The Dreaded Friend Zone

Unless you've been spending most of your time in seclusion at a Tibetan monastery, chances are you've heard about the movie adaptation of The Hunger Games and how it made obscenely large piles of money at the box office. The lady-friend and I contributed to its massive success on opening day, and we agreed that it was a surprisingly good adaptation – it remained very true to the spirit of the book, but it didn't cripple itself by trying to be a carbon copy. It changed a few things and dropped a few others, but most of the changes actually made the story work better by putting it into a wider perspective. In fact, the only negative reviews I've heard so far were from people who hadn't read the book at all, which is understandable: the movie basically takes it for granted that you've read the book and understand what's going on, so it doesn't necessarily work well as a stand-alone film. That being said, it's probably going to make a lot of people go out and buy the novel, so Suzanne Collins is pretty much making out like a bandit on this one.

In any case, The Hunger Games is aimed primarily at an audience of adolescent females, so it's required by law to have a romantic subplot in which two eligible young men throw themselves at the leading lady. Furthermore, the fact that it's a trilogy instead of a single novel means that the protagonist won't decide with whom to swap bodily fluids until the last possible moment – meaning that fans on “Team Peeta” and “Team Gale” (sorry, Team Haymitch; yours is a love that can never exist outside of badly-written fanfiction) will be cockteased with kisses, lingering looks, and conflicted feelings for three whole books before Katniss finally makes up her goddamn mind.

The Fans: KAAAATNISSSSSS WE WANT YOU TO BE WITH [STUDLY BACHELOR X]!

Katniss: Do you mind? I kinda have more important things to worry about right now.

The Fans: BUT KAAAATNIIIISSSSSSSSSSS

Katniss: WILL YOU BITCHES SHUT UP I AM BUSY HUNTING THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME OF ALL

The Fans: woooooow she a bitch. [Long pause.] GALE x PEETA OTP 4EVA

Suzanne Collins: … goddammit.

And this is why we can't have nice things.

In any case, Katniss does eventually choose one of the boys (SPOILER ALERT I'm not actually going to say who it is but it's pretty obvious), which means that everyone on Team Reject is all like “GOD Katniss is such a heartless bitch for not choosing [Reject] when they have such a meaningful friendship” and everyone who hears their whining feels the sudden urge to commit wanton acts of violence.

Aaaaaaand this brings me to my rant of the day: people need to shut the hell up about the Friend Zone.

What is the Friend Zone, you might ask? For the answer, let us turn to Rod Serling, one of Binghamton's only claims to fame except carousels:

Imagine, if you will, a young man. He is neither handsome nor athletic, but – like all men – he craves the attention of the fairer sex. For years, this young man has been drawn to a certain young woman: beautiful, popular, and practically perfect in every way. He would do anything to prove his love for her, but she doesn't think of him that way. He can only be a pal, a study buddy, and occasionally a shoulder to cry on – but never a lover. This young man is forever doomed to love a girl who will never love him back, eternally trapped in a twilight world of chaste hugs and blue balls: a world known only as... The Friend Zone.

Get the picture?

And just to be specific, this can happen to anyone – male or female, gay or straight. All that's required is a case of unrequited love and a counter-offer of a continuing platonic relationship.

Now, the Friend Zone is all well and good when it's brought up for humorous purposes, but I've heard enough people refer to it in serious discourse that it's starting to get a little disturbing. A lot of people are using the term in a reproachful way, insinuating that they're owed something by the object of their affection, and that's just plain bullshit. If you resent a girl for not feeling the same way about you that you feel about her, you're actually resenting her for A) not being a slave to your emotional whims, and B) not having control over something that people can't really control in the first place. Emotions are tricky sons of bitches – I've been known to fall for people when I'm dead-set on staying single, and I'm willing to bet good money that any number of my ex-girlfriends wish they could have been attracted to someone else instead. You can't control whom you have chemistry with, and you can't just snap your fingers and decide that you have chemistry with someone you've never been attracted to before – that's what alcohol is for, and it would be pretty damn expensive to go through a relationship in a state of constant inebriation.

And also it would probably be damaging to your health or something.

Another common claim about the Friend Zone is that it's the (nearly) exclusive realm of “nice guys.” You know the stereotype: girls always go out with jerks who objectify them and don't really care about them, but never with the sensitive, considerate guy who's always been there for her and would treat her like a princess. But here's the problem: if you're a “nice guy” who thinks that some girl is a bitch because you've been her friend for years and she still hasn't put out, YOU ARE ALSO OBJECTIFYING HER. The only difference between you and the asshole she's dating is that only one of y'all is getting laid.

Protip: If you treat someone like royalty, that someone will probably treat you like a peasant. Fuck that feudal bullshit; grow a spine and treat the object of your affection like a normal human being.

Does it suck to get rejected? Absolutely.

Is “I don't want to jeopardize our friendship” one of the most overused, cop-out-tastic ways to shoot someone down? God yes.

That being said... is there a healthier way to deal with rejection than vilifying the person who rejected you? Yuuuuuup.

Someone can be a bitch or an asshole for many reasons (e.g. “He drowns puppies in his spare time,” or “She pays hobos twenty bucks to fight to the death”), but “She doesn't want to make out with me” isn't one. But hey, if your “ideal partner” is stringing you along, using you as an errand boy, or just plain too busy fucking everything that moves to notice or care about your feelings, then maybe you need to examine your definition of an ideal partner.

Like I said, you can't just flip a switch and change how you feel about someone, so I'm not suggesting that you simply stop being in lust love. But if you know you have no chance with someone – and especially if that someone kinda treats you like crap anyway – then you should take a step back and decide whether or not it's worth it to keep being a lovesick puppy who never gets laid.

Either that, or you could just whine about the Friend Zone like a passive-aggressive douchebag.

Your call.