Previous installment: Act I
Act II, Scene 1: Colloquy and Soliloquy
[Quint and Miss Jessel appear onstage. Since their presence and interaction when no one else is around would suggest pretty definitively that the ghosts are real and not a figment of The Governess' imagination, it's not uncommon for directors to have The Governess appear in the scene before her vocal entrance.]
The Director: Ambiguity!
The Audience: Goddammit.
The Director: Screw you guys; I do what I want.
Miss Jessel: Quiiiiiiiiiint
Quint: The fuck do you want?
Miss Jessel: Quiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiint don't abandon meeeeeee
Quint: Whatever, bitch. Just leave me alone; I'm looking for a friend.
Miss Jessel: I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND
Quint: I'm looking for something more along the lines of a "friend with benefits."
Miss Jessel: I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND WITH BENEFITS
Quint: No offense, but you're not really my type. Vagina is pretty much my kryptonite.
Miss Jessel: But what about our affair?
Quint: I mean... we had our fun and all, but right now I'm more in the market for a discreet, nubile, prepubescent boy.
Britten: Who isn't?
The Audience: GROSS
Britten: Fuck off, haters.
Quint: "I seek a friend -- obedient to follow where I lead, slick as a juggler's mate to catch my thought; proud, curious, agile, he shall feed my mounting power."
The Audience: Wow. Subtlety isn't really your thing, is it.
Miss Jessel: But Quiiiiiint I loooooove youuuuuuu
Quint: Look. If you want to get some action, maybe you could try lezzing it up with Flora. She looks like she'd be into it.
Miss Jessel: ... you know what? I like the way you think.
Quint: So it's decided! We'll both corrupt the children with our seductive whisperings!
The Audience: Wait. Weren't both of you doing that already?
Miss Jessel: Well, yes, but --
The Audience: And furthermore, what exactly is the point of all this?
Quint: I don't understand the question.
The Audience: Like... are you trying to actually possess the children, or are you just trying to corrupt them because you have some sort of ghostly categorical imperative to be complete dicks?
Quint: Uhh....
Miss Jessel: You see, the thing is...
[Awkward silence.]
Britten: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE AMBIGUOUS
Quint: Yeah. What he said.
The Audience: [exasperated sigh]
Quint and Miss Jessel: GHOST RAPE HIGH FIVE
[The lights come up on The Governess.]
The Governess: Sooooo I've basically just realized that I'm completely useless. And maybe I'm also going crazy? Stay tuned to find out!
Scene 2: The Bells
[The scene changes to a church next to a graveyard because everything in this opera has to be at least a little creepy. Miles and Flora enter, singing a hymn, and sit on a grave.]
Britten: SYMBOLISM
The Audience: Yeah, thanks for the heads-up.
Miles and Flora: PRAISE YE THE LORD, BITCHES
[The Governess and Mrs. Grose enter.]
The Governess: WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY SO CREEPY
Miles and Flora: Praise ye the Lord, cute fluffy animals!
Mrs. Grose: Um... they're just singing a hymn. Are you okay?
The Governess: Hell no, I'm not okay. There's something wrong with the children. They're being so... unnaturally good!
Mrs. Grose: So let me get this straight. You're complaining because they're not screaming and fighting and breaking the furniture?
The Governess: YES
Mrs. Grose: Yeah, you're fucking insane.
The Audience: I know, right?
The Governess: Just listen to them -- they're speaking horrors!
Miles and Flora: The Beast and his armies will rise from the pit to make war against God.
The Governess: THERE DID YOU HEAR THAT
Mrs. Grose: Hear what?
Miles and Flora: Praise ye the Lord, adorable chirpy songbirds!
The Governess: NO YOU LYING LITTLE BASTARDS
Mrs. Grose: Um.... yeah. I think you need to lie down. Maybe take a Xanax or something.
The Governess: I'm telling you, they're in the thrall of those fucking ectoplasmic pedophiles!
Mrs. Grose: Quint and Whatshername?
The Governess: EXACTLY
Mrs. Grose: Welllllllll if the only side-effect is that Miles and Flora start being unnaturally well-behaved, maybe it's not actually that much of a problem.
The Governess: NOOO THEIR SOULS ARE IN DANGER
Mrs. Grose: Okay, so maybe you should write to their uncle.
The Governess: I can't! Uncle Hotpants said that I wasn't to disturb him under any circumstances.
Mrs. Grose: ... Uncle Hotpants?
The Governess: SHUT UP I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN FOREVER
Mrs. Grose: Yeah, I can tell. If you want my opinion, you should just keep ignoring the problem and it'll go away!
Miles and Flora: PRAISE YE THE LOOOORD
[Mrs. Grose takes Flora into the church. Miles comes over to The Governess.]
Miles: Sooooo can I ever go back to school, or are you just gonna keep tutoring me at home forever?
The Governess: Why would you ever want to go back to school? Don't you loooove meeeeee?
The Audience: Wow. Bitch be clingy.
Miles: I want to be around other kids. Preferably ones who aren't related to me.
The Governess: If I let you go back to school, will there be any more noodle incidents?
Miles: Maaaybe. So are you going to tell my uncle about the ghosts?
The Governess: Wait, what?
Miles: Nothing. PRAISE YE THE LOOOOORD
[Miles goes into the church.]
The Governess: OH SHIT THE GHOSTS KNOW ABOUT MY PLAN I HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
Scene 3: Miss Jessel
[Back in the schoolroom. The Governess enters to find Miss Jessel sitting at her desk.]
