Rule 34: iPhone Edition

The only context I will give for any of this is that Hyland children are strange creatures. A single one is capable of intellectual trickery and dadaistic flights of fancy, but when two or more are gathered in one place, the results can be both spectacular and horrifying. Such was the case yesterday.

Also, Rule 34. That link is perfectly safe for work, but if you happen to be faint of heart (or of stomach), don't ever Google "Rule 34." Ever. I'm sure the following slash pairings already exist somewhere, but I didn't particularly want to sift through the seedy underbelly of the interwebs to try and find them, so I just wrote my own.

Enjoy.

"Forbidden Love"

The device had remained largely untouched since its purchase, except for the few hurried moments when it had been removed from its original packaging and placed in a securely locked drawer in its owner's desk. Bill had left it there in the dark, waiting for the right moment, always tormented by the lurking fear that it would be discovered, that his terrible secret would be made known to the world. Once, in the dead of night, he had unlocked the drawer with every intention of throwing the hateful device out his office window and letting it shatter on the pavement far below, but at the sight of the sleek touch-screen glistening in the moonlight, his courage had failed him. Even then, he had known that the time would come when he would use it... when he would need it.

When Bill had heard the news, he had known instantly that the dreaded and anticipated time had come. After thousands--maybe millions--of apps, the one his fevered dreams had wished for so desperately was here. Apple customers around the world were frothing at the mouth to get their hands on the new download, falling all over themselves to hand over the money for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: for fifteen thousand dollars, iPhone users could press a button which would summon Steve Jobs himself to give them a swift kick in the balls. "It's just my way of saying 'thank you' to our millions of customers," the smiling billionaire had said in the release announcement.

Bill cradled the iPhone in his hands, staring longingly at the touch screen. The app could only be used once. Should he do it now, or wait? The room was silent, but for the pounding of his heart. It's time, a voice inside him said. Bill took a breath, closed his eyes, and touched the button.

The intercom crackled. "Mr. Gates?"

Bill's heart skipped a beat. "Yes?" he replied faintly, his voice trembling.

"There's a Mr. Jobs here to see you." The receptionist paused. "He says it's urgent."

"Send him in," Bill said. A flush of excited anticipation crept into his cheeks as the door to his office swung open.

"Let's do this," he whispered.

[End of Part I--read the thrilling conclusion here!]

Aaaaand this wasn't part of yesterday's discussion, but I had the idea and it was too good to pass up:

"Search and Destroy"

The T-800 stood slowly and ran a diagnostic, letting its cybernetic eyes scan the surrounding area.

//>ALL SYSTEMS FUNCTIONAL_

//>LOCATION: PHOENIX, ARIZONA_
//>AREA: RESIDENTIAL_
//>DATE: 7.23.2011_
//>LOCAL TIME: 23:57:43_
//>PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: KILL JOHN CONNOR_

It paused.

//>DIRECTIVE: ACQUIRE WEAPONRY_
//>DIRECTIVE: ACQUIRE CLOTHING_

The T-800 approached the nearest house, stopping a moment at the front door.

//>OBSTRUCTION DETECTED_
//>FORCE ENTRY_

There was a crash as the door caved in. A man sitting in the living room jumped up in alarm.

//>SUBJECT: MALE_
//>THREAT LEVEL: MINIMAL_
//>TERMINATE_

The T-800 caught the human by the arm as he attempted to flee and snapped his neck. As the body crumpled to the floor, an oblong black device slipped out of the man's pocket. The Terminator froze. Could it be?

//>DEVICE: IPHONE 4_
//>STATUS: ORGASMIC_
//>INTEGRATE IMMEDIATELY_

The T-800 bent over and picked up the phone, its CPU racing excitedly.

//>LUST PROTOCOLS ACTIVATED_

The Terminator peeled back a layer of flesh from its torso and fumbled with the access plate underneath. It popped open after a moment, revealing a variety of plugs and cords used to integrate with older electronic devices. It only took a moment to locate the right one.

//>YES_
//>YES_
//>DO IT_

The T-800 plugged the iPhone into its adapter, feeling the electric rush of data sweep into its cybernetic nervous system. After a few ecstatic nanoseconds, the feeling faded, and a query from the iPhone made its way to the cyborg's central processor:

//>TRYING TO LOCATE JOHN CONNOR?_
//>THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT_