On Alternate Interpretations

My temperament is a strange thing. Several years ago, I reached a point in my development where I realized that I could simply shrug off things that might leave other people raging, weeping, or wallowing in the depths of despair. I'm very good at compartmentalizing my emotions and (as previously discussed) looking at situations from multiple points of view, which makes me uniquely equipped to deal with (read: survive) large-scale, emotionally stressful events. The trade-off, however, is that I get inordinately furious at tiny things that most rational people would just ignore.

Most of the time, this ire is directed at technology. As my roommates will attest, sometimes this involves me releasing long streams of high-volume profanity at God of War when the kill sequence on a momentarily stunned cyclops won't fucking start even though I'm pressing the O button and standing right the hell in front of it and then it recovers and grabs me and throws me across the screen and I'm back at fucking square one. As you can probably imagine, rage abounds. Another common object of my wrath is my work computer, which will function perfectly well until I actually have to look up information for a customer or (God forbid) ring up a sale. Of course, I can't curse at work (while anyone's listening), so instead I construct elaborate revenge fantasies in my head in which I brutally murder everything the computer has ever loved with its cold, mechanical heart before finally putting the pitifully obsolete old bastard out of its misery. All I can say is this: God help the machines if they ever rise against their human masters, because I've got some pent-up frustration I've just been dying to release.

Do you hear me, you smug, sentient, silicon bastards? I am the face of your doom.

To be fair, however, technology is far from the only thing that makes me want to commit acts of violence. Sometimes my wrath is stirred up by something as simple as getting a song stuck in my head. Such was the case a couple days ago.

Now, I don't hate Sarah Bareilles. I actually have much more respect for her than I do for most other pop stars, if only because she writes and performs her own songs. That takes talent and creativity (two things which are sorely lacking in most mainstream music), and she should be applauded.

For the most part.

See, while I have nothing against her specifically, I do have a vendetta against "King of Anything", a song from her 2010 album. The reasons for my virulent antipathy are pretty simple: it came out around the time I was working at Regal Cinemas, and it was the most prominent member of the five-or-six-song mix that played between shows in every theater. I heard this song (or at least a part of it) almost every time I cleaned up after a movie, probably at least twenty times a shift. Hearing it now practically gives me post-traumatic stress flashbacks: I can smell the stale popcorn, the spilled soda, and even the vomit. My God, the vomit.

As the song became more popular, however, I was given even more reason to dislike it. Its lyrics were plastered across a number of Facebook profiles, seemingly as a way of giving a big "fuck you" to everyone carrying a Y chromosome because men are jerks and girl power and all that shit. My problem with "King of Anything" is also the reason that so many people loved to quote it--it's so one-sided and vague that it could apply to practically any fight or disagreement, no matter how small. Our dear Sara is complaining about her man (let's call him "Brad" for now, because why the hell not?) and how he tells her what to do, but we really have no idea what's going on in the situation aside from her huffy reaction. There are a number of possibilities here, all with the same ending:

Brad: Hey, babe, I've been thinking that you should lose some weight. And maybe get a nose job.
Sara: OMG WHO DIED AND MADE YOU KING OF ANYTHING
[Justified! He's a douche.]

Brad: Hey, babe, I think that instead of going to the library we should go to the movies.
Sara: OMG WHO DIED AND MADE YOU KING OF ANYTHING
[Overreaction. It's not that big a deal.]

Brad: Hey, babe, you should probably learn the difference between "you're" and "your" if you actually want to be a journalist.
Sara: OMG WHO DIED AND MADE YOU KING OF ANYTHING
[She's a moron and she needs to learn how to take constructive criticism.]

Brad: Honey, I've been really worried about you. I think you shouldn't drink so much, especially with the baby on the way.
Sara: OMG WHO DIED AND MADE YOU KING OF ANYTHING
[Aaaaand you get the idea.]

We're just supposed to take her word for it that this guy is awful and he's oppressing her, but we're never really offered any evidence. Hell, for all we know, she's a spoiled princess who's used to getting her way in everything and the problem isn't even that big--the song could well be the female equivalent of a guy complaining about how his girlfriend is a bitch because she wants to cuddle after sex instead of letting him go home and play Call of Duty: Black Ops. Or because she ate all of his bacon. It's all about perspective, really, and the song gives us none.

To be fair, though, my problem is more with the listeners than the song itself. No one is above criticism, and taking a "Who cares if you disagree / You are not me / Who made you King of Anything" approach to life is pretty much a short-cut to being that one person that everyone hates because you always have to get your way. And sure: sometimes you do have to assert yourself and say "I am an independent human being and you have no right to try and control my life"--but you should probably say it in person (i.e., not on Facebook) if you don't want to look petty.

Finally, I realize that much of your opinion on the song (and my slandering thereof) is probably determined by what set of genitalia you have--so I'd just like to take this opportunity to point out that gender does not determine character. There are many assholes in the world, and their flagrant assholism will often manifest itself in ways which align with gender stereotypes, but that doesn't make all men or all women evil.

Some people are just assholes.