The Governess: JESUS FUCK WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
Miss Jessel: BITCH I WAS HERE FIRST
The Governess: BITCH YOU'RE DEAD SO GTFO
Miss Jessel: I'M NEVER GONNA LEAVE AND ALSO I'M GONNA MOLEST FLORA
The Governess: NUH-UH THESE ARE MY CHILDREN AND THIS IS MY DESK SO YOU CAN JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF
Miss Jessel: ... 'kay.
[Miss Jessel disappears.]
The Governess: Well, I guess I can't actually abandon the children after all. Time to write to their uncle!
[She gets out some paper and a pen.]
The Governess: [writing] Dear Sir,
I hope this letter finds you in good health. I'm just writing to see how you're doing and also to tell you that your niece and nephew are possessed by ghosts or some shit so maybe you should do something but I have no idea what.
Sincerely,
That Nameless Lady You Hired to Take Care of the Children.
[She seals the letter.]
The Governess: Soooo I think I'll just leave it here on the desk. What could go wrong?
Scene 4: The Bedroom
[Miles is sitting in his bedroom with his shoes off. The room is lit by a candle.]
Miles: Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit...
COME IN, GOVERNESS
[The Governess enters.]
The Governess: Why aren't you asleep yet, Miles?
Miles: Good question. I'll answer with another one: why the hell are you creeping around my bedroom door in the middle of the night?
The Audience: Yeah, it's a little molest-y.
The Governess: I was just checking to make sure you children were all right and not wandering around the garden again.
Miles: Whatever. If you want a little somethin'-somethin', all you have to do is ask.
The Audience: ... ew.
Miles: Also, I'm going to call you "my dear" from now on and start acting sexually aggressive. Sound good?
The Governess: Huh. Is it wrong that I'm a little turned on right now?
The Audience: YES
The Governess: In any case, I've just written a letter to your uncle. It's just sitting out in the open on my desk, where I'm sure nothing will happen to it.
Miles: Duly noted.
The Governess: So, I just want to know... is there anything you want to tell me?
Miles: About what?
The Governess: Oh, I don't know... maybe about ghosts? Or pedophiles?
Quint: [offstage] MILES DON'T TELL HER SHIT
Miles: Nothing springs to mind.
The Governess: Maybe about what happened at school? Or what happened here before I arrived?
Quint: KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT MILES SHE'S A FUCKING NARC
Miles: Nope. I'm good.
[The candle goes out.]
The Governess: HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHO DID THAT
Miles: Calm your tits, bitch. I blew it out.
The Governess: Oh. Well, that was anticlimactic.
The Audience: I know, right?
Scene 5: Quint
[Quint appears.]
Quint: MILES SHE'S WRITTEN A LETTER TO YOUR UNCLE AND SHE'S GOING TO TELL HIM EVERYTHING AND RUIN ALL OUR FUN SO I THINK YOU SHOULD STEAL THE LETTER AND HIDE IT
Miles: Sounds reasonable.
[Miles creeps into the schoolroom and steals the letter from the desk.]
Scene 6: The Piano
The Audience: Wait, what happened to Scene 5? Was that it?
Britten: Yuuuuuup.
[Miles is playing the piano while The Governess and Mrs. Grose listen. Flora is sitting by herself and playing cat's cradle because neither of her caretakers give a shit about anything she does.]
The Governess: THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL MILES
Mrs. Grose: PLAY IT AGAIN
The Governess: YOU'RE SO SMART AND HANDSOME
Flora: [holding up her strings] Look what I can do!
The Governess and Mrs. Grose: SHUT UP FLORA WE WEREN'T TALKING TO YOU
[The Governess takes Mrs. Grose aside.]
The Governess: [whispering] The eagle is in the nest. I repeat, the eagle is in the nest.
Mrs. Grose: I have no idea what the fuck that's supposed to mean.
The Governess: It means that I wrote a letter to the children's uncle, but I didn't want to say it out loud because GHOSTS
Mrs. Grose: You really need to get yourself some medication.
The Governess: Shut up. Just mail it for me, would you? It's on my desk in the schoolroom.
Mrs. Grose: Why don't you do it yourself?
The Governess: Don't be ridiculous. If I mailed it myself, I would have some sort of assurance that it was actually going to reach its intended destination!
The Audience: [facepalm]
Miles: What are you guys talking about?
The Governess: NOTHING AT ALL JUST KEEP PLAYING
Flora: WILL ONE OF YOU BITCHES PAY ATTENTION TO ME
Mrs. Grose: [sighing] Fiiiiiine.
[Mrs. Grose goes over and joins Flora.]
Mrs. Grose and Flora: WOOOO CAT'S CRADLE
Flora: Hey, Mrs. Grose -- could you do me a favor and look deep into my eyes for a second?
Mrs. Grose: I don't see why not.
Flora: You're getting very sleepy. I think you should take a nap.
Mrs. Grose: Sounds like a plan.
[Mrs. Grose falls asleep and Flora slips out of the room.]
The Audience: Okay, we know she's possessed and evil or whatever, but that hypnotism shit was actually pretty badass.
[The Governess looks around.]
The Governess: OH SHIT FLORA'S GONE
The Audience: Someone needs to tell her that she's a terrible governess.
The Governess: MRS. GROSE WAKE YOUR OLD ASS UP WE HAVE TO GO FIND FLORA
Mrs. Grose: So we're both going to look for the one child and just leave the other one alone at home?
The Governess: Fuck Miles; he's evil now. He was playing fancy shit on the piano to distract me while Flora left.
Mrs. Grose: I mean, we could take him along with us. That might be safer.
The Governess: NO
[Mrs. Grose and The Governess rush out. Miles smiles like the deranged little bastard he is and starts playing the Twilight Zone theme.]
