's a noble sentiment and all, but I'm afraid it's a tad misleading. Think of it this way:

Don Giovanni was extremely good at two things: getting laid and evading capture. His list of conquests adds up to over two thousand women from all over Europe (hell, he even boned ninety-one in Turkey), so it's pretty reasonable to assume that the lynch mobs he faces over the course of the opera aren't the first he's ever had to deal with. It's not clear if he had actually killed anyone before shanking the Commendatore, but he has two instances of attempted (possibly successful?) rape within the first act alone, so it's pretty clear that that's his standard course of action when regular seduction fails. Now, rape is the sort of thing that attracts attention--in fact, it's the sort of thing that makes people want to hunt you down and cut off your junk--so it's almost certain that people have tried to kill him on numerous occasions. And yet, he's still going strong after 2,065 catalogued conquests--with every indication that he'll keep boning his way around Europe until he keels over from a heart attack at age 70 while he's balls-deep in a buxom tavern wench. This is a man who is absurdly good at escaping justice.

So really, the moral of the opera isn't "don't be a murderous sociopath with a taste for rape," because that's not what gets him killed. The moral should be "DON'T BE A FUCKING MORON."

Don Giovanni is an idiot who invites his own death. Literally. He's walking through a graveyard and hears a disembodied voice predicting his doom, and then runs smack into a statue of the Commendatore--a statue which A) has a foreboding inscription swearing vengeance upon the man's murderer, and B) may or may not be alive. So he invites the statue to dinner. AND THEN IT NODS. AND SAYS "YES." Now, the normal reaction to that would be something like "Holy SHIT it's time to get the fuck out of here," but Don Giovanni's reaction is more along the lines of "Whoa, it said yes! This is going to be the coolest dinner EVER. " And then he goes home, even though everyone in Seville is looking for him and wants him dead.

Seriously, it's like he's lost all will to live by the second half of Act Two. Elvira finds him at home and basically tells him that he needs to repent for his crimes, and he just laughs at her until she leaves. He doesn't seem to care that she could tell everyone else where he's hiding. Aaaaaand then the statue of the Commendatore shows up, and Don Giovanni is all like "Hey, Leporello, bring some food for our guest!" instead of shitting himself like anyone with half a brain would. Then the statue invites Don Giovanni to come have dinner at its place, and the jackass says yes. And then, even as the statue has him by the hand and is about to drag him down to hell for an eternity of suffering, it gives him one last chance to repent and possibly save his soul.

Guess what Don Giovanni's response is.

The guy's like a troll on an internet message board who just won't stop being a dick even as the moderator is about to ban him. In fact, I'm pretty sure that some newer English translations of the opera have him shouting "I DID IT FOR THE LUUUUUUULZ" as he's being dragged down to hell.

In fact, that internet stuff makes me wonder: if someone were to take Don Giovanni and adapt it for modern audiences, what sort of wacky hijinks would ensue?

Durden Giovanni: Leporello is an unhappy, unsuccessful young man with a boring life and a terrible job--but one day, everything changes. He gets fired, he loses his house, and he meets an enigmatic young nobleman named Don Giovanni, who hires him as a servant. Giovanni is everything Leporello wishes he could be: charming, handsome, rich, and knee-deep in bitches. For the first time ever, things are looking up for Leporello--until the Don's sexcapades finally piss off the wrong people, and Leporello wakes up in his master's clothes. Suddenly, everyone wants Don Giovanni dead--and everyone seems to agree that Leporello looks exactly like the man they're looking for. Leporello has to figure out what's going on, and discover Don Giovanni's dark secret before it's too late.
Notable Quotes: "You broke our agreement, Leporello. You talked to Elvira about the List."
Rated R for language, drug use, and graphic sexual content.

D. N. Jovanimasu: Sousuke is a normal high school student with a big problem: whenever he gets aroused, he transforms into Donu Jovanimasu, the Phantom Pervert! He tries to keep a low profile, but Eruvira-senpai (the school's resident nymphomaniac) knows his secret, and wants to turn him into her own personal sex slave! To make matters worse, Sousuke is being pursued by the mysterious Komenu-Datore, a killer robot who has a score to settle with Donu Jovanimasu! Oh, and there's some tentacle rape, too. Will Sousuke ever be able to confess his true feelings for the beautiful Anna-kun, or will his alter-ego's numerous enemies and admirers get to him first??
Notable Quotes: "WATASHI WA DONU JOVANIMASUUUUUUUUU"
For mature viewers only.
This series will never air in the United States. Ever.

"Don Juan," from Old Spice: "Hello, ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back to your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me--but he could smell like me, if he stopped being cuckolded long enough to buy Old Spice's Don Juan deodorant. Look down. Look up. You're now pregnant with my child. I'm on a horse! And it's riding out of your life forever. Peace out."
Available now!

This blog post IS NOW DIAMONDS.