Operagasm: Dealing With the Uninitiated

Stop me if you've heard this one before (yes I know that you can't stop me and you're not actually hearing anything here but shut up and let me finish): a dashingly handsome young baritone who looks nothing like Harry Potter so shut up already sings an aria of some sort at a concert and is approached afterward by someone who enjoyed his singing but who knows absolutely nothing about classical music. Several moments of polite (if slightly awkward) conversation follow, until the enthusiastic listener goes and says something which makes the singer do a facepalm. As it happens, this joke has a multiple-choice punch-line:

A) “So do you want to sing on Broadway some day?”

B) “How does such a big voice come out of such a little body?”

C) “Has anyone ever told you that you sing like Josh Groban?”*

*Other possible singers include Andrea Bocelli, Michael Bolton, Charlotte Church, Sarah Brightman, etc. You get the idea.

We've all been there – and by “we” and “all,” I am of course only referring to other people who do exactly what I do. But it's unavoidable: sooner or later, every performer will have to interact with fans who mean well but have no idea what they're talking about. In such situations, you basically have two options:

1. Be an asshole.

2. Be a decent human being.

Now, the first option might be tempting at times, but it's important to remember that people who say these things to you are trying to pay you a compliment. There are a lot of people who know nothing about opera, because they're poor and opera is pretty much only for rich people, mob bosses, and evil geniuses. So be polite, be gracious, and under no circumstances should you respond to their questions like this:

“So do you want to sing on Broadway some day?”

1. “You know, I'd love to be in Rent. I don't think anyone's ever written a show about starving artists falling in love in a big city and then getting horrible illnesses before!”

2. “Absolutely. And while we're talking about wasting talent, I think Stephen Hawking would have been an awesome high school science teacher.”

3. “Fuck yourself.”

“How does such a big voice come out of such a little body?”

1. “Whenever I defeat another baritone in single combat, I behead him and absorb his voice powers.”

2. “Well, you're built like a brick shithouse. Why isn't your voice bigger, fatass?”

3. “Fuck yourself.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you sing like Josh Groban?”

1. “Fuck yourself.”

2. [See first response.]

3. [See first response again.]

Today's really a multiple-choice day, isn't it.

In any case, I'd be lying if I said that some of those responses didn't flit through my head whenever someone asked me one of those questions, but my standard response is just to smile and nod and say thank you. It's not that I don't want to sing on Broadway (I would in a heartbeat because I'm a musical prostitute and will whore my talents to the highest bidder) or that I think I'm a better singer than some random popera star; it's just that the comparison between styles is a little on the “apples to oranges” side. It can be a little obnoxious, but when you get right down to it, it's still meant as a compliment and it should be taken as such.

No one's going to come see you perform if you get a reputation for being an asshole to your audience, and maybe, just maybe, your performance will be the gateway drug that creates a new opera addict. Anything's possible, after all.

But seriously, don't tell me I sing like Josh Groban or I'll cut you.