Scene 7: Flora
[Back by the lake. Flora really fucking loves it out there, apparently.]
The Governess: [offstage] FLORA WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU
[The Governess and Mrs. Grose enter and find Flora standing by the water.]
Mrs. Grose: There you are! We've been worried sick!
The Governess: I KNOW YOU'RE IN LEAGUE WITH THE GHOSTS YOU LITTLE BITCH
Mrs. Grose: ... some of us more so than others...
[Miss Jessel appears on the other side of the lake.]
The Governess: AAAHHH IT'S MISS JESSEL
Mrs. Grose: Where?
Miss Jessel: Flooooooraaaaaaaa
The Governess: DON'T YOU SEE HER SHE'S RIGHT THERE
Mrs. Grose: Um... there's no one else here.
The Governess: NO SHE'S TOTALLY HERE
Mrs. Grose: Oooookay. I think you need to have a nice long chat with some men in white coats.
The Governess: FLORA YOU SEE HER DON'T YOU
Miss Jessel: Nooooo Flooooraaaa don't say anythiiiiiiing
Flora: Nope. I can't see shit.
Mrs. Grose: It's okay, sweetheart; no one's there. The Governess is just going crazy and babbling about ghosts.
The Governess: BITCH YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME THERE WERE GHOSTS IN THE FIRST PLACE
Mrs. Grose: I have no idea what you're talking about.
The Governess: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE
The Audience: Hey, maybe Mrs. Grose is working with the ghosts!
M. Night Shyamalan: Or maybe she's a ghost too! Maybe they've all been dead this whole time!
The Audience: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD IDEA IN YEARS
The Governess: Seriously, Flora. I know you can see Miss Jessel too, so STOP LYING
Flora: SOMEBODY GET THIS CRAZY WOMAN AWAY FROM ME
Mrs. Grose: Yeah, maybe it's time to take you home.
The Governess: TELL ME YOU CAN SEE MISS JESSEL
Flora: I CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING AND ALSO I HATE YOU
[Mrs. Grose takes Flora away and Miss Jessel disappears.]
The Governess: Soooo Flora is clearly a lost cause and her soul is doomed to damnation, but I think I'm going to be more upset about the fact that she said she hates me!
The Audience: Yeah, you're a fucking nutcase.
Scene 8: Miles
[The Governess arrives back at the house to find Mrs. Grose and Flora in their traveling clothes.]
The Governess: Are you guys going somewhere?
Mrs. Grose: Yeah, I'm taking her the hell away from here. You were totally right, by the way. Ghosts. Possession. Evil.
The Governess: What changed your mind?
Mrs. Grose: Flora... said some things to me. Some horrible things.
The Governess: Like what?
[Mrs. Grose whispers something in The Governess' ear. The Governess promptly projectile vomits all over the stage.]
The Governess: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
Mrs. Grose: Yeah. I know.
The Governess: Take her to Uncle Hotpants! He should have received my letter by now, so he'll know what to do.
Mrs. Grose: First of all, you dumb bitch, it's been less than an hour since you told me to mail your letter, which is definitely not enough time for it to reach London. Second, I never sent the damn letter in the first place because it wasn't where you said it was.
The Governess: Son of a bitch. MIIIILES GET YOUR ASS IN HERE
Mrs. Grose: Okay, we're leaving. Have fun with your final confrontation or whatever.
[Mrs. Grose leaves with Flora.]
The Governess: Soooo I failed Flora, but maybe I can save Miles! One out of two isn't bad.
[Miles enters.]
Miles: Hey, baby. Looks like we're alone at last. Wanna bang?
The Governess: Miles, you know I love you --
The Audience: In a kinda oppressive, controlling way...
The Governess: -- but we're just friends. No banging.
Miles: How about makeouts?
The Governess: Nnnnnnope. So hey, did you steal my letter?
Quint: [offstage] DON'T TELL HER ANYTHING
Miles: Um...
[Quint appears.]
Quint: SHE'S TRICKSY AND WE HATES HER
The Governess: It's okay; you can tell me.
Miles: Yeah, I stole the letter.
Quint: GODDAMMIT MILES
The Governess: And why did you take it?
Miles: To see what sort of mean shit you said about us.
Quint: MILES YOU'RE MIIIIIIIINE
The Governess: Did someone tell you to take it? Someone like... a ghost?
Quint: NO NO NO
Miles: Maybe.
The Governess: Tell me his name! All you have to do is speak his name and he'll never bother you again!
The Audience: Really? That would have been useful information back in Act I.
The Governess: Shut up.
The Audience: Also, when exactly did you become an expert on how to exorcise ghosts?
The Governess: I SAID SHUT UP
Quint: MILES YOU LITTLE BASTARD IF YOU SNITCH ON ME I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU
The Governess: JUST SAY HIS NAAAAME
Miles: PEEETER QUIIIIIIIIINT
Quint: GODDAMMIT
[Quint disappears. Miles runs to The Governess and they hug.]
The Governess: Yaaaaaaaay now everything will be happy and wonderful forever!
[She looks down and notices that Miles is dead.]
The Governess: ... son of a BITCH.
The Audience: Wait, what? That makes no goddamn sense. Did she smother him or something?
Britten: STOP ASKING QUESTIONS
The Audience: No, but really. Why is he dead now?
Britten: Because fuck you, that's why.
[The Governess cradles Miles' lifeless body and starts crying.]
The Governess: Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum faaaaciiiiiiit
The Audience: Jesus Christ.
Britten: The moral of the story is that homosexuals are dangerous and associating with them will lead to your death!
The Audience: But... weren't you gay?
Britten: SHUT UP
[End of the opera.]
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Operagasm: Turn of the Screw, Act I
Act I: The Prologue, who is an actual person for some reason, enters in front of the curtain.
Prologue: Honestly, you'd think someone would have seen this coming. I mean... an old mansion in the countryside, occupied only by an old housekeeper and two creepy children? COME ON. That's right up there with "five teenagers go off to a cabin in the woods where there's no cell phone reception and where a series of grisly murders occurred twenty years ago TO THE DAY and no one thinks that maybe they're tempting fate by being there and then someone commits the unforgivable sin of having sex or being black or sometimes BOTH and from that point on its just screaming and blood and entrails and --"
The Audience: Hey, could you possibly get to the point?
Prologue: -- right. Sorry. Soooo this lady, whom we'll just call The Governess and who'll never get a real name because I'm too lazy to think of one, has just accepted a job taking care of two children at an old English estate called Bly House. The problem is that she only accepted the job because she wants to bone the guy who interviewed her, who happens to be the children's uncle and only living relative. To make matters worse, said uncle is kind of a douchebag and wants nothing to do with the children, so The Governess isn't allowed to contact him for any reason at all. Ever.
The Audience: Yeah, that's not foreboding at all.
Prologue: I know, right? But for some reason, she doesn't see this as a warning sign. Honestly, I'm half-convinced that the uncle is some sort of diabolical mastermind and he set this whole situation up as some sort of twisted psychological experiment -- 'cause some seriously fucked-up shit is about to go down, and then you find out that things like this have actually happened before --
The Audience: DUDE. SPOILERS.
Prologue: Shit. Yeah, I'll just let you see for yourself.
[Prologue exits. He's never heard from again.]
Scene 1: The Journey
[The curtain comes up on The Governess, who's in a carriage en route to Bly.]
The Governess: Oh man, I'm pretty nervous about this whole situation -- not because it's super creepy or anything, but mostly because I'm wondering how I'm going to get that hot guy to nail me even though he basically said he never wanted to see or hear from me again.
The Audience: Wooooow. She's really well-adjusted.
The Governess: I wonder what the children will be like...
The Audience: If we know our haunted house stories at all, they'll probably be creepy as all hell.
Britten: Yuuuuuup.
The Governess: In any case, I'm sure things will turn out fine as long as I believe in myself!
Britten: Nnnnnnope.
The Governess: I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN SUNSHINE
I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN RAAAAAAAIN
Rodgers and Hammerstein: STOP STEALING OUR SHIT
Britten: Actually, this opera came out several years before The Sound of Music, so you guys can suck it.
Rodgers and Hammerstein: Well at least people actually like our music.
Britten: You know what? Fuck you guys.
Scene 2: The Welcome
[We see the inside of Bly House. The two children, Flora and Miles, are busy being dicks to the housekeeper, Mrs. Grose.]
Flora: MISSUS GROOOOOOSE WHEN IS OUR NEW GOVERNESS GOING TO GET HERE
Miles: DO YOU THINK SHE'LL BE PRETTY AND NICE OR WILL SHE JUST BE A MEAN OLD HAG LIKE YOU
Mrs. Grose: WOULD YOU CHILDREN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET READY
[She makes the children practice bowing and curtsying. Enter The Governess.]
The Governess: Hey girl haaaaaaay
[Miles and Flora suddenly stop being assholes and are the model of politeness.]
The Governess: What delightful children!
Mrs. Grose: HAHAHA YES THEY ARE LITTLE ANGELS AND I'M NEVER EVER TEMPTED TO SMOTHER THEM IN THEIR SLEEP
The Governess: I think I'm going to like it here!
Mrs. Grose: They can be a lot to handle sometimes, but I'm sure an energetic young woman like you will be up to the task.
The Governess: Of course! What could possibly go wrong?
The Audience: NO NO GODDAMMIT YOU NEVER SAY THAT
Miles and Flora: Come play with us, Governess! Forever... and ever... and ever...
The Governess: Yes indeed, everything at Bly is going to be perfectly wonderful from now on!
The Audience: [facepalm]
Scene 3: The Letter
[Some time later, in another part of the house.]
Mrs. Grose: Hey, there's a letter here for you -- but I'm sure it's nothing foreboding.
The Governess: Me too!
[She opens and reads the letter.]
The Governess: Fuck. It's something foreboding.
Mrs. Grose: What does it say?
The Governess: Apparently, Miles has been expelled from his school.
Mrs. Grose: Does it say why?
The Governess: Not really. It just says something about a... "noodle incident." And that he will never be allowed to set foot on the property again.
Mrs. Grose: Shit.
The Governess: I know, right? Could Miles actually be... bad?
Mrs. Grose: Bad bad? A bad boy?
The Governess: bad bad bad bad
Mrs. Grose: bad bad bad bad
Britten: DO YOU GET THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE A RECURRING THEME OF THE OPERA
The Audience: YES WE GET IT JUST STOP MAKING EVERYONE SAY BAD
[The Governess and Mrs. Grose look over and see Miles and Flora playing together.]
Miles and Flora: something something nursery rhyme
we're so wholesoooooome
The Governess: Ohmigaaawwwd they're so cute! Miles could never do anything bad!
Mrs. Grose: Soooo what are we gonna do?
The Governess: As the children's sole caretaker, I'm going to do the only responsible thing I can -- ignore the problem completely and pretend nothing ever happened!
Mrs. Grose: Good call!
Scene 4: The Tower
[The Governess is walking outside. A tower on the house is visible in the background.]
The Governess: Wow, it's so pretty here. I just wish the children's douche-y uncle were here, so he could see how well I do his bidding!
The Audience: Wow. When exactly did this turn into Fifty Shades of Grey: The Opera?
The Governess: I JUST NEED TO GET LAID
The Audience: Yeah, we noticed.
The Governess: Ahem. Anyway, yeah. I love it here.
[A figure appears in the window of the tower.]
The Governess: HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHO THE FUCK IS THAT
[The figure disappears.]
The Governess: OH NOOOOOOO
Scene 5: The Window
[Back inside the house. As you probably already guessed, there's a window. Miles and Flora run on, playing with a hobby horse. This is definitely not a visual euphemism.]
Miles and Flora: WE COMMUNICATE ENTIRELY THROUGH THE USE OF NURSERY RHYMES
Miles: SOMETHING SOMETHING STEALING A PIG
Flora: SOMETHING SOMETHING BEATING SMALL CHILDREN
The Audience: HOW CAN NO ONE SEE HOW CREEPY YOU LITTLE BASTARDS ARE
[The Governess enters as the children run out.]
The Governess: Christ. Always with the nursery rhymes.
[The same figure appears at the window.]
The Governess: JESUS FUCK
[Mrs. Grose enters.]
Mrs. Grose: Um... is everything okay?
The Governess: HELL NO THERE'S SOME CREEPY DUDE HANGING AROUND THE PROPERTY AND HE PROBABLY WANTS TO MOLEST THE CHILDREN
Mrs. Grose: Huh. What'd he look like?
The Governess: Red hair, pale skin, piercing eyes that seem to stare deep into your soul?
Mrs. Grose: Well, fuck.
The Governess: What's wrong?
Mrs. Grose: The good news is that it's not anyone from the village.
The Governess: What's the bad news?
Mrs. Grose: It's totally a ghost.
The Governess: You've gotta be shitting me.
Mrs. Grose: And the even worse news is that he actually does want to molest the children.
The Governess: GODDAMMIT
The Audience: And this is why you NEVER EVER ask what could go wrong.
Mrs. Grose: Soooooo yeah. We're pretty much boned.
The Governess: Who is this ghost, anyway?
Mrs. Grose: Peter Quint, the late valet of Bly House. He was super sketchy and he may or may not have touched Miles in his special place.
The Governess: Why didn't you do anything?
Mrs. Grose: Snitches get stitches. Motherfucker said he'd cut me.
The Governess: And the children's uncle?
Mrs. Grose: Please. He wouldn't have wanted to be disturbed with anything so trivial as sexual misconduct. He was already so busy with his work in the athletic department at Penn State!
The Governess: [longing sigh]
Mrs. Grose: Anyway, Quint was also banging the last governess, Miss Jessel.
The Governess: Wait, what the fuck. Why does she get a name and I don't?
Britten: Meh. [shrug]
The Governess: So what happened to Miss Jessel?
Mrs. Grose: Oh, she went off somewhere and died.
The Governess: That's... really specific. Thanks.
Mrs. Grose: It was probably syphilis or something. Like you do.
The Governess: And Quint? What happened to him?
Mrs. Grose: He slipped on some ice and died. Cracked his head right open.
The Audience: That's a disappointingly mundane death for someone who's apparently the embodiment of evil and seduction.
Quint: I know, right?
Britten: GET OUT OF HERE YOUR VOCAL ENTRANCE ISN'T FOR ANOTHER THREE SCENES
Quint: Fiiiiiiiine.
[Quint disappears.]
The Governess: So the spirit of a depraved bisexual pedophile is haunting Bly House? He must be here for Miles!
Mrs. Grose: I don't follow your logic.
The Governess: You don't... you've gotta be kidding me. You told me that it was the ghost of Peter Quint. You also told me that he had molested Miles while he was still alive. With those two starting points, how is ghostly pedophilia even remotely a stretch of the imagination?
Mrs. Grose: [shrug]
The Governess: Goddammit. Whatever, I'll just have to protect the children myself.
Scene 6: The Lesson
[In the schoolroom. The Governess is tutoring Miles in Latin because he got himself kicked out of school. Flora is busy being obnoxious.]
The Governess: What are some masculine nouns, Miles?
Miles: Amnis, clunis, fustis, penis, torris, vectis, sanguis, lapis...
The Governess: Very good, Mi -- waaaaaait a minute. Did you just say penis?
Miles: Penis penis penis penis
Britten: ARE YOU GETTING THAT THIS OPERA HAS SEXUAL UNDERTONES
The Audience: Undertones, my ass. This is pretty friggin' blatant.
Flora: GOVERNESS LOOK AT MEEEEEEE
The Governess: Not now, Flora. Young master Miles must learn his Latin, or he'll end up as just another stupid son of a bitch that doesn't know the difference between a direct and an indirect object.
Me: No, but really. It's a problem.
The Governess: And what else can you say, Miles?
Miles: Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
The Governess: Huh. Did it just get creepy in here?
The Audience: Yuuuuuuuup.
Scene 7: The Lake
[The Governess and Flora are walking by -- you guessed it -- a lake!]
Flora: Wooooooow it's so biiiiiiig
The Governess: It's really not that big.
Flora: It's like a sea!
The Governess: You're an idiot. I wish you were as smart as Miles. He's such a handsome boy, too... He looks so much like his uncle...
The Audience: Gross.
Flora: I think this is the Dead Sea. Dead dead dead.
The Governess: Look, bitch, just stop being creepy and go play with your dolly.
Flora: Can I be really creepy AND play with my dolly?
The Governess: Sure, whatever. Just leave me alone for two fucking minutes, would you? Mama needs a smoke.
Flora: GO TO SLEEP DOLLY
SLEEP THE SWEET SLEEP OF DEATH
YOUR MISTRESS COMMANDS IT
The Audience: Jesus Christ.
[A woman appears on the other side of the lake.]
The Governess: OH SHIT IT'S MISS JESSEL
The Audience: Okay, hold up. Mrs. Grose told you that the one ghost was Peter Quint, but she never gave you any description of what Miss Jessel looked like. That could literally be anyone.
The Governess: SHUT UP I KNOW IT'S HER
Britten: See, the main question of the opera is whether the ghosts are real or The Governess is going insane.
The Audience: Can it be both? Bitch be trippin' balls.
Britten: ... maaaaaybe.
The Governess: FLORA GO FIND MILES
Miles: [offstage] WHERE DID YOU BITCHES GOOOOO
[Flora hurries off to join Miles.]
The Governess: OH GOD THERE ARE TWO GHOSTS NOW THE CHILDREN ARE TOTALLY FUCKED
Scene 8: At Night
[Outside the house. Quint appears.]
Quint: Can I sing now?
Britten: Yes.
Quint: Awesome. MIIIIIIIILES
The Audience: Hey, isn't he the Prologue?
Britten: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Quint: MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILES
Miles: [entering] I'm here!
Quint: MIIIII-YI-YI-YI-YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILES
Miles: Dude, it's like...two in the morning. What the hell do you want?
Quint: You know, just to spout innuendo at a prepubescent boy. Like you do.
Miles: Oh. Okay, then.
Quint: I'M A STALLION AND I NEED SOMEONE TO RIDE ME
Miles: Seems legit.
Quint: SOMETHING SOMETHING HARD
SOMETHING SOMETHING SMOOTH
SOMETHING SOMETHING HALF-FORMED DESIRES
The Audience: Um... is anyone else hella uncomfortable right now?
[Miss Jessel enters.]
The Audience: Shit.
Miss Jessel: FLOOOORAAAAAAA
[Flora enters.]
Flora: WHAT THE SHIT DO YOU WANT
Miss Jessel: COME TO ME
Flora: ... 'kay.
Miss Jessel: Yes... come... come...
The Audience: Gross.
Miss Jessel: COME MY LADY COME COME MY LADY
BE MY BUTTERFLY... SUGAR... BABY
The Audience: No. Just........ no.
Quint and Miss Jessel: SOMETHING SOMETHING BLATANT INNUENDO
[The Governess and Mrs. Grose enter.]
The Governess: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDS DOING OUT OF BED
Mrs. Grose: THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS
[Mrs. Grose takes Flora inside. The Governess stays to chastise Miles.]
The Governess: Seriously, though. What the fuck is wrong with you.
Miles: See? I'm a bad boy. Bad bad bad bad
The Audience: WE GET IT JUST STOP SAYING BAD
[End of Act I.]
Next Installment: Act II
Prologue: Honestly, you'd think someone would have seen this coming. I mean... an old mansion in the countryside, occupied only by an old housekeeper and two creepy children? COME ON. That's right up there with "five teenagers go off to a cabin in the woods where there's no cell phone reception and where a series of grisly murders occurred twenty years ago TO THE DAY and no one thinks that maybe they're tempting fate by being there and then someone commits the unforgivable sin of having sex or being black or sometimes BOTH and from that point on its just screaming and blood and entrails and --"
The Audience: Hey, could you possibly get to the point?
Prologue: -- right. Sorry. Soooo this lady, whom we'll just call The Governess and who'll never get a real name because I'm too lazy to think of one, has just accepted a job taking care of two children at an old English estate called Bly House. The problem is that she only accepted the job because she wants to bone the guy who interviewed her, who happens to be the children's uncle and only living relative. To make matters worse, said uncle is kind of a douchebag and wants nothing to do with the children, so The Governess isn't allowed to contact him for any reason at all. Ever.
The Audience: Yeah, that's not foreboding at all.
Prologue: I know, right? But for some reason, she doesn't see this as a warning sign. Honestly, I'm half-convinced that the uncle is some sort of diabolical mastermind and he set this whole situation up as some sort of twisted psychological experiment -- 'cause some seriously fucked-up shit is about to go down, and then you find out that things like this have actually happened before --
The Audience: DUDE. SPOILERS.
Prologue: Shit. Yeah, I'll just let you see for yourself.
[Prologue exits. He's never heard from again.]
Scene 1: The Journey
[The curtain comes up on The Governess, who's in a carriage en route to Bly.]
The Governess: Oh man, I'm pretty nervous about this whole situation -- not because it's super creepy or anything, but mostly because I'm wondering how I'm going to get that hot guy to nail me even though he basically said he never wanted to see or hear from me again.
The Audience: Wooooow. She's really well-adjusted.
The Governess: I wonder what the children will be like...
The Audience: If we know our haunted house stories at all, they'll probably be creepy as all hell.
Britten: Yuuuuuup.
The Governess: In any case, I'm sure things will turn out fine as long as I believe in myself!
Britten: Nnnnnnope.
The Governess: I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN SUNSHINE
I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN RAAAAAAAIN
Rodgers and Hammerstein: STOP STEALING OUR SHIT
Britten: Actually, this opera came out several years before The Sound of Music, so you guys can suck it.
Rodgers and Hammerstein: Well at least people actually like our music.
Britten: You know what? Fuck you guys.
Scene 2: The Welcome
[We see the inside of Bly House. The two children, Flora and Miles, are busy being dicks to the housekeeper, Mrs. Grose.]
Flora: MISSUS GROOOOOOSE WHEN IS OUR NEW GOVERNESS GOING TO GET HERE
Miles: DO YOU THINK SHE'LL BE PRETTY AND NICE OR WILL SHE JUST BE A MEAN OLD HAG LIKE YOU
Mrs. Grose: WOULD YOU CHILDREN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET READY
[She makes the children practice bowing and curtsying. Enter The Governess.]
The Governess: Hey girl haaaaaaay
[Miles and Flora suddenly stop being assholes and are the model of politeness.]
The Governess: What delightful children!
Mrs. Grose: HAHAHA YES THEY ARE LITTLE ANGELS AND I'M NEVER EVER TEMPTED TO SMOTHER THEM IN THEIR SLEEP
The Governess: I think I'm going to like it here!
Mrs. Grose: They can be a lot to handle sometimes, but I'm sure an energetic young woman like you will be up to the task.
The Governess: Of course! What could possibly go wrong?
The Audience: NO NO GODDAMMIT YOU NEVER SAY THAT
Miles and Flora: Come play with us, Governess! Forever... and ever... and ever...
The Governess: Yes indeed, everything at Bly is going to be perfectly wonderful from now on!
The Audience: [facepalm]
Scene 3: The Letter
[Some time later, in another part of the house.]
Mrs. Grose: Hey, there's a letter here for you -- but I'm sure it's nothing foreboding.
The Governess: Me too!
[She opens and reads the letter.]
The Governess: Fuck. It's something foreboding.
Mrs. Grose: What does it say?
The Governess: Apparently, Miles has been expelled from his school.
Mrs. Grose: Does it say why?
The Governess: Not really. It just says something about a... "noodle incident." And that he will never be allowed to set foot on the property again.
Mrs. Grose: Shit.
The Governess: I know, right? Could Miles actually be... bad?
Mrs. Grose: Bad bad? A bad boy?
The Governess: bad bad bad bad
Mrs. Grose: bad bad bad bad
Britten: DO YOU GET THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE A RECURRING THEME OF THE OPERA
The Audience: YES WE GET IT JUST STOP MAKING EVERYONE SAY BAD
[The Governess and Mrs. Grose look over and see Miles and Flora playing together.]
Miles and Flora: something something nursery rhyme
we're so wholesoooooome
The Governess: Ohmigaaawwwd they're so cute! Miles could never do anything bad!
Mrs. Grose: Soooo what are we gonna do?
The Governess: As the children's sole caretaker, I'm going to do the only responsible thing I can -- ignore the problem completely and pretend nothing ever happened!
Mrs. Grose: Good call!
Scene 4: The Tower
[The Governess is walking outside. A tower on the house is visible in the background.]
The Governess: Wow, it's so pretty here. I just wish the children's douche-y uncle were here, so he could see how well I do his bidding!
The Audience: Wow. When exactly did this turn into Fifty Shades of Grey: The Opera?
The Governess: I JUST NEED TO GET LAID
The Audience: Yeah, we noticed.
The Governess: Ahem. Anyway, yeah. I love it here.
[A figure appears in the window of the tower.]
The Governess: HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHO THE FUCK IS THAT
[The figure disappears.]
The Governess: OH NOOOOOOO
Scene 5: The Window
[Back inside the house. As you probably already guessed, there's a window. Miles and Flora run on, playing with a hobby horse. This is definitely not a visual euphemism.]
Miles and Flora: WE COMMUNICATE ENTIRELY THROUGH THE USE OF NURSERY RHYMES
Miles: SOMETHING SOMETHING STEALING A PIG
Flora: SOMETHING SOMETHING BEATING SMALL CHILDREN
The Audience: HOW CAN NO ONE SEE HOW CREEPY YOU LITTLE BASTARDS ARE
[The Governess enters as the children run out.]
The Governess: Christ. Always with the nursery rhymes.
[The same figure appears at the window.]
The Governess: JESUS FUCK
[Mrs. Grose enters.]
Mrs. Grose: Um... is everything okay?
The Governess: HELL NO THERE'S SOME CREEPY DUDE HANGING AROUND THE PROPERTY AND HE PROBABLY WANTS TO MOLEST THE CHILDREN
Mrs. Grose: Huh. What'd he look like?
The Governess: Red hair, pale skin, piercing eyes that seem to stare deep into your soul?
Mrs. Grose: Well, fuck.
The Governess: What's wrong?
Mrs. Grose: The good news is that it's not anyone from the village.
The Governess: What's the bad news?
Mrs. Grose: It's totally a ghost.
The Governess: You've gotta be shitting me.
Mrs. Grose: And the even worse news is that he actually does want to molest the children.
The Governess: GODDAMMIT
The Audience: And this is why you NEVER EVER ask what could go wrong.
Mrs. Grose: Soooooo yeah. We're pretty much boned.
The Governess: Who is this ghost, anyway?
Mrs. Grose: Peter Quint, the late valet of Bly House. He was super sketchy and he may or may not have touched Miles in his special place.
The Governess: Why didn't you do anything?
Mrs. Grose: Snitches get stitches. Motherfucker said he'd cut me.
The Governess: And the children's uncle?
Mrs. Grose: Please. He wouldn't have wanted to be disturbed with anything so trivial as sexual misconduct. He was already so busy with his work in the athletic department at Penn State!
The Governess: [longing sigh]
Mrs. Grose: Anyway, Quint was also banging the last governess, Miss Jessel.
The Governess: Wait, what the fuck. Why does she get a name and I don't?
Britten: Meh. [shrug]
The Governess: So what happened to Miss Jessel?
Mrs. Grose: Oh, she went off somewhere and died.
The Governess: That's... really specific. Thanks.
Mrs. Grose: It was probably syphilis or something. Like you do.
The Governess: And Quint? What happened to him?
Mrs. Grose: He slipped on some ice and died. Cracked his head right open.
The Audience: That's a disappointingly mundane death for someone who's apparently the embodiment of evil and seduction.
Quint: I know, right?
Britten: GET OUT OF HERE YOUR VOCAL ENTRANCE ISN'T FOR ANOTHER THREE SCENES
Quint: Fiiiiiiiine.
[Quint disappears.]
The Governess: So the spirit of a depraved bisexual pedophile is haunting Bly House? He must be here for Miles!
Mrs. Grose: I don't follow your logic.
The Governess: You don't... you've gotta be kidding me. You told me that it was the ghost of Peter Quint. You also told me that he had molested Miles while he was still alive. With those two starting points, how is ghostly pedophilia even remotely a stretch of the imagination?
Mrs. Grose: [shrug]
The Governess: Goddammit. Whatever, I'll just have to protect the children myself.
Scene 6: The Lesson
[In the schoolroom. The Governess is tutoring Miles in Latin because he got himself kicked out of school. Flora is busy being obnoxious.]
The Governess: What are some masculine nouns, Miles?
Miles: Amnis, clunis, fustis, penis, torris, vectis, sanguis, lapis...
The Governess: Very good, Mi -- waaaaaait a minute. Did you just say penis?
Miles: Penis penis penis penis
Britten: ARE YOU GETTING THAT THIS OPERA HAS SEXUAL UNDERTONES
The Audience: Undertones, my ass. This is pretty friggin' blatant.
Flora: GOVERNESS LOOK AT MEEEEEEE
The Governess: Not now, Flora. Young master Miles must learn his Latin, or he'll end up as just another stupid son of a bitch that doesn't know the difference between a direct and an indirect object.
Me: No, but really. It's a problem.
The Governess: And what else can you say, Miles?
Miles: Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
Nimium laboris sine ludis Miles taediousum puerum facit.
The Governess: Huh. Did it just get creepy in here?
The Audience: Yuuuuuuuup.
Scene 7: The Lake
[The Governess and Flora are walking by -- you guessed it -- a lake!]
Flora: Wooooooow it's so biiiiiiig
The Governess: It's really not that big.
Flora: It's like a sea!
The Governess: You're an idiot. I wish you were as smart as Miles. He's such a handsome boy, too... He looks so much like his uncle...
The Audience: Gross.
Flora: I think this is the Dead Sea. Dead dead dead.
The Governess: Look, bitch, just stop being creepy and go play with your dolly.
Flora: Can I be really creepy AND play with my dolly?
The Governess: Sure, whatever. Just leave me alone for two fucking minutes, would you? Mama needs a smoke.
Flora: GO TO SLEEP DOLLY
SLEEP THE SWEET SLEEP OF DEATH
YOUR MISTRESS COMMANDS IT
The Audience: Jesus Christ.
[A woman appears on the other side of the lake.]
The Governess: OH SHIT IT'S MISS JESSEL
The Audience: Okay, hold up. Mrs. Grose told you that the one ghost was Peter Quint, but she never gave you any description of what Miss Jessel looked like. That could literally be anyone.
The Governess: SHUT UP I KNOW IT'S HER
Britten: See, the main question of the opera is whether the ghosts are real or The Governess is going insane.
The Audience: Can it be both? Bitch be trippin' balls.
Britten: ... maaaaaybe.
The Governess: FLORA GO FIND MILES
Miles: [offstage] WHERE DID YOU BITCHES GOOOOO
[Flora hurries off to join Miles.]
The Governess: OH GOD THERE ARE TWO GHOSTS NOW THE CHILDREN ARE TOTALLY FUCKED
Scene 8: At Night
[Outside the house. Quint appears.]
Quint: Can I sing now?
Britten: Yes.
Quint: Awesome. MIIIIIIIILES
The Audience: Hey, isn't he the Prologue?
Britten: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Quint: MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILES
Miles: [entering] I'm here!
Quint: MIIIII-YI-YI-YI-YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILES
Miles: Dude, it's like...two in the morning. What the hell do you want?
Quint: You know, just to spout innuendo at a prepubescent boy. Like you do.
Miles: Oh. Okay, then.
Quint: I'M A STALLION AND I NEED SOMEONE TO RIDE ME
Miles: Seems legit.
Quint: SOMETHING SOMETHING HARD
SOMETHING SOMETHING SMOOTH
SOMETHING SOMETHING HALF-FORMED DESIRES
The Audience: Um... is anyone else hella uncomfortable right now?
[Miss Jessel enters.]
The Audience: Shit.
Miss Jessel: FLOOOORAAAAAAA
[Flora enters.]
Flora: WHAT THE SHIT DO YOU WANT
Miss Jessel: COME TO ME
Flora: ... 'kay.
Miss Jessel: Yes... come... come...
The Audience: Gross.
Miss Jessel: COME MY LADY COME COME MY LADY
BE MY BUTTERFLY... SUGAR... BABY
The Audience: No. Just........ no.
Quint and Miss Jessel: SOMETHING SOMETHING BLATANT INNUENDO
[The Governess and Mrs. Grose enter.]
The Governess: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDS DOING OUT OF BED
Mrs. Grose: THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS
[Mrs. Grose takes Flora inside. The Governess stays to chastise Miles.]
The Governess: Seriously, though. What the fuck is wrong with you.
Miles: See? I'm a bad boy. Bad bad bad bad
The Audience: WE GET IT JUST STOP SAYING BAD
[End of Act I.]
Next Installment: Act II